


Twilight

by Shadow15



Series: Embers [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:40:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29256102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow15/pseuds/Shadow15
Summary: After an unfortunate chain of events leads to Sougo burning down their home, Toshiro struggles to keep his head up above the water. Without Gintoki here, Toshiro doesn't think he could have survived.Sister story to "Break of Dawn".
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki, Hijikata Toshirou/Yamazaki Sagaru (One-Sided), Okita Sougo/Sakata Gintoki, Okita Sougo/Yamazaki Sagaru
Series: Embers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2148327
Comments: 34
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the side-story to Break of Dawn, from Toshi's Point of View. There's a lot of content in this that wasn't in the other story, and I'm honestly really glad I went ahead with this because there's so much more background and information I could lay out here. 
> 
> Also, I believe everyone who read the original story for the GinHiji is going to be very pleased with the amount of GinHiji in this one; it just needs a few chapters to build up to a relationship because they wouldn't cooperate with me as I was writing this, lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Break of Dawn Chapter 1

Toshiro’s mornings always started off fine. A hot cup of coffee, a cigarette or ten, and the nice breeze billowing his clothing as he sat out on the verandah, watching the sun rise before he left for work. It was the only time in his day where he had no troubles in his mind, and he could let himself completely relax. 

But every time he heard that damn alarm from inside the house sound, Toshiro’s heart would race, his teeth would chatter, and he would bite at his hands until they bled as anxiety drowned him out of nowhere. 

Toshiro waited for it. Every time, every morning the alarm went off, it was like a morning ritual cemented in blood. It was like Sougo  _ couldn’t  _ function unless he started his day off antagonising Toshiro and making sure whatever hope Toshiro had had for a good day was as dead as the happiness in Sougo’s own heart. 

It took only minutes for Sougo to step out onto the verandah, straightening his uniform coat and patting at his sleeping mask, as if he were debating about going back to bed rather than going to work. 

“Oh, good.” Sougo’s eyes were hyper-focused on Toshiro. He sneered nastily, and even when Toshiro broke eye contact and looked away in an attempt to defuse the situation before it even started, Sougo’s aggression grew. “It’s been raining overnight; I spy a good looking puddle you can drown yourself in, Hijikata.” 

Toshiro took a deep puff of his cigarette. He refused to look at Sougo. Sometimes, if he ignored Sougo enough, Sougo would leave and come back later. But not today; this time, it only made Sougo angrier. 

“Fuck you, Hijikata! Just go and die already!” Sougo lunged and shoved Toshiro from his chair, uncaring as he landed in a heap on the floorboards beneath. “Go kill yourself! Nobody wants you here! We all hate you! Even  _ Kondo-san  _ hopes you’ll kill yourself!” 

Toshiro squeezed his eyes shut tight. He didn’t retaliate; he just took another deep puff of his cigarette and hoped Sougo would see he wasn’t going to get a bite out of him. “...” 

“I’ll give you the fucking knife to cut your wrists with!” Sougo screamed. “ _ Just die already! _ ” 

The only thing Toshiro replied with was a quiet murmur. “Sougo… It’s six am. Please. The neighbours are still sleepin’...” 

But Sougo only screamed louder, getting more and more violent until he had struck Toshiro in the face, and Kondo had finally been awoken by the noise and taken Sougo back inside to calm him down. 

Toshiro slowly sat himself up. He leant his back against the balustrade, making no effort to reclaim his seat. He kept his head ducked as he pulled another smoke from its carton, not wanting anyone to see the pain in his expression. 

He stayed where he was, taking his time with his cigarette. He closed his eyes, doing his best to keep his emotions contained. Kondo came out to check on him, kneeling by Toshiro’s side and putting his hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay, Toshi?” Kondo could see the neighbours outside, watching. It was no surprise they avoided the three of them like the plague. Kondo supposed he couldn’t blame them; he’d probably run for the hills also if his neighbours screamed and fought as much as Sougo and Toshiro did.

Toshiro hesitated to reply. “...I… don’t know what I did wrong, Kondo-san…” 

“He said he couldn’t sleep well. Nightmares…” Kondo sighed. “He lashed out again, I guess.” 

Toshiro sighed. “Yeah… He always lashes out. Every  _ fuckin’ day _ …” 

Toshiro curled himself up, fumbling with his smokes for another one already. No matter how hard he tried to work it out, he could never understand what he had done for Sougo to hate him so much. He could never work out why he couldn’t even mind his own business without Sougo attacking him. 

But what Toshiro  _ did  _ know was that no amount of pondering could make him understand why he put up with Sougo. 

***

“Stop pointin’ that fuckin’ thing at me or I’ll shove it up your ass.” Toshiro smacked the gun away from his head like it was nothing before he went back to the paperwork he was  _ trying  _ to catch up on. 

Sougo pouted. “Hijikata-san, aren’t you scared my finger might just  _ slip _ ?” 

Toshiro rolled his eyes. He smacked the gun away again when it pressed against his temple next. “If I was scared you’d actually do somethin’ to me, you’d be banned permanently from having a fuckin’ weapon.”

Sougo put the safety back on and raised the pistol so he could lick at the nozzle. His eyes stayed fixed on Toshiro. “I knew you were stupid, but not  _ that  _ stupid, Hijikata-san.” 

Toshiro sighed. “I’m goin’ for a smoke. Have your work finished before I get back.” 

Toshiro left his office, but he didn’t get far down the corridor before he was stopped by his subordinates. 

“Vice-Commander, can you do something about Okita?! It’s getting beyond a joke now!”

“Every day we complain about him, and nothing ever gets done about him!” 

“And now we have civilians calling in with complaints about him!” 

Toshiro squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in through his nose as he tried so hard to keep himself calm. The mob blocking his path to the outside smoking area kept shouting at him, grumbling, and it took everything Toshiro had to not scream back at them. 

Toshiro waved his hand at them, trying to calm them before their agitation heightened. “Your complaints are heard!  _ I’m  _ the one who has to live with the little shit! I know what Sougo’s like! I’m  _ tryin’! _ ” 

“You’re not trying, Vice-Commander! You  _ and  _ the Commander let him get away with  _ everything _ !” Someone snapped before they threw an envelope at Toshiro’s feet. “Here’s my resignation letter. I’m not working with someone who thought it was funny to put laxatives in our food! He could have gotten someone killed!” 

Toshiro’s heart clenched with pain. He did his best to keep the turmoil off his face as he picked the envelope up and slipped it into his pocket, but to know that he was losing a good officer to Sougo’s poor behaviour… 

“I’ll talk to Kondo about him!” Toshiro’s frustration wasn’t missed by his subordinates. “We’re  _ tryin’ _ ! We don’t know what to do with him!” 

“Maybe take his badge off him for a start; he doesn’t deserve it,” another voice from the crowd spat. “He’s the type of person to snap and go on a murder spree. He should be in a mental health unit.” 

“Oi! Watch your fuckin’ mouth! He would  _ not  _ hurt someone!” Toshiro defended. “He’s a spoiled, childish brat, but he  _ wouldn’t  _ fuckin’  _ hurt  _ anyone! I said I’ll talk with Kondo! You guys aren’t the only ones tired with his shit!” 

Toshiro pushed his way through the crowd; if he waited a second longer for his smoke, he was going to be  _ pissed _ . 

Toshiro couldn’t shake the agitation as he walked. He was frustrated, with Sougo, with his subordinates, and with himself. His temper had been shorter than usual, but he put it down to Sougo being a bit more out of control than he usually was. Toshiro couldn’t help but kick the door to the parking lot open a lot more forcibly than he should have. 

But if Toshiro had walked outside expecting somewhere he could cool down, he had been sorely mistaken. 

“Are you swingin’ that fuckin’ thing around again?!” Toshiro couldn’t help but raise his voice as his anger surged. But as quickly as the anger had consumed him, it dwindled into guilt at the look of fear and hurt on his friend’s face. He threw his back against the brick wall and slid down it, reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter before he’d even hit the ground. He took a deep puff of the cigarette before he exhaled and murmured, “Sorry, Zaki…” 

“It’s okay…” Yamazaki’s voice was soft, and his eyes were wet. He hid his badminton racquet behind his back, as if he were afraid Toshiro would yell at him again if he were to see it. He came to join Toshiro on the ground, making sure to keep the racquet out of Toshiro’s sight. “What’s wrong?” 

“Sougo’s drivin’ me and everyone else mad. You wanna have a bitch at me about him, too, Zaki?” Toshiro pulled the envelope from his pocket and passed it to Yamazaki. “Matsuka just resigned ‘cause of him. File that letter for me when you can, won’t you?” 

Yamazaki tucked the envelope safely inside his jacket. He moved closer to Toshiro now that the anger seemed to have left him. “Vice-Commander, Okita-kun has never done anything to me. I don’t want to complain about him. He’s the only one who’s  _ nice  _ to me. Everyone else bullies me.” 

Toshiro snorted. “And you’re the only one crazy enough to call Sougo nice. You wanna keep him?” 

Yamazaki’s eyes lit up, as if it was the most exciting thing he’d ever been offered. He clasped his hands together, almost pleading as he gave a bright smile. “Can I? Please?” 

“Hn.” Toshiro took another deep puff of his cigarette before he threw his head back against the wall. “You can have him for the weekend if you really want him. Give us a fuckin’ break away from him…” 

Yamazaki leapt forward to wrap his arms around Toshiro and hug him tight. “Thank you, Vice-Commander!” 

Toshiro flinched, but Yamazaki was one of the two people Toshiro could handle touching him. He didn’t pull away; he just muttered, “Why the hell are you so excited about that? I’m  _ glad _ to be gettin’ rid of him for a bit.” 

Yamazaki’s eyes softened, and his smile was gentle. He rested his chin on Toshiro’s shoulder as he murmured, “I’ve been lonely, Vice-Commander.”

Toshiro frowned. He didn’t know how to reply, so instead he growled, “...No returns on Sougo until Monday. You want him, you put up with him.” 

Yamazaki squeezed Toshiro lovingly as he murmured, “I would keep Okita-kun forever if you’d let me.” 

It was times like these that Toshiro found himself worrying about Yamazaki, because  _ no one  _ in their right mind would be lonely enough to consider spending time with Sougo just to fill that void. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few more moments before Toshiro sighed. “I don’t know what the hell to do with him anymore, Zaki. I really don’t. What are we supposed to do with him?” 

“He needs therapy for what happened,” Yamazaki suggested softly. 

“I’ve told Kondo that, but he thinks it would be too much for Sougo.” Toshiro rolled his eyes. “I’ve even tried to get Sougo to take medication, and he refuses. I don’t know what else we’re expected to  _ do… _ ” 

Yamazaki frowned at the tears that welled up in Toshiro’s eyes. “Vice-Comm… Hijikata-san…?” 

“Hmm?”

Yamazaki pulled one arm away from Toshiro to scratch nervously at his wrist. He looked away. “I… I-I… If… If you need to… I-I can look after Okita-kun. For as long as you want me to. I… I’d like the company, too…” 

Yamazaki’s cheeks were dusted red, and he looked anywhere but at Toshiro. Toshiro offered a small smile. “Thanks, Zaki, but don’t do that to yourself. You really don’t understand what he’s like until you have to live with him. He’s… He’d be too much for you, Zaki. You’ve got enough you’re dealin’ with already. Why don’t you just have him for the weekend instead?” 

Yamazaki looked so sad that his offer hadn’t been taken up, but still, he forced a smile on his face and nodded. Toshiro could see the pain in his eyes, and it was moments like these that made him feel bad for all the times he had shouted at Yamazaki; Yamazaki truly was sweet, and he was just such a lonely person, only ever wanting to spend time with someone. 

Toshiro put his cigarette out on the pavement beneath them. “I mean it. Don’t bring him back until Monday. I want a peaceful weekend off work for once in my life.” 

Yamazaki smiled brightly. He saluted. “Yes, sir!” 

Toshiro got to his feet. He felt Yamazaki’s hand slip down his side, down his hand, and brushing their fingers together briefly before Yamazaki pulled away as if he’d been burnt. “Yamazaki?” 

Yamazaki’s shoulders were bunched under his ears, and he looked like he might start crying. He frowned, when just moments ago he had been calm and content. Toshiro had no idea what happened to flip his emotions like this in seconds, but it wasn’t the first time it had happened, and it was always worrying when it did. “Yes…?” 

“Put that stupid thing away. Can you take Sougo with you to go get us some lunch? I’ll pay for you.” 

And just like that, Yamazaki was smiling brightly once more. Toshiro couldn’t help but wonder if he had just imagined Yamazaki’s distress. “Yes, sir!” 

And just like that, Yamazaki had disappeared to put his racquet away in his police cruiser, eager to make Toshiro proud of him once again. Toshiro pulled his cigarette carton from his pocket and lit up another smoke, glad that he was going to get a break from Sougo for a while. 

But Toshiro didn’t get to enjoy his smoke for very long, because one of his subordinates came and alerted him to a call-in of a suspicious character not far from the station. Toshiro accepted the job, relieved to be away from Sougo. He met Yamazaki by his car and gave him the money to get lunch, and with that, he took his own cruiser out to the call-in location. 

Toshiro drove around for a while before he found someone who matched the suspect’s identity. He stopped the car and got out, walking up behind the silver-haired man who was crouching down on the footpath and parting a privacy bush to someone’s backyard.

“Why is it that every time I get a call-out lately, it’s to deal with you?” Toshiro couldn’t decide if fate loved or hated him, because standing in front of Gintoki was both the thing he loved the most, and hated the most. 

Gintoki turned around to stand and face Toshiro. He smiled. His dead eyes didn’t convey much, but he was relaxed. “I guess people really don’t like it when a stranger looks over their fence, do they?” 

“No, they don’t…” Toshiro pulled his cigarette from his lips and scuffed it out under his boot. “What are you lookin’ for this time? Another lost cat?” 

“Yes.” Gintoki smiled like there was no way Toshiro  _ wouldn’t  _ believe him. But then, his smile was replaced with a frown, and he reached out for Toshiro’s face. Toshiro wondered if he was imagining the concern on his face. “Oogushi-kun, what happened to your face?” 

Toshiro flinched violently at the hand that reached for him. He stepped back, his hand instinctively reaching for his weapon. Gintoki pulled his hand back to himself, understanding immediately the issue. When he spoke, Toshiro felt his breath catch on his throat. “Oogushi-kun’s face is too pretty to be bruised like that.” 

“Excuse me?!” Toshiro spat. His eyes were wide, and he almost choked on his saliva. 

But Gintoki just kept smiling, watching him with those dead eyes, until he saw the cat he was looking for run past in the distance. He started running, waving over his shoulder as he called out, “Bye-bye, Oogushi-kun! See you next time I peek over someone’s fence!”

And just like that, Toshiro was reminded of why he hated getting stuck dealing with Gintoki. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Break of Dawn Chapter 1

Toshiro had never really been the kind of person to sit on his phone all day. In all honesty, he tended to forget it even existed as he didn’t text anyone outside of Kondo and Yamazaki. Toshiro supposed that fact was why, after he had loaded the washing machine and hung out clothing on the line with his nose glued to his phone, Kondo got curious. 

“Who are you talking to, Toshi?” Kondo turned the heat down on the stove so the meat didn’t burn. “You’ve been on your phone all day. That’s unusual.” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but feel his breath catch in his throat. His face paled, and his palms felt clammy all of a sudden at the idea that Kondo may be suspecting something. His cheeks dusted red as he spluttered, “N-nobody!” 

Kondo raised his eyebrow. “I didn’t mean anything bad by it, Toshi. I was just curious because I never see you with your phone in your hand unless you’re on duty. Are you talking to Zaki?”

“It’s nothin’!” Toshiro snapped. Logically, he knew he shouldn’t be ashamed, and he could trust Kondo - but the thought of outting himself as gay… 

Toshiro  _ couldn’t.  _

Kondo didn’t press the matter. “Okay. Can you please tell Sougo his dinner is ready, and I’ll leave it in the fridge for him for whenever he wants it?” 

Toshiro was glad for the change of subject. He left the kitchen and went down the hallway, to the room at the front of the house to knock on Sougo’s bedroom door. “Sougo…? Can I come in?” 

Toshiro could hear Sougo storming across the bedroom. He ripped the door open and glared vehemently at Toshiro. “ _ What?!” _

Toshiro didn’t bite. “Your dinner’s ready. Kondo’s puttin’ it in the fridge for you.” 

“Fuck you!” Sougo snapped. 

Toshiro’s cheek twitched with agitation. He closed his eyes and forced himself to remain as calm as he could, or else things would only escalate. “Also, can you get a bag ready? Zaki asked to have you for the weekend and I said he could.” 

“I’m not fucking going!” Sougo snapped. “Tell him to go fuck himself! Better yet,  _ he  _ can fuck  _ you _ ! Two whores together!”

“Sougo!” Toshiro snapped. Sougo had done it now; he’d hit the wrong nerve. “Take that back, you little shit! You  _ know  _ somethin’ happened to me, so don’t fuckin’ talk about me like that!” 

“It happened to me, too, but you don’t see  _ me  _ acting like a victim about it!” Sougo yelled. “Go get Zaki to fuck you and maybe then you won’t be such a fucking asshole!” 

“He does  _ not  _ -!” 

“- Then maybe he should start!” Sougo shoved at Toshiro. “Get out of my room, Hijikata! You  _ know  _ I can’t stand you in my room!” 

“Don’t shove me, Sougo!” Toshiro yelled back. “I’ll knock your head in!”

“My name’s  _ Sougo,  _ not  _ Sagaru!  _ I’m not some collective bitch that puts up with you smacking me around all the time like Yamazaki does!” Sougo shoved Toshiro again. “If you tried smacking me around like you smack Zaki around, I’d slit your fucking throat! You’re just an abusive bastard!” 

Toshiro grabbed Sougo by the shoulders and slammed him against the door. “Fuck you, Sougo! I don’t smack  _ anyone  _ around!”

Sougo grabbed Toshiro by the hair and pulled as hard as he could. “Yes, you do! Fuck you, too!” 

“Sougo!” Kondo had arrived on the scene, and Sougo knew by his shouting that he was furious. “Let go of Toshi! Right now!” 

“Tell him to let go of me first!” Sougo snapped. 

But Toshiro didn’t have to be told; he released Sougo without a word and tried to step away, stopped only by Sougo’s hold on his hair. 

“Let go, Sougo!” Kondo shouted. “Enough!” 

Sougo released Toshiro. He peered up at Kondo with frustrated eyes, but his tone was much calmer now as he muttered, “Hijikata started it… He’s making me go to Zaki’s tomorrow and I don’t want to.” 

“Toshi and I have already discussed it, and yes, you  _ are  _ going to Zaki’s,” Kondo growled. “Now I’ve got your dinner in the fridge, and Toshi and I are leaving soon. Is there anything else you need us to do for you before we go?” 

“Yes. I need you to murder Hijikata and bury his body somewhere nobody will ever find it,” Sougo snarled. “I  _ hate  _ him!” 

Toshiro threw his hands up in the air and stomped to his bedroom, at the back of the house and almost far enough away to block out everyone’s voices. He threw himself onto his bed and pulled his phone back out, opening his messages to the half-written response he’d been working on previously. He deleted it and started a whole new sentence. 

_ Sougo’s doing my head in, Gintoki. I don’t know if I can keep dealing with this.  _

Gintoki’s reply came quickly.  _ What happened _ ? 

_ He called me a whore and kept shoving me. Telling me to let Zaki fuck me. He of all people should understand how much that hurts me.  _

Gintoki’s reply was delayed. Toshiro wondered if it were plausible he was angry. But hopefully not at Toshiro… 

Gintoki finally responded.  _ Don’t listen to him, Oogushi-kun. You’re not a whore. If he says that to you in front of me he’ll regret it.  _

Toshiro changed the subject. It was getting too sensitive for him to be comfortable with.  _ Kondo and I are going out for drinks with some of the other guys. Sougo always hates being left behind because he’s not old enough.  _

_ You know, if you ever feel like covering my tab, we can go out for drinks too.  _

Toshiro didn’t read into the statement. He knew Gintoki was poor, and he wasn’t surprised that Gintoki would stoop to trying to put his tabs onto other people. But before he could reply, Kondo knocked on his door. 

“Toshi? Are you ready to leave?” Kondo’s eyes fixed on the phone in Toshiro’s hand again, but this time he didn’t think much of it; it was normal for Toshiro to text Yamazaki every time Sougo had caused a fight. 

Toshiro nodded. He put his phone back into his pocket and got up from his bed so he could find his shoes and pull a coat over him. 

Sometimes, it was a relief that Sougo wasn’t old enough to join them for drinks, because it was the only escape Toshiro truly felt he  _ had _ . 

***

It was something of a tradition for the Shinsengumi to get together every Friday night at a bar and refresh themselves from their stressful work, but Toshiro didn’t tend to enjoy it when he was the designated driver and couldn’t drink away his problems until he was too drunk to stand. What made things even worse was how, even when Kondo was almost blind drunk, he still took notice of the time Toshiro was spending on his phone. 

“Who are you typing to, Toshi?” 

Toshiro flinched as Kondo’s hot breath billowed against his ear. He could smell the alcohol in his breath, and Toshiro couldn’t help but back away. He slipped his phone back into his pocket to hide the evidence. “Nobody. Mind your own business.” 

“Have you met someone, Toshi? Is she pretty?” Kondo leaned close again. Toshiro felt like thumping him on the head for it, but he didn’t want to cause a scene, especially when security was already standing so close by and watching another rowdy group. “Why haven’t you told me about her?” 

“I haven’t, you idiot! Fuck off!” Toshiro yanked his arm back to himself when Kondo grabbed at it. 

But Kondo had already set it in motion, because Todo and Harada leant across the table, teasing Toshiro on his mystery lover. Toshiro snapped back at them as his eyes scanned their table in search for anyone else thinking of getting in on the joke. But Saitou looked like he couldn’t have cared less, Kamiyama was too busy with his own phone to have even noticed the conversation going on around him, and Yamazaki was looking down at his lap with sad eyes and a frown. 

Toshiro managed to get the attention off of himself by ordering another round of drinks. Todo and Harada wrapped arms around each other and sang some stupid song loudly - and terribly - that Toshiro didn’t recognise. Kondo cheered them on, Saitou had fallen asleep, and Kamiyama still paid nobody any attention. Yamazaki was quiet and picking at the sleeve of his hoodie as he still stayed focused on his lap, but that was nothing unusual; gatherings were the only time he managed to shut up for five minutes and not talk peoples’ ears off. 

Toshiro pulled his phone out again to read the text he had received. His cheeks reddened at the contact name on his screen, and his heart sped up slightly. He opened the message, replying back quickly before anyone could notice he was texting again.  _ I’ll arrest you again for being a public nuisance if I see your face anywhere near here, Sakata.  _

Toshiro looked up when he felt eyes on him. He looked at Yamazaki, and Yamazaki quickly dropped his gaze again when he realised he had been caught. But before Toshiro could draw attention to it, his phone vibrated in his hand, and he dived on the reply.  _ Maybe I want you to arrest me again.  _

Toshiro’s face felt so red, he was surprised steam wasn’t coming off him. Yamazaki watched him again, and the sad look in his eyes grew. But Toshiro didn’t notice because he was too busy trying to think of how exactly he was supposed to reply to something like that. 

Toshiro didn’t get a chance to formulate an answer; their table was approached by two girls, and he had to reign in just how uneasy he was about it. 

“I’m not lookin’ to go home with anyone.” Toshiro slipped his phone away once more. His hands trembled with the itch to grab a smoke, but he couldn’t. He gestured to Kamiyama. “You wanna take that idiot though? You can have him. We won’t complain if he isn’t here.”

Harada’s booming voice added to Toshiro’s agitation. “Yeah, Hijikata’s got himself a girlfriend now!”

Toshiro’s cheek twitched as he turned to glare at Harada. He opened his mouth to snap at him, but he stopped when he noticed Todo shoving at Yamazaki. 

“Take him home with you!” Todo suggested. “He needs a good lay! I’ve heard he’s good in bed but he never goes home with anyone!” 

“How do  _ you  _ know he’s good in bed?!” Toshiro snapped. 

“Yeah, go home with them, Zaki!” Kondo cheered. “You’ll have fun with two of them!” 

Toshiro didn’t tend to get involved in peoples’ lives - especially his friends’ lives, because they were all idiots - and while it was true that Yamazaki probably  _ could  _ do with getting laid once in a while, Toshiro couldn’t help but feel bad for him at the way he was shoved out of his seat and towards the girls. The extreme distress in his expression, and the way he wrapped his arms around him while looking like he felt so trapped triggered Toshiro’s protectiveness of him. 

Toshiro sighed. He reached out and grabbed Yamazaki by the sleeve of his hoodie, pulling him onto the booth beside him. He wrapped one arm around Yamazaki’s shoulders and held him close as he glared at the women. “Hey, where do you think you’re goin’ with my boyfriend?” 

Toshiro glared at the girls until they left. He could feel Yamazaki pressed up against him, hugging him tightly, but Yamazaki never let go, not even once he was safe. Toshiro pulled his arm away to look down at Yamazaki when he felt him cuddling in even closer. Yamazaki peered up at him. Toshiro supposed his cheeks were so red because he’d been drinking - but then again, he hadn’t seen Yamazaki consume any alcohol for almost two hours now. Maybe he just hadn’t noticed… “What do you think you’re doin’?” 

Yamazaki’s cheeks flushed even more. Shyly, he squeaked, “I’m… drunk...?” 

Toshiro frowned, but he let it go. He didn’t shove Yamazaki away like he normally would; he instead endured the fear of touch and let him stay close. He saw Harada and Todo whispering to each other, looking at Yamazaki every so often, but whatever they were whispering about, Toshiro couldn’t hear. He guessed they were just bullying Yamazaki again beneath their breaths.

Toshiro pulled his phone from his pocket again. “Oi, Zaki. You’re good with people. How do I reply to someone who said they want me to arrest them?” 

Toshiro didn’t think anything of the crushed expression on Yamazaki’s face. In fact, Toshiro was probably imagining it, because still, Yamazaki helped him with his text messages without complaint, and it wasn’t like Yamazaki was in love with him when he was straight. 

But still, when everyone went home that night, and Toshiro had just settled into bed, ready for sleep, he was woken by his phone beeping with a message. He saw Yamazaki’s name on his screen, so he opened it; Yamazaki didn’t usually text this late. But all he found was a simple,  _ Are you really seeing someone? _

Toshiro thought about telling Yamazaki about Gintoki. He thought about asking Yamazaki for his help on how to ask Gintoki out. Yamazaki had good people skills, much better than Toshiro’s. But he decided against it. With a simple,  _ No, I’m not _ .  _ Why?,  _ Toshiro waited for the next message, but it never came. 

Toshiro didn’t know why that worried him, or why he felt so bad. 

***

“Can you get your bags ready?” Toshiro was unrelenting beneath the death glare Sougo fixed him with. 

“I told you I’m not going,” Sougo spat. 

Toshiro frowned. It was too early to deal with Sougo, especially when he had been so much more volatile than usual as of late. He struggled to keep himself calm. “C’mon, Sougo. Don’t let Zaki down. He’s really lookin’ forward to it.” 

“Not my problem.” Sougo pulled his bowl of cereal closer. 

“Sougo.” Toshiro grit his teeth. He knew he could be an asshole himself - especially to Yamazaki - but Sougo just… “He’s goin’ through somethin’, Sougo. He’s  _ lonely _ .  _ Please.  _ At least do it for him.” 

“Don’t wanna. Don’t care how he feels. Not my problem.” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but pity Yamazaki; imagine being so lonely, he was willing to settle for spending a weekend with this little bastard… “You’re a fuckin’ piece of work! You’re goin’, Sougo! I promised him!” 

“More like you just want to get rid of me!” Sougo’s scream took Toshiro by surprise. Toshiro ducked the bowl that was thrown at his head. “Fuck you! I hate you so much! You’re just trying to keep Kondo for yourself!” 

Toshiro knew he should have been prepared for the way Sougo rushed at him, but he wasn’t; he was tired, and this was the last thing he wanted to be dealing with. 

“Fuckin’ hell, Sougo!” Toshiro tried to wrestle Sougo off of him, but it ended up devolving into a vicious fist fight, broken up only by Kondo entering the room and yanking Sougo away from Toshiro. 

“Sougo, what is going on with you?!” Kondo roared. “You’ve just been getting worse and worse these last few weeks! Now you’re attacking Toshi!” 

“He’s trying to get rid of me!” Sougo shouted back. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he did so. “He hates me, and he just doesn’t want me around!” 

“That’s bullshit, Sougo!” Toshiro snapped back. “If anyone should feel unwanted, it’s  _ me! _ ” 

“Fuck off!” Sougo screamed. He tried to attack Toshiro again, but Kondo grabbed him and held him back.

“Sougo, what the  _ fuck _ ?!” Kondo grabbed Sougo’s shoulders and forced him to look at him. “What is  _ wrong  _ with you lately?!” 

“The only thing wrong with me is that Hijikata still lives!” Sougo sobbed. 

“He doesn’t want to go to Zaki’s ‘cause he thinks I’m getting rid of him and keepin’ you for myself,” Toshiro muttered. 

“Sougo, you’re going to Yamazaki’s!” Kondo yelled. “You are!” 

“I’m not going!” Sougo screamed. He was becoming hysterical, and Toshiro truly had no idea what to do that would help him. “I’m not going because then Hijikata won’t let me come home!” 

“It’s for  _ two days _ , Sougo! It’s already been organised!” Kondo usually held so much undue patience for Sougo - but Toshiro supposed he wasn’t the only one growing fed up with Sougo’s behaviour. “ _ Two days! _ ” 

“I’ll  _ kill _ Yamazaki if you make me go there!” Sougo screamed. “I’ll kill him!” 

“Yeah, and if you fuckin’ touch a hair on his head, I’ll kill  _ you!” _ Toshiro yelled back.

“What would you even care?!” Toshiro had never heard Sougo in so much despair before. It was as if he had lost all will, and had nothing but confusion left in him. “You hate Zaki, too! Just like you hate me!” 

“I don’t hate either of you!” Toshiro couldn’t help but admit that he was frightened of how hysterical Sougo was. “I love you both!” 

“You yell at Zaki and hurt him all the time - just like you do to me!” Sougo wailed. 

Toshiro pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. He had no idea how to handle the situation, and Kondo was just as lost as he was. He met Kondo’s eyes. 

“He’s going to Zaki’s,” Kondo assured. “He needs time away, I think.” 

Toshiro nodded in agreement. His phone rang in his pocket, and upon retrieval, Yamazaki’s name displayed on his screen. Toshiro walked out of the dining room to answer the call in privacy. 

“Hey, Zaki… You doin’ okay?” Toshiro was concerned about the sudden phone call after the silence he’d received last night. 

“Hijikata-san…” Yamazaki didn’t sound right. He sounded… slow, and out of it, like he was high on something. Toshiro’s heart raced as he thought that Yamazaki had done something stupid. 

“Yamazaki? Have you taken anything?” Toshiro went into his bedroom and shut the door behind him. 

“Mmm…” Yamazaki sighed. “They made me.” 

“Who made you. Yamazaki. What did you take.” Toshiro was firm now, ready to knock some heads in if someone had dared set his friend back on a bad path. 

“They said it would help. It helps a bit.” Yamazaki drifted off for a few moments before he seemed to remember he was talking to someone. “The pills. It helps a bit.” 

“Helps what.” Toshiro’s throat felt dry. 

“The pain.” 

“What pain.”

“My leg. The nurse made me. I said no and she made me.” 

Toshiro let out a baited breath now as he realised he had been worrying over nothing. “What did you do to your leg when I only saw you last night?” 

“Mmm… I fell over. Broke it.” 

Toshiro sighed. “You’re an idiot. You really are.” 

“Can you bring me my phone charger, please? I’m sleepy; gonna sleep for a bit…”

Toshiro let Yamazaki go, telling him to get some rest before he ended the call and searched for his spare phone charger to take to Yamazaki. Once he found it, he returned to the kitchen to give the news. “Yamazaki broke his leg last night and is in hospital, so I guess Sougo’s stayin’ here…” 

Toshiro tried to pretend it didn’t disturb him so much to see Sougo clinging to Kondo, so distressed, he had vomited during Toshiro’s absence. 

***

The night was strangely quiet. Sougo seemed to have fallen asleep earlier than usual, and Kondo was on the night shift. Toshiro was still awake, laying in his bed with his phone in his hands as he texted back and forth. The TV played quietly in the background, but Toshiro paid it no attention; not when his phone chimed again with a new message, and his heart stuttered at Gintoki’s name on his screen. 

_ How’s your face, Oogushi-kun?  _

Toshiro touched his face as he considered the question. The bruise that Gintoki had originally seen had been healing, but now, thanks to Sougo that morning, a lot of his face felt sore and swollen. 

But Toshiro didn’t want Gintoki knowing that.  _ It’s fine. It’s almost gone.  _

Gintoki replied back, and they exchanged messages for a short while before Toshiro took a deep breath and typed again, unable to dismiss his lack of self-confidence and fear that he was nothing but a burden. 

_ Am I keeping you up?  _ Toshiro couldn’t help but fear the reply; expecting the worst. 

_ Nope. You can talk to me all night if you want.  _

Toshiro’s cheeks flushed. His heart kept racing, and texting became hard when his hands started trembling from anxiety.  _ I need to sleep eventually.  _

Toshiro didn’t have the bravery to add on,  _ but I want to _ . 

They kept texting, until Toshiro’s phone beeped with a message from someone else. It was Yamazaki again, and Toshiro was tempted to ignore him for a while. 

But Toshiro didn’t have the heart; he knew how Yamazaki worried when he didn’t get responses.

Toshiro opened the message.  _ Are you awake? _

Toshiro replied back. Yamazaki’s response was a mess in all aspects, and Toshiro had to wonder just how high on painkillers he was to send such a jumbled mess. 

_ Please don’t be mad at me Hijikata I didn’t mean to make you mad I fell because I was upset about last night but I didn’t mean to and I love you so please don’t hate me _

Toshiro’s shoulders slumped. He could hardly make heads or tails of Yamazaki’s text; all he could take away from it was that he had apparently upset Yamazaki enough  _ somehow _ , to  _ somehow  _ cause him to break his leg.

_ Zaki. Go to sleep. I’ll talk to you in the morning.  _

But the damage had been done, and Toshiro’s shoulders slumped as he tried to understand how he had managed to upset Yamazaki enough for him to break his leg. 

It didn’t matter that Toshiro couldn’t work it out; all that mattered was that, no matter how hard he tried, he kept doing wrong by everyone he loved the most. 

Toshiro fought against tears as he reopened Gintoki’s message.  _ I’m going to go to sleep. Can I message you tomorrow? _

_ Sure. Looking forward to it, Oogushi-kun. _

Toshiro couldn’t help but smile to himself at that. He put his phone under his pillow before he took the remote and turned the TV off. He forced himself into sleep. 

And it was a peaceful sleep, somewhat, until he was startled back into consciousness by the sudden screaming right in his ear. 

Toshiro lurched upright in bed, trying to work out what was going on. He became acutely aware of the stench of burning, plastics and fabrics in the process of smouldering, but also the stench of burning flesh he unfortunately knew all too well from his line of work. 

Toshiro’s throat felt too tight to swallow as brief images of past call-outs to fatal fires flashed in his mind, and he wondered if maybe it was just a nightmare he was reliving. But Sougo’s face wasn’t a nightmare, not with the tears in his eyes as he screamed in pain and tried to shake away the spreading fire climbing the sleeve of his haori and engulfing the rest of his clothing in flames. 

“Sougo!” Toshiro reached out to his bedside drawers to snatch his water bottle. He keened as his hand was licked by flames, and it took everything he had to wrap his hand around the smouldering bottle and not falter at the melted plastic that stuck to his palm like a giant bandaid. 

Toshiro felt sick as he realised his bedroom was on fire, and everything he owned was being lost to the flames. But Sougo was his priority; he tipped whatever water hadn’t dissipated from the heat over the flames on Sougo’s clothes before he grabbed Sougo’s shoulders and forced him down. 

Sougo was still screaming as he tried to bat the flames off of him. He couldn’t even hear Toshiro screaming at him to roll; all he knew was that he felt like his flesh was melting, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever been so afraid in his life. 

Toshiro yanked the thick blanket from his bed. The blanket had caught fire, but it was just small, smouldering embers on the ends that Toshiro had stomped out with his bare feet. He used the blanket to smack at Sougo, trying his best to put him out, but the smoke and fumes from the flames were choking him, blinding him, and by the time Sougo stopped screaming, Toshiro wasn’t even sure if he were still alive. 

But Toshiro had gotten the flames out, and fueled by the lick of the fire at his own body, Toshiro grabbed Sougo under his arms and started to drag him. The roof collapsed on top of where they had been just seconds ago, but a metal beam that came crashing down hit Toshiro’s leg, burning it, cutting it open, and knocking him down, trapping him. 

Toshiro screamed at the unbelievable heat melting his flesh away, but he had no choice but to brace the agony and push it off him with all his strength. The smoke was thick, and Toshiro knew that if they didn’t get out now, they weren’t coming out alive. 

Toshiro limped to where he had shoved Sougo out of the way. He picked him up again, limping slowly, his vision fading in and out. He pulled his shirt up to cover Sougo’s mouth, trying to protect his lungs from the fumes that were filling his own with such thick smoke, Toshiro wasn’t sure he was going to be able to breathe even if they did manage to get outside. 

And sure enough, when Toshiro had somehow navigated the burning house and gotten them outside and onto the footpath, Toshiro choked and spluttered as he sat, sprawled out on the gutter with an unconscious Sougo on his lap, the shirt still held over his mouth to protect him, while Toshiro was sure he was about to die in front of the neighbours who had come out to them. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Break of Dawn Chapter 1

The first thing Toshiro asked when he was conscious, and his lungs were clear enough to talk, was if Sougo was okay. 

Kondo wiped at his eyes. He’d stayed by Toshiro’s bedside for the three days Toshiro had been conscious, but Toshiro wasn’t sure how many days had passed while he’d been unconscious. Toshiro had to wonder how Kondo had stayed hydrated with all the tears he had shed. Kondo’s voice was gentle, comforting, but even it couldn’t penetrate the pain all over Toshiro’s body that barely responded to the strongest of painkillers running through his veins from the IV drip. “Sougo’s okay, Toshi… Lots of burns, too… The nurses said you saved his life keeping his mouth covered because of everything he had already inhaled…” 

Toshiro dropped his head back onto his pillow and stared up at the roof. He could almost cry - almost - but if he were to do that, the burns on his face would be agitated, and it would just be more pain. “Kondo-san…? What happens now…?” 

Kondo didn’t have an answer. He couldn’t tell Toshiro something he didn’t know, either. He closed his eyes and gestured to all of the get-well presents on his bedside drawers. “Do you want to open some gifts, Toshi…? Even the Yorozuya have given you something.” 

Toshiro’s attention was caught now. He turned his head slowly to the side to look at Kondo again, trying not to agitate the burns on his neck that already throbbed, and didn’t need any reason to hurt more. “Yorozuya…?” 

“Yeah.” Kondo stood to sort through the gifts before he retrieved a gift bag. “Gintoki dropped it off while you were sleeping. Here.” 

Toshiro waited for Kondo to tilt the bed upright and drop the bag on top of him before he pulled his arms out from under the blankets to open the bag. He tried to ignore the thick bandaging all the way from his fingertips to his shoulders, and instead, as tenderly as he could, he opened the bag and looked in, finding a few cartons of sweets. 

Toshiro grunted as his fingers wouldn’t cooperate with his brain. They wouldn’t move properly, weak and lacking any real flexibility required to retrieve the sweets. He felt frustration well in him. “Kondo-san… Can you…?” 

Kondo understood the unspoken question. He pulled the sweets out and laid them in Toshiro’s lap. “Do you want any? I can get them out of the packaging for you if you need me to.” 

Toshiro let out a wracking cough. He shook his head, put off of the idea of eating now that his chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, trying to ride out the pain. “Kondo-san… It hurts…” 

“I know, Toshi… I know…” Kondo reached out to stroke Toshiro’s head. “I know…” 

A single tear rolled down Toshiro’s cheek, burns be damned. His expression looked lost, confused, and most of all, destroyed. When he spoke, his tone was full of anger. “If Yamazaki hadn’t broken his leg, Sougo would have been with him… He wouldn’t have been home to do what he did. None of this would have happened…” 

“It’s not his fault, Toshi. He couldn’t have predicted this,” Kondo defended. 

“It _is_ his fault!” Toshiro snapped. He stopped just long enough to cough up blood and sputum before he continued. “It _is_ his fault, because the stupid idiot broke it bein’ upset with me! He’s just a fuckin’ moron who needs to grow the fuck up and get a better grasp of his bi-polar disorder instead of takin’ it out on everyone!” 

“Toshi!” Kondo’s voice was raised, firm, but still kind and gentle. “Yamazaki is _not_ at fault! I _know_ your pain, Toshi! I feel the same thing! But putting the blame onto Zaki like he could have ever had any idea… Your anger is misplaced! Zaki would _never_ have done anything for this to happen if he could have had any idea! And he’s already blaming himself! He feels just as guilty as you’re making him out to be! So cut him some slack! It is _not_ his fault!” 

“Well, it fuckin’ feels like it is!” Toshiro rasped. 

“Toshi!” Kondo tapped the top of Toshiro’s head lightly with his knuckles. It was the only place he could touch him without hurting him. “If you need someone to blame, then blame _me_ ! _I’m_ the one who’s lost control of Sougo! _I’m_ the one who couldn’t keep him from lashing out! And _I’m_ the one who has let him get to this point because I was too proud to ask anyone for help! I don’t blame anyone else, Toshi. I don’t blame Yamazaki. I don’t even blame Sougo. Because at the end of the day… I should have been doing what was right for everyone, but I wasn’t. I let Sougo get to this point. I watched good officers leave because of him. I watched day in, day out, as he tormented you. Now our home is gone because I failed him as his guardian. I kept making excuses and hoped that if I buried my head in the sand for long enough, he’d snap out of it. So don’t blame anyone else. Don’t blame Yamazaki. Don’t blame Sougo. Blame _me_ if you need someone to blame.” 

Toshiro’s eyes narrowed. Tears streamed harder down his cheeks, only adding to his agitation as his pain flared from the wetness. “I hate you, Kondo. I hate all of you. You, Sougo, Yamazaki... Go fuck yourselves. You can all go and get fucked.” 

Kondo stood up to leave. His voice was soft as he murmured one last sentence. “And that’s okay, Toshi; I just hope you’ll see it soon.” 

And with that, Kondo was gone, leaving Toshiro to cry his heart out. 

***

Toshiro’s only visitors for the day were nurses, topping up his morphine and tending to his injuries. Food was brought into him, but even if he felt hungry, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been able to feed himself with how damaged his hands had become. 

When his door opened after nightfall, Toshiro had assumed it was more nurses. But instead of the nurses, Toshiro was faced with Gintoki entering his room. 

“Gintoki…” Toshiro hated how sore his throat was, especially when it came to talking. He squeezed his eyes shut tight to hold back tears that had welled without warning. “Gintoki…” 

Gintoki shut the door behind him before he moved to sit on the chair by the bed. He folded his arms across his chest and tilted the chair back on its hind legs lazily. “I heard from a gorilla today that you’re not doing too well.” 

Toshiro tried to pull the blankets up over his head, but he couldn’t summon enough strength in his fingers to hold the blanket. He shook his head. “Gintoki, I…” 

Toshiro’s shoulders heaved with emotion. Gintoki watched him with that dead expression of his, but for some reason, it comforted Toshiro. Gintoki reached into his pocket and pulled out a pink phone. He dropped it onto Toshiro’s lap. “I thought you might want this. To give you something to do. It’s Kagura’s old phone, but I just bought her a new one. We were going to sell it for rent money, but you can have it.” 

Toshiro choked on something that wasn’t entirely sputum trapped in his lungs. He shook his head, but before he could reply, Gintoki was dropping a bag next to him on the bed that Toshiro hadn’t seen him come in with. 

“I’ll lend you these. But I want them back, so don’t spill mayonnaise on them or I’m gonna deck you when you’re out of hospital.” Gintoki reached into the bag to withdraw a JUMP manga. “This is the latest one. But they didn’t publish To Love Ru this week, so you’ll have to wait until next week for your shitty manga.” 

Toshiro took the manga as best he could between both hands. He winced at the pain it spread in his right palm, his left palm numb and unfeeling, but he didn’t say anything. “No To Love Ru? What a shit fuckin’ week.” 

“To Love Ru’s shit even when it is published,” Gintoki teased. 

“Asshole. To Love Ru’s great!” Toshiro did his best to balance the manga on his chest and open it. It wasn’t easy to do so, but at least he could manage to read it. “It’s Zaki’s favourite, too. I told him if he tells anyone that we talk about it each week, I’m killin’ him myself.” 

A slight smile tugged at the edges of Gintoki’s lips, and his eyes took on a warmer expression. He looked more relaxed now, but Toshiro supposed he was just glad that he had managed to cheer Toshiro up. 

“The gorilla said you hate them for what happened.” Gintoki watched Toshiro’s expression carefully. He supposed that even if Toshiro had said it, he hadn’t really known what he was talking about since he had just spoken so affectionately of one of them. 

Toshiro frowned. He put the manga down so he could look back up at the roof. He tried to shrug, but he stopped at the pain it caused. “To be honest, Gintoki… I don’t know. I think I don’t hate them, that maybe I did for a little bit and then I forgave them… But then I lay there, thinkin’ too much ‘bout it… And I remember how easily it all could have been avoided if Zaki wasn’t a fuckin’ idiot… And I just… I feel like I hate them. I feel like I resent them all. But then… As quickly as it comes on, I just don’t… I don’t have the energy to keep hatin’ them…” 

“That’s grief, and it’s natural,” Gintoki promised. “You’re probably still in shock, too. The anger and hatred would be a mask to protect yourself from more pain. I get it. It happens to me, too. Anger… is sometimes easier than numbness.” 

Toshiro wiped at his wet eyes. He shook his head. “I’d rather feel numb, Gintoki… I’d rather just not feel anythin’ at all…” 

Gintoki folded his arms across his chest again as he regarded Toshiro. He was quiet for a few moments. “The gorilla knows you don’t mean it. He knows you’re trying to cope. But even so… I think it really hurt him.” 

Toshiro’s frown grew. “Hurt him…?” 

Gintoki nodded. “To say you hate the other two as well. I’ve never seen him cry until he told me you said that. I think it broke his heart for him to think you could have meant it.” 

Toshiro grit his teeth as he tried to hold back his tears. “Yamazaki and his _fuckin’ leg_ …!” 

“Did Kondo tell you how he broke it?” 

“No.” 

“He went home and got drunk, went out into the yard to play badminton, tripped over his own racquet, and fell down a ditch that had been dug up for a burst water main. The neighbours had to call him an ambulance, and he was stuck in the ditch naked because his boxers got caught on the way down.” 

Toshiro was silent for a few moments as he processed the information, before finally, his eyes welled up again, and he laughed so heartily, it was like he could forget everything that had happened for just a few moments. He wiped tears of amusement from his eyes as he murmured, “Can you stay the night with me, Gintoki?”

“I can’t; Kagura’s home with me tonight. But I will tomorrow night.” Gintoki stood up and straightened his clothing. “Make sure you catch up on JUMP before then because my friends have been too busy to talk to them about it.” 

“Ah. I will.” Toshiro’s cheeks flushed, and his eyes dropped. “Thanks…” 

Gintoki waved back at him as he disappeared through the door and out of sight. Toshiro hugged the manga close to his chest, feeling his mood plummet immediately at Gintoki’s absence. He thought about keeping busy with the manga, but he decided against it; he’d just go to sleep for the night, and hopefully he’d feel better in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Break of Dawn Chapter 1

Since getting out of the hospital, the most spectacular part of Toshiro’s life was when he won in Rock Paper Scissors and got the back seat of Kondo’s police car to sleep on at night. But the problem with that was that even having the back seat to sleep on wasn’t worth being stuck in such close proximity to Sougo because, whatever had spurred Sougo on that night, didn’t seem to have gotten any better - if anything, it had gotten so bad, Toshiro  _ was  _ starting to worry about whether or not Sougo truly did mean him harm. 

Toshiro wondered if everyone else was starting to think the same thing, because when Toshiro told Kondo he was spending the night at Yamazaki’s, Kondo seemed almost eager for him to be away for a while. 

“Jeez…” Yamazaki frowned as he tried to remove the bandage as carefully as he could from Toshiro’s arm. The bandage was stuck in the open wound, and he dared not hurt Toshiro. Yamazaki didn’t look at him, then or any time before since Toshiro had been there, as he murmured, “I’ll get some supplies. Wait there, Vice-Commander.” 

Toshiro stayed where he was, sitting lazily on the floor of Yamazaki’s living room. He had been patient throughout Yamazaki’s care, but when Yamazaki returned with a bowl of water, salt, and cotton balls, he couldn’t help but wince. He said nothing, mostly because he knew just how tender and gentle Yamazaki was doing his best to be, and just let Yamazaki change bandages and moisten the wounds with antibacterial cream once he’d cleaned the wounds out properly. It was painful - it really was - but Toshiro did his best to hide it; Yamazaki already looked like he was on the verge of crying without needing to think he was causing his best friend unnecessary pain. 

When Yamazaki finished treating the wounds, he clutched at his knees and looked down, biting at his lip. Toshiro sighed.

“Alright. Out with it. Why are you bein’ so fuckin’ weird lately?” Toshiro knew he probably sounded harsher than he had intended, but he couldn’t help it; his emotions were on a hair trigger, and Yamazaki wasn’t helping. 

Yamazaki let out a sob as he finally looked at Toshiro. His eyes were wet, and he clutched desperately at his kimono as he shifted on his knees nervously. “I… I-I…” 

“Spit it out. I’m not gonna bite ya.” 

Yamazaki wiped at his eyes as he shook his head. “I’m… I… I’m just… so really… very… s-s-sorry…!” 

Toshiro frowned as Yamazaki’s voice cracked more and more until he was sobbing into his arm, his body shaking as he tried to hold back his emotions. “Oi… Yamazaki…?” 

“O-okita-kun said y-you h-hate me!” Yamazaki was crying harder. Toshiro hadn’t seen him this distressed in years. “I-I’m just s-so sorry…!” 

“What are  _ you  _ sorry for?!” Toshiro snapped. “ _ You  _ didn’t fuckin’ -” 

“- I was being stupid and was upsetting myself and I thought that if I just played some badminton, I’d feel better - but it was stupid because if I hadn’t, then I would have had Okita-kun, and your house would be fine and you wouldn’t be hurt and everyone would -” 

“- Yamazaki.” Toshiro grabbed Yamazaki by the shoulders. He winced at the pain it caused his right palm, but he didn’t let go. “Yamazaki. Why the  _ fuck  _ would you listen to  _ Sougo  _ of all people? I  _ don’t  _ hate you. I  _ don’t  _ blame you. At first, I… Well, I blamed and hated everyone! Even Kondo! But I was… They weren’t genuine emotions. Sougo’s a fuckin’ bastard, and I’m gonnna kick his ass for tellin’ you that.” 

Yamazaki’s tears slowed as understanding crossed his face. “You… don’t hate me, Vice-Com - Hijikata-san…?” 

“No, Yamazaki. You’re my friend. It wasn’t your fault. Sougo’s a fuckin’ shithead for sayin’ that shit to you. C’mere.” Toshiro pulled Yamazaki into his arms, holding onto him tight. “I’m not mad. I don’t hate you. Sougo’s full of shit.” 

Yamazaki’s trembling stopped with Toshiro’s arms around him. He hesitated to return the embrace, knowing just how significant the burns were all over his body. He looked up, his head brushing against Toshiro’s jaw. “...I won’t… hurt you, Hijikata-san…?” 

“Nah. I’m built tough.” It  _ did  _ hurt for Yamazaki to hug him. It hurt so fuckin’ much, but he said nothing; he just let Yamazaki cling to him like a lifeline. He threaded his bandaged hand through Yamazaki’s hair before he murmured, “What did I do to upset you, anyway? Was it callin’ you my boyfriend? I didn’t think you were homophobic.” 

Yamazaki’s cheeks dusted red. His eyelids dropped, and he gave a shy smile. “No… It wasn’t that, Hijikata-san. I… didn’t mind pretending to be Hijikata-san’s boyfriend…” 

Toshiro missed the way Yamazaki’s cheeks went scarlet. “Then what was it?” 

Yamazaki shook his head. “It’s okay… It was stupid. I was being stupid.” 

“I’ll believe that; you’re good at bein’ stupid.” Toshiro chuckled fondly. He squeezed Yamazaki tightly before he murmured. “I’m not mad at you. I’m not. So stop bein’ weird around me; I’m still your friend, and I still love you.”

Yamazaki wiped at his eyes to get rid of the last of his tears. Shyly, he stuttered, “I love you, too…” 

“I can tell; I was startin’ to expect you outside my bedroom window at night ‘cause I can never get rid of you.” Toshiro’s tone was so affectionate, and his smile so warm, Yamazaki couldn’t help but smile back. “Maybe we should have a shower and go to bed. I’m pretty tired.” 

Yamazaki’s body twitched at the suggestion. His cheeks dusted red, and his gaze lowered. “Do… you need any help…?” 

“No. You go first; it’ll take me a while.” 

Yamazaki left without protest. They both had their showers, brushed their teeth, and Yamazaki insisted that Toshiro stay on the sofa and let him shut the house down and roll out the futons. Toshiro didn’t argue. He waited for Yamazaki to call him into the bedroom, and just like the mother hen that Yamazaki was, he helped Toshiro down onto the futon, and tucked him in tight. 

Yamazaki turned the light off before he went to his own futon, laid conveniently close to Toshiro’s own, but Toshiro didn’t complain; Yamazaki was a strange guy, and under normal circumstances, he would have shyly asked to sleep with Toshiro - one-bed motel rooms were a pain in the ass on jobs that required him going out of town with Yamazaki. 

Toshiro just supposed Yamazaki was conscious of accidentally hurting him if he were to get too close. It made sense; Yamazaki didn’t have a mean bone in his body, and Toshiro had unfortunately been privy to seeing Yamazaki cry his eyes out for having stepped on a dog’s paw by accident once. 

Toshiro couldn’t fall asleep easily. He didn’t think it had to do with the way he could feel Yamazaki’s eyes lingering on him until finally, maybe an hour or so later, he finally fell asleep. He was sure it was the pain of having even the fabric of his sleeping yukata on his more minor burns, let alone the severe ones. It was a relief to know that some of the third degree burns had seared right through his nerves; he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have the pain of those wounds on top of everything else. 

Toshiro sighed. Yamazaki’s breathing sounded so peaceful, and Toshiro wished he could join him in sleep. But he couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried. 

Toshiro threw the blankets back and moved to join Yamazaki on his own futon. He didn’t know what exactly had come over him; he just knew that the body that was happily snuggling into his chest and gripping his yukata with small fists wasn’t helping as much as he thought it would. Yamazaki let out a soft sigh. He nuzzled his face against Toshiro’s chest, mumbling his name sleepily. Toshiro stroked his head, but it just wasn’t the same when the hair he really wished he could stroke had a soft, silver shine to it. 

***

Toshiro’s phone beeped during breakfast. Yamazaki was still talking Toshiro’s ear off, but he fell silent when Toshiro held his hand up. Yamazaki watched curiously as Toshiro read the text. 

“Is it the Commander?” It made sense to Yamazaki; very rarely did Toshiro text anyone else when they were together. 

Toshiro shook his head. “My friend.” 

Yamazaki looked strained all of a sudden. He looked at his lap. Whatever happiness he’d been wearing all morning was gone, replaced by a look of uncertainty and nervousness. “Are… You have a new friend…?” 

“Yeah. Didn’t I tell you?” Toshiro didn’t realise just how hurt Yamazaki looked to have whispered a sad no. “Oh, you know him. Yorozuya. Remember? We picked him up months ago for a drunk and disorderly.” 

“Ahh…” Yamazaki’s eyes still looked so sad, but Toshiro just couldn’t understand why he looked like his puppy had just been kicked. “I know Danna…” 

Toshiro went silent so he could respond to the text. But when Yamazaki gave a heartbroken whisper, he turned his attention back to him. 

“Are you gonna replace me…?” Yamazaki’s eyes were wet. 

Toshiro blinked, trying to comprehend the question. “What?” 

Yamazaki looked down. He clutched his hakama nervously. “...” 

“Yamazaki.” Toshiro’s tone was firm. “Why the  _ fuck  _ would I replace you? You’re my  _ friend _ . My  _ best  _ friend. You were the first friend I’ve  _ ever  _ had. You drive me mad sometimes, you really do… And I swear I could strangle you. But you’re my friend, and I’m not gonna replace you, Zaki. Stop bein’ weird. Have some confidence in yourself. You’re a good person. I have no reason to replace you.”

Yamazaki didn’t look convinced. He rubbed at his wrist as his lip quivered. “...” 

Toshiro sighed. “Zaki. I love you. I really do. But I got enough goin’ on for me right now. I can’t hold you up with me. So I need you to  _ trust  _ me. I don’t have the energy to sit here and assure you every five minutes that just because I’m talking to someone, doesn’t mean I’m gonna forget about you. I love you. You’re my best friend. I  _ care  _ about you. But I just can’t shoulder anythin’ else right now.” 

“I just… don’t see why you  _ wouldn’t  _ want to replace me…” Yamazaki whispered. “I mean, I’m just… I’m plain. I’m boring. You’re the only person who makes me feel like you like having me around you. But… I’m plain.” 

“Yeah, and?” Toshiro blinked, waiting for a response. “Sougo’s an asshole, and I still keep him around. I put up with a lot from you, Zaki. Your fuckin’ reports that read like essays. The way you always seem to fuck up the easiest of jobs in ridiculous ways. The way you can’t shut the fuck up for five minutes, or keep your damn hands off me. Fuck, I let you share my  _ bed  _ with me sometimes, Zaki. I  _ can’t  _ do that for  _ anyone else _ . Not even Kondo. I panic, I freak out, I have flashbacks… But not with you. If I put up with that kind of shit from you, I don’t think I’m gonna replace you just ‘cause some assholes like to call you Jimmy when they think I’m not listening.” 

Yamazaki finally looked up again. His cheeks were damp, but he wiped the tears away with his sleeve. He nodded. “...” 

Toshiro sighed. “Look… I’m gonna be honest with you - but you don’t tell  _ anyone _ . Not even Kondo.  _ Especially  _ not Sougo. Or I’m never gonna tell you anythin’ ever again. You’re the only person who’ll know this secret.” 

Yamazaki nodded. “...” 

“Okay. Look. I’m only tellin’ you this so you know and you don’t think I’m hidin’ shit and gonna abandon you. But… Look, I  _ like  _ the Yorozuya bastard. I’ve liked him for a while now. And if I was more confident… I  _ would  _ ask him out. But I’m not. I got… I got all this shit in my head ‘bout why I’m not good enough, and all the trauma… Gintoki would want sex, and I  _ know  _ I wouldn’t be able to give it to him… I wouldn’t be… a good boyfriend to him… To  _ anyone _ .” 

Yamazaki looked like there was something he so desperately wanted to say. He swallowed thickly, his throat extending with the effort. He licked his lips, and for all his nervous shaking, all he could manage was to stutter, “I didn’t know Hijikata-san likes guys…” 

“Yeah… It’s not really… somethin’ I think about tellin’ people.” Toshiro shrugged. 

Yamazaki’s heart raced, and he felt lightheaded. His palms were clammy, and his face went red as he tried to gather up the courage to say something he’d been wanting to say for years but could only ever cry in private at how unspeakable the words felt. “H-hijikata-san… I-I… I think Hijikata-san would be a  _ great  _ boyfriend… I-if… If Hijikata-san were my boyfriend… I wouldn’t mind if we didn’t have sex. I wouldn’t want to have sex if Hijikata-san doesn’t want to have it. I would just want to embrace with Hijikata-san, and kiss him, and hold his hand, and cuddle with him whenever I can, and if we ever had sex, we would make love, and -” 

“- You sure sound like you’ve thought about this a lot.” Toshiro was joking, so he didn’t understand why Yamazaki flinched away as if he’d been burned.

Yamazaki licked his lips as he tried to muster all the courage he could find to tell Toshiro his feelings. “Hijikata-san… I-I like y-” 

But just as Yamazaki found the courage, Toshiro’s phone beeped again, and Yamazaki faltered. His eyes welled with tears. 

Toshiro replied to the message. He hummed curiously when he felt Yamazaki reach across to brush his fingers against the back of his hand, a ghostly touch dampened by the bandages. “Zaki? What’s wrong?” 

Yamazaki’s tears streamed down his cheeks. He bit at his lip as he tried to hold back his emotions. But seeing the brief smile that had just crossed Toshiro’s face as he read Gintoki’s message… Yamazaki swallowed down everything he wanted to say, and instead, he choked out, “D-do you think… Danna would be g-good to you, Hijikata-san…?” 

Toshiro nodded. He couldn’t deny the way Yamazaki was crying like he was at a funeral worried him, but he didn’t bring it up. “Yeah. I think so.” 

“Then…” Yamazaki looked at his lap for all of two seconds before he dived out of his seat and wrapped his arms tight around Toshiro. He loosened his hold when Toshiro yelped in pain. But still, he forced a smile onto his face, and despite his tears, he whispered, “...I will help Hijikata-san get a date. As long as Danna will be good to him.” 

Toshiro leant into the warm hand that cupped his face, but he still reached out to thump Yamazaki on top of the head. “You’re so weird! Why are you cryin’  _ now _ ?!” 

Yamazaki laughed. His smile was sincere now as he pulled away. “Because, Hijikata-san, I  _ love _ you!” 

“Stop bein’ weird and be  _ normal  _ for once!  _ Normal _ ! Go get me more mayonnaise!” Toshiro hesitated to add on, “And tell me how the hell I’m supposed to approach someone with romantic interest!” 

Yamazaki’s tears stopped now, and his smile was still sincere as he fetched the kewpie from the fridge for Toshiro. It was true it hurt to realise Toshiro had found someone he liked, but… 

Well, Yamazaki had spent all these years content with the attention as a friend, and if Toshiro would be happy… 

“First step is to smile some more, or else you tend to scare people away.” Yamazaki put the kewpie down in front of Toshiro with a smile. “But we can skip that step and start with texting instead.” 

“You really are an idiot.” But Toshiro couldn’t keep the affection from his voice. He’d never know how to tell Yamazaki just how grateful for his friendship he was, because even though Yamazaki frustrated him to tears at times, Toshiro knew that there was  _ nothing _ Yamazaki wouldn’t do for him. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Break of Dawn Chapter 1

“So when do the bandages come off?” 

Toshiro frowned down at his drink. He picked the glass up by the rim and swirled the sake thoughtfully. “When it stops hurtin’, I guess.” 

Gintoki hummed. He dropped his elbow onto the counter to lean his head against his palm as his eyes wandered over Toshiro’s bandaged body. “A month later and it’s still hurting?” 

“Yeah…” Toshiro fingered a bandage peeking out from beneath his yukata sleeve. “Some parts of my body don’t have feelin’ anymore though; the nerves got burnt right through. Like my palm. ‘Cause I… I grabbed my water bottle, tryin’ to put Sougo out… The plastic was melted, and it got stuck to my palm. I don’t have feelin’ in it anymore.” 

Gintoki could see the haunted look in Toshiro’s eyes. “You think about it alot?” 

“Yeah. Especially at night. Nightmares have been bad…” Toshiro gulped down the last of his beverage before he ordered another one. “I stayed with Zaki last night again. He said I was havin’ nightmares all night, cryin’... He kept tryin’ to wake me up, but couldn’t.” 

“It wouldn’t help that you’re living in a car,” Gintoki pointed out. “Why aren’t you staying with friends?” 

“Because Sougo is a little bastard,” Toshiro growled out. “The only person who wants to deal with Sougo is Zaki, but he’s got enough shit goin’ on for him, and he doesn’t need stress.” 

“And you don’t deserve to be sleeping in a car - especially with injuries like that.” Gintoki’s eyes narrowed at the sight of Toshiro’s right hand, still bandaged to the fingertips. “You need a soft bed or else you’ll make things worse.” 

Toshiro sighed. “Not much I can do, Gintoki…” 

Toshiro didn’t want to keep the conversation up. It was taking too much of a toll on his mental health, and the last thing he wanted was to break down here and now. He frowned. Well, he may as well do what he had asked Gintoki out to the bar to do… 

Toshiro took a deep breath. He tried his best to remember everything Yamazaki had told him about asking people out. “Gintoki… I was wondering… If maybe you… would be interested in havin’ drinks with me more often? Just… Just the two of us?” 

Gintoki hummed curiously. There was a knowing look in his eye, and Toshiro couldn’t help but swallow nervously. “Just the two of us, hey?” 

Toshiro did his best to keep his cool. He nodded. “Yeah. I-I mean… if you have friends you wanna invite out, that’s okay, too… But I thought… It would be nice if it were just us?” 

Gintoki’s lips curled into a knowing smile. “Maybe if you pay for my drinks.” 

Toshiro didn’t know why he jumped on the idea eagerly when usually he would yell for anyone else to cover their own drinks. But instead, he nodded, agreeing hastily; the idea was just too good to pass up. 

But no matter how much Yamazaki had encouraged Toshiro and told him he would be fine, Toshiro’s courage faltered. He hadn’t expected Gintoki to agree, and now that he had, well… 

Toshiro wasn’t sure he wanted to be disappointed. 

But hours later, when Toshiro had paid for both of their drinks, and they were stumbling out of the bar and through the back alleys until they would eventually part ways, Toshiro stopped them, just out the front of Gintoki’s home. 

“Gintoki…” Toshiro’s cheeks were red, not from the buzz of the alcohol, but rather, because everything Yamazaki had told him to do had left his head, and there just one thing for him to try. He pressed their lips together, lightly, so lightly, Toshiro wondered if perhaps he had lost feeling in even his lips. 

Gintoki hummed. He reached out to cup the back of Toshiro’s head and pull him in closer. Their lips moved together, slowly, but Toshiro didn’t mind; it was perfect to him. Gintoki was the one to pull away. He pressed his forehead to Toshiro’s, smiling. “I didn’t think you were into men, Hijikata. What a pleasant surprise. Maybe you really were liking those nice little DVDs I kept giving you.” 

Toshiro’s cheeks flushed at the insinuation. “S-shut up.” 

Gintoki’s smile was sincere. He cupped Toshiro’s face affectionately. “But maybe we should talk about this tomorrow when you aren’t drunk. Especially considering your past.” 

Toshiro hummed in agreement. He clutched Gintoki’s shoulders tightly. “Tomorrow? I have work in the mornin’. ...Can… we meet up somewhere after I finish?” 

“My idea of ‘somewhere’ is a love hotel, Hijikata-kun; maybe you should be more specific.” 

Toshiro wrapped his arms around Gintoki and rested his face against his chest. It was nice to feel his warmth; Toshiro didn’t want to ever let go. “I don’t want sex, but I don’t mind goin’ there to kiss.” 

Gintoki chuckled. He brushed Toshiro’s bangs from his face so he could plant a kiss on his forehead. “I would invite you over for the night, but Kagura is here, and I don’t think I would be able to keep my hands off you if I were to get you into my bed.” 

Toshiro leaned into Gintoki’s warmth. He did his best to fight away the instinct to recoil at physical touch, and instead, he soaked it in as much as he could. “No sex. But you can kiss me and hug me to your heart’s desire.” 

Gintoki laughed. “If you tell me no, I respect that. But watch out for your Jimmy; he looks ready to jump your bones any day now.” 

“Hey.” Toshiro smacked Gintoki lightly on the head. “He’s straight. And he doesn’t like me like that.” 

“Yes, he does. It’s more obvious than even my natural perm.” 

“He does not. He’s just a fuckin’ weird guy who’s too clingy for his own good.” 

“Uh-huh.” Gintoki kissed the top of Toshiro’s head. “I thought you were smarter.” 

Toshiro pouted. “You’re an idiot.” 

“I must be to like you as much as I do,” Gintoki agreed. “But I’m not willing to share you with him.” 

Toshiro shoved at Gintoki’s chest now at the surge of anger that rushed through him. “I’m not tellin’ him to fuck off, Gintoki. He’s my friend.” 

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean  _ that _ .” Gintoki pulled Toshiro back into his arms and squeezed him tight. “But if Jimmy-kun dares touch you, I’ll be paying him a visit.” 

“He won’t, Gintoki. He doesn’t like me like that. I promise.” 

Gintoki hummed. He brushed his fingers through Toshiro’s hair. “Maybe you should be paying closer attention to your friend if that’s what you think.” 

And just like that, Gintoki was gone. 

Toshiro grumbled to himself, but he was too drunk to really take in what had just happened. All he knew was that Gintoki didn’t know what he was talking about, and Yamazaki was the  _ last  _ person who would like him. 

***

Toshiro didn’t know what was wrong with him. He’d never trembled at the idea of facing Gintoki before, but now, as he parked his police cruiser far from their meeting destination, he couldn’t help but feel panicked. 

Toshiro wondered if it were because Gintoki knew he liked him. He wondered if it were because he had tried to argue back the night previous, and refuse Gintoki’s demands. Toshiro didn’t know a lot about relationships, but he was sure that only one party was supposed to be the dominant partner, and the other submissive. Toshiro wondered if he felt frightened because he knew how short his temper could be at times, and he was afraid of talking back to Gintoki.

But so far, from every encounter they’d had with each other, the only thing Gintoki had been angry about was Yamazaki. Toshiro flinched. He got out of the cruiser and walked slowly to the meeting spot. Yamazaki was Toshiro’s friend, and Toshiro didn’t want to lose him. But… 

Wasn’t it standard practise to have to get rid of friends and family for a relationship? It sure seemed that way from all the manga he’d read with Yamazaki. 

Toshiro’s eyes welled with tears, but he fought them back. He loved Yamazaki - and god did he know Yamazaki loved  _ him _ \- but Toshiro really did want the experience of a relationship, especially with Gintoki. 

Would Yamazaki understand if Toshiro told him Gintoki didn’t want Yamazaki around? If he ever broke up with Gintoki, he and Yamazaki could just go back to being friends again, right…? 

Toshiro scratched frustratedly at his face as he walked through the automatic doors and into a lobby. He growled to himself as he headed for the elevator. This was frustrating. This was  _ stressful _ . He should have asked Kondo beforehand what the appropriate way to do this was, because he had  _ no idea _ .

But… Toshiro  _ really  _ didn’t want to have to cut Yamazaki off… 

Toshiro entered a floor destination and spent the elevator ride trying to get his tears under control. He wiped at his face for a while before he exited the elevator and went to the room number Gintoki had texted him earlier. He took deep breaths to calm himself before he knocked on the door and waited for Gintoki to let him in. Toshiro’s trembling increased when the door was opened, and he was let inside. 

“I didn’t think you were serious when you said love motel…” Toshiro shrugged off his uniform coat and hung it from a chair to keep it from creasing. He removed his vest next before rolling up his white sleeves to try and find reprieve from the warm day. 

Gintoki smirked. “Appropriate, isn’t it?”

“How?” 

“If we’re going to be talking about feelings, it’s appropriate that we’re in a place where lots of loving usually happens…” 

Toshiro flinched at the insinuation. His mouth went dry, and he couldn’t stop his hands from trembling. He realised now  _ exactly  _ how out of line he had been last night towards Gintoki, making demands and refusing Gintoki’s wishes - how lucky he’d been that Gintoki hadn’t beaten him for thinking he could ever have a say in what happened in a relationship…

Toshiro’s eyes filled with tears as he whispered, “If you really want me to get rid of Yamazaki, I will…” 

Gintoki raised his eyebrow. His entire demeanour changed, and Toshiro didn’t know how he was supposed to take it. Gintoki patted his knees, and the softness Toshiro usually knew him for was gone as he became demanding. “Come here. On your knees.” 

Toshiro almost crawled along the floor until he was in between Gintoki’s legs. He couldn’t lift his head and make eye contact; he only trembled, more and more, until tears were slipping down his cheeks as he braced himself for whatever Gintoki wanted to do to him. 

Gintoki’s tone was still hard as he cupped Toshiro’s face in a huge palm. “You like this? Being spoken to like you’re worth nothing?” 

Toshiro shook his head. “...” 

“You don’t like it? So why are you letting me? What do you think a relationship even  _ is _ ?” 

Toshiro shook his head again before he whispered, “I-I don’t know…” 

Gintoki reached out to drag Toshiro up onto his lap. He held one hand loosely on Toshiro’s waist, stroking Toshiro’s hair with his other. He was soft again now, and Toshiro didn’t know why it only confused him even more. “You really don’t know  _ how  _ you deserve to be treated, do you? Is that why you put up with Souichiro-kun the way you do? You think it’s what you deserve. You hate it… But you know no better. You don’t even realise just how kind someone could be to you…” 

“S-shut up…!” Toshiro squeezed his eyes shut tight as he sobbed. “I do so!” 

“Is that why you can’t see just how much Jimmy-kun likes you? He’s  _ too  _ nice to you, so you can only think that he’s weird.” 

“I told you I’ll get rid of Yamazaki!” Toshiro cried out. “It’s what you want, so I’ll do it!” 

“Hey.” Gintoki was hard again now. He cupped both sides of Toshiro’s face. “How is it that you were so much more logical when you were drunk? You think that’s what a relationship should be? Controlling?  _ Lonely _ ? Hijikata. You were the  _ last  _ person I expected to let themselves be controlled like that. You were the  _ last person  _ I expected to throw away friends for a relationship.” 

“You don’t like him, so I  _ have  _ to get rid of him!” Toshiro buried his face into Gintoki’s chest. He curled his fingers into Gintoki’s yukata, crying his heart out. He didn’t want to have to throw Yamazaki away. But if it was what Gintoki wanted… 

Gintoki grabbed Toshiro by the shoulders and pushed him away. “Hijikata. If you think… that being in a relationship with me… means that I don’t want you to have any friends… Then no. I  _ don’t  _ want to be your boyfriend. I don’t want to be with someone who treats me like I’m going to control them. I don’t dislike Jimmy-kun. We get along well; he pays for my drinks every time we see each other. What I  _ don’t  _ like is the way he looks at you. But he’s your friend, and he was your friend before you ever knew of my existence, Hijikata. I  _ don’t  _ want you throwing him away like he never meant anything to you in the first place. If that’s the kind of relationship you would expect with me, then I’m sorry, but I have to tell you that I’m no longer interested in being with you.” 

Toshiro’s tears came harder. “Then what do I  _ do,  _ Gintoki?! What do you  _ expect  _ from me?! Am I supposed to just… I don’t know, not talk about him to you or somethin’?!”

Gintoki stroked Toshiro’s hair gently as he pulled him in close. “I expect you to still be his _ friend _ , and not treat him any differently because of me. Hijikata… You really don’t understand people at all, do you?” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but shake his head. It was true; Kondo had told him he was socially awkward, and didn’t do people too well. That was why he always relied on Yamazaki to help him with his social interactions, and Kondo tended to bail him out of trouble when he misread a situation and unintentionally caused aggravation. 

“You have no idea how to differentiate proper social relationships from your past.” Gintoki wrapped his arms tighter around Toshiro and held him close. “You think everything is supposed to be abusive in some form - and Souichiro-kun reinforces that. Anyone else would have left. But you stay…” 

Toshiro sniffed. “I’d rather be hit than be raped all the time…” 

“You think hitting is acceptable? You think, as long as you aren’t being raped, that it’s  _ okay  _ for someone to lay their hands on you?” Gintoki’s eyes burned with anger. “Hijikata-kun… Let me make one thing very clear… If you want me to be your boyfriend, here’s a few ground rules. I do  _ not  _ touch you with  _ any  _ intention of harm. I do  _ not  _ force you into anything you don’t want. And if you don’t want something -  _ especially  _ sex - you say  _ no _ . You say no, and I  _ mean  _ it, Hijikata. Or else this relationship will never work.” 

Toshiro lifted his head from Gintoki’s shoulder to look at him with pained eyes. “You really… will let me say no to sex…?” 

“You’re a cop; how can it be okay to rape  _ you  _ but no one else?” 

“I thought I was just bein’ demandin’ last night…” Toshiro whispered ashamedly. He ducked his head again. 

“All that mayonnaise has gone to your head.  _ Of course  _ you have the right to tell me you don’t want sex!” Gintoki sighed. “Hijikata-kun… I  _ want _ to be your boyfriend. But you have to trust me when I tell you that I’m not like your past, and I don’t want to be treated like I am. You  _ need  _ to communicate with me when I’m hurting or upsetting you or making you feel uncomfortable. Or else I just… We can’t be together.” 

Toshiro frowned down at his lap for a few moments as he considered, until finally, he looked up again and whispered, “And I get to keep my friend…?” 

“Yes.” 

Toshiro gave a faint smile. There was visible relaxation in his body language now. “Okay. I can try this. But please don’t tell anyone, Gintoki; I don’t want Sougo findin’ out…” 

“No one will know,” Gintoki promised. He leant in for a gentle kiss, just a soft press of their lips together, but it was enough for them. They broke apart, and Gintoki smiled so gently as he pressed their foreheads together in contentment. “No one will ever know. I promise.” 

Toshiro flinched at the hand that came to rest on his hip. “Gintoki…” 

Gintoki pulled away, gauging Toshiro’s reactions to him. “Yes?” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but back away slightly. He clutched the blankets of the bed and frowned at his lap. “I don’t… I’m sorry that you’ll expect sex from me, but I can’t give it to you… Not yet… I don’t… I’ve never had someone touch me kindly in a sexual way, so… Be patient with me, please… It’s a lot to learn to get used to…” 

Gintoki kissed Toshiro’s forehead again. “I understand. Tell me if I ever touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I’ll stop right away.” 

Toshiro wrapped his arms around himself. “And I just… I don’t know if we could be in the same bed just yet… I only share with Zaki; anyone else… It’s too much for me. Please don’t take it personally if I get scared.” 

Gintoki reached out to take Toshiro’s hand and squeeze it. “You’re communicating with me your needs, and that’s all I expect from you at this stage, Hijikata. I think… we should just spend this time getting to know each other. We don’t have to have sex. It’s okay.”

Toshiro… just couldn’t understand why those words made him cry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Chapter 1/Chapter 1

“I promised the Yorozuya money in exchange for a place to stay.” Kondo folded his arms against his chest contemplatively as he looked at Toshiro, the two of them seated in his office and away from prying ears. “But he saw right through me. He knew I needed his help in supervising Sougo. Have you been talking to Gintoki?” 

Toshiro frowned. The last thing he wanted to do was reveal to Kondo just how close he’d been getting to Gintoki. “Not too much. What did he say?” 

“Well, he wanted us to pay his rent in return, but he settled for a lump sum. I think he understands how desperate I am to have gone to him for this.” 

Toshiro wondered how recently Kondo had organised things with Gintoki as Gintoki hadn’t said anything to him about it. But Toshiro didn’t want Kondo getting suspicious, so he moved the topic to safer grounds. “Where’s Sougo now?” 

“He’s with Yamazaki. Zaki said he’s hiding in the bedroom again and won’t come out.” 

Toshiro felt sick at the frustration brewing in his stomach again. He clenched his hands, trying to keep his emotions in check. “You need to get him in to see someone, Kondo-san. He’s gettin’ worse and worse.” 

“I’ve got him on a waiting list, but don’t say anything to him; he doesn’t know.” Kondo closed his notebook to give Toshiro his full attention. “He’s going to throw the biggest fit when I tell him…” 

“He needs to go,” Toshiro muttered. “I can’t keep up with him anymore…”

Kondo hummed in agreement. “I’ve got him in to see the psychologist Zaki sees. They’ve helped Zaki a lot, so they might be able to help Sougo, too.” 

“Yeah, but Zaki  _ wanted  _ to be helped. Sougo  _ doesn’t _ . Zaki didn’t yell and scream like Sougo is goin’ to! Zaki  _ begged  _ me to go with him ‘cause he knew he’d be too scared to go on his own!”

“If Sougo won’t go, I don’t know what else to do with him,” Kondo admitted. “Someone told me he needs to be hospitalised in a psychiatric hospital, but I don’t have the heart to do that to him…”

“Do you think that’s what he needs, Kondo-san?” Toshiro didn’t know why he felt so sad to ask the question. 

“To be honest with you, Toshi, I just don’t know anymore,” Kondo whispered. “Part of me… thinks that’s what he needs… But the other part of me… He’s just a scared kid who needs help.” 

Toshiro was silent for so long, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get the words out. “...But don’t you think… he’s  _ too  _ far gone? Look at what he  _ did,  _ Kondo… Regardless of what he’s been through, he… He tried to burn me  _ alive,  _ while I was  _ sleeping _ !” 

Kondo dropped his face into his hands. He shook his head. Toshiro wondered if he had just imagined the sob he thought he’d heard. “I’m sorry, Toshi… I really am… But I just don’t know what to  _ do _ …!” 

Toshiro closed his eyes. He had no idea how to respond. All he could do was turn around and leave the office in silence, but no amount of paperwork he immersed himself in was able to make him forget all the pain in his mind. 

***

Toshiro didn’t know how long he’d waited in the police cruiser, but when Kondo finally marched Sougo out of Yamazaki’s home and to the cruiser, Toshiro had almost fallen asleep. He wasn’t feeling well at all, and his breathing felt more difficult than it had been since the fire. 

But if Toshiro wanted to sleep, he couldn’t - not when Kondo was yelling at Sougo, and Sougo was shouting back like the spoiled brat that he was. Toshiro groaned. His head was already throbbing, and he didn’t have the energy to deal with Sougo. He considered getting out of the car and staying with Yamazaki to have a sleep, but he decided against it; while Yamazaki would leave him alone if told to, he’d still have to put up with Sougo eventually, and at least if he were at Gintoki’s, he could lock himself away somewhere and sleep, hopefully for the rest of the day. 

Toshiro growled to himself when Sougo got into the backseat of the cruiser, still shouting. He didn’t say anything; he just curled into a tighter ball than he already was, wincing at the ache in his head that grew worse with every second. 

But even minding his own business was apparently a slight against Sougo, because Sougo reached out and yanked Toshiro’s hair so hard, Toshiro yelped as it was ripped from his head. “Fuck you, Sougo!” 

“Sougo!” Kondo roared. He leant around the driver’s seat to glare at Sougo. “Whatever’s going on with you, I don’t like it!  _ Stop it _ !” 

“No, tell  _ him  _ to stop it!” Sougo screamed back. “Tell him to go die! I  _ hate  _ him!” 

“Sougo!” Kondo’s agitation wasn’t held back in the slightest, and Toshiro could only wonder what had happened inside for Kondo to be so angry. “I’ve about had enough of you for one day!” 

“Then why haven’t you gotten rid of me yet?!” Sougo screamed. “Stop playing games with me! You hate me, but you still made me get out of Zaki’s bed and get in the car! I wasn’t bothering  _ anyone _ , and you made me come out and you  _ hate  _ me for it!” 

“That’s not true!” Kondo snapped. “I  _ don’t  _ hate you!” 

Toshiro slowly pulled his knees to his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and whined at the pressure in his head. The shouting wasn’t going to stop, and Toshiro was sure his head was going to explode. 

***

It was uncomfortable to see the way people stared curiously at their police cruiser as Kondo reversed it neatly to sit in the gap of the two buildings, out of everyone’s way. Toshiro supposed it wasn’t the plainest of looks to see a police cruiser parking next to an alcoholic snack bar; people probably wondered if they were there on business. 

Kondo turned the car off, and Toshiro got out to open the trunk of the car and take his cardboard box into his arms. He ignored Sougo coming to join him - at least, he did, until Sougo slapped the box out of his arms and into the dirt beneath their feet. 

“Sougo!” Toshiro snapped. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and slapping Sougo across the head. “Fuck you!”

Sougo sneered. He reached into the trunk to take his own box. Without a word, he turned and left, heading up the rickety staircase and leaving Toshiro and Kondo behind. 

“Let me get it for you, Toshi.” Kondo was on his knees and gathering up Toshiro’s scattered items without hesitation. He returned them all to the cardboard box before he murmured, “I don’t know what to  _ do,  _ Toshi… Is there even anything we  _ can  _ do…?” 

Toshiro shrugged. Coldly, he murmured, “Too late now. You had  _ years  _ to help him get his shit together…” 

“Toshi…” But Kondo couldn’t argue; they both knew it was nothing but the truth. 

Toshiro couldn’t help but give a bitter sniff. “You put more effort into helpin’  _ Yamazaki  _ than you did Sougo. Don’t fuckin’ bitch to me now.” 

Maybe it was just the headache agitating Toshiro. Maybe it was the stress. Maybe Toshiro was just growing fed up with Sougo’s antics, and the way Kondo had always enabled him. But no matter how true Toshiro knew his words were, he still couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt for saying them. 

Toshiro stopped on the first step of the staircase. “Sorry…” 

Kondo frowned. He just shook his head and turned his back to sort through his own belongings in the trunk. 

Toshiro climbed the staircase, muttering to himself with disdain as he did so. He reached the top of the balcony, just in time to hear Sougo bitching to the Yorozuya. Toshiro couldn’t keep the scowl from his face as he spat back. “Yeah, like I’m happy ‘bout it either, Sougo. This is  _ your  _ fault we’re here, you little shit, so don’t complain!” 

Sougo bared his teeth viciously at Toshiro, but Toshiro couldn’t bring himself to care. “Too bad I woke you up screaming when I caught fire that night or else you might have made a tasty roast in your bed…” 

Toshiro’s skin prickled as fiery memories played through his mind. His heart started to race, and Toshiro was sure the trauma was what made it impossible for him to keep calm any longer. Despite the coughs that plagued him for raising his voice, he snapped, “And I regret throwing water on you and putting the fire out! I should have let you burn!” 

“ _ I hate you _ !” Sougo screamed. “I’d rather live with Yamazaki than with  _ you _ ! At least  _ he  _ leaves me alone when I tell him to fuck off!” 

“Go live with him, Sougo! I couldn’t fuckin’ care less!” Toshiro forced back tears at how much pain was radiating in his lungs now, and how horrible his head felt. 

“I will! I’ll make him sleep on the sofa and keep his bedroom for myself and lock the door so he can’t come in!” Sougo threatened. “And if he tries, I’ll fucking kill him!” 

“You touch my friend and I’ll end you, Sougo,” Toshiro snarled. “I can’t fuckin’  _ stand  _ the way you treat him when he’s never done  _ anythin’  _ to you.” 

“I’m gonna go live with him and if he tries to ask me to get out of the futon one more time, I’m gonna break his fucking jaw,” Sougo hissed. “I don’t want to live here with these bastards. I’d rather live with him.” 

Toshiro didn’t get a chance to reply, because Kondo had joined them, and if he’d overheard the bickering, Toshiro wasn’t sure; Kondo always seemed angry with Sougo these days. “Sougo. If you hadn’t burnt our house down, we wouldn’t  _ have  _ to live here, would we? Leave your attitude at the door; I  _ don’t  _ want to hear you complaining about this.” 

Sougo sighed. He seemed defeated now, and Toshiro couldn’t help but welcome it. “Where’s my room? I don’t want to have to look at stupid Hijikata-san for more than I have to.” 

“Yeah, where’s my room as well? The feeling’s mutual,” Toshiro growled. When Gintoki did nothing but point to a shoji without specifying who the room was for, he couldn’t help but feel himself start to break down. He stomped his foot, not caring in the least how childish it made him appear. “That’s not funny! Whose room is it?!” 

Kondo grabbed Toshiro’s shoulder. Toshiro recognised the pleading in him. “Well, uh, since this is only an apartment, there’s not many rooms, so you and Sougo are going to have to share, Toshi.” 

For the first time in his life, Toshiro felt like hitting Kondo. “So you put me in a room with the bastard who burnt our house down ‘cause he set my bed on fire with  _ me  _ in it?! I’d rather share a room with the Yorozuya bastard!” 

Sougo shoved past Toshiro with enough force to almost knock him to the ground. He called over his shoulder in a dark tone as he headed for the bedroom - presumably to try and take over it, Toshiro figured. “I’d rather you share a room with him as well, Hijikata-san. It might be better for your health; I’m sure  _ he  _ won’t try and slit your throat as you sleep.” 

Toshiro didn’t even know what he was shaking from. It could have been pain; his head felt like it was splitting into quarters, his lungs ached angrily, and his flesh still throbbed from incredible pressure beneath all the burns. It could have been stress; Toshiro felt like he was off his head, and for the first time in his life, he was starting to sympathise with Yamazaki’s past; if stress had been what had led him down that track, well… 

But more than anything, Toshiro was sure it was because all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry, cry, sob and scream and shout and  _ feel  _ until there was nothing left but emptiness. 

But Toshiro couldn’t do that. He ignored Kondo begging Gintoki to share his room so he could instead venture out onto the balcony and take the corner furthest away from everyone. For the first time since the fire, he pulled his carton of smokes out of his pocket and lit one. 

Toshiro wasn’t supposed to be smoking. The nurses had already spoken sternly about how serious it was for him to quit. But all Toshiro could think about was how lucky he would be if his lungs  _ did  _ finally quit on him, because at least then he could stop feeling so horrible. 

***

Toshiro wondered what exactly he had done for the Gods to hate him so much. He didn’t understand what he had done to Sougo to make him hate him so much. He couldn’t wrap his head around it, but trying to understand only caused an ache in his heart that made him want to curl into a ball and cry. 

“I’m not hungry. I only came out to see if Hijikata-san decides to throw himself off the balcony.” 

Toshiro wished Kondo had left Sougo in the bedroom instead of coaxing him out for dinner. He wished he was still at work, where he only had to deal with strangers screaming and cussing at him. 

He wished, more than anything, that someone would stand up to Sougo for him. 

Toshiro drew another cigarette and put it in his mouth, not knowing how else to cope with the situation. He pulled his lighter out and flicked the cap up, lighting the flame. He looked at Sougo when he heard the other give a slight gasp. The look of pure fear on Sougo’s face was enough for Toshiro to forget how hurt he was and instead worry about Sougo. “Oi, Sougo…?” 

But Toshiro’s concern was misplaced, and the hurt became even more prominent when Sougo lashed out at him and shoved him  _ hard _ . “Don’t light those stupid things when you’re around me, Hijikata! I was on  _ fire _ !” 

“Yeah, because you were stupid enough to catch yourself on the flames and spread it, you idiot!” Toshiro thumped Sougo on the head. “You think  _ you’re  _ upset because of it?! I had to put you out and  _ drag you  _ outside! And guess who almost died from smoke inhalation?! Not  _ Sougo _ !” 

Sougo bared his teeth, but when he replied, he was so calm, Toshiro couldn’t help but feel frightened of what Sougo might do next. “I wish it  _ had  _ been me. Because if it had been, I wouldn’t have dragged you out. I would have left you there and maybe Kondo-san would love me again if you had just  _ died _ .” 

Toshiro flinched. His eyes watered, and no amount of strength could stop it. His voice quavered as he muttered, “I wish I’d died, too, Sougo… Because at least then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” 

Sougo seemed too stunned to know how to respond. He turned and left, and once the shoji slid closed again, Toshiro also got to his feet to return to the balcony. He heard someone get up and follow him outside. He assumed it would be Kondo, but when Gintoki stopped at the railing beside him, Toshiro wished he was a stronger person so he could stop crying. 

“It’s true,” Toshiro whispered. “I really wish I’d just died, Gintoki…” 

Gintoki wrapped his arm around Toshiro’s waist and held him close. He dropped his head onto Toshiro’s, looking up at the sky. “I’m glad you didn’t. I’m going to kick Souichiro-kun’s ass for saying that shit to you.” 

Toshiro shook his head. He wanted so badly to tell Gintoki to just leave it, forget it, and Sougo was never going to change. Instead, all he could find the strength for was to murmur, “His name’s Sougo, moron.” 

Gintoki smiled. He pressed his lips to Toshiro’s temple. “You know you can sleep with me if you really want to. I wouldn’t want to have to share a room with  _ that,  _ either.” 

Toshiro shook his head. “I can’t… Then everyone will know…” 

“Is there really anything wrong with that, though?” Gintoki quizzed. 

“Yes…” Toshiro’s voice cracked, and his eyes filled with fresh tears. “They’ll know… They’ll know…” 

“Know what?” 

Toshiro sucked in a sharp, panicked breath. He shook his head erratically, feeling himself shaking once more. “Please, Gintoki… Please… Just…  _ Please _ …!” 

“Is it really such a bad thing for people to know how we feel towards each other?” Gintoki turned around to face Toshiro. He brushed bangs from Toshiro’s eyes and smiled gently. “Because I guarantee you, the only person who  _ maybe  _ will give a shit is Souichiro-kun. And honestly… I don’t think he would even care with how busy he is loathing the world already.” 

“Please…” Toshiro whispered. There was so much pain in his eyes, Gintoki couldn’t help but feel his heart break. “Just…  _ Please _ … I’ll sleep with Sougo. It’s fine. I’m used to it. It’s  _ fine _ .” 

“It’s not fine,” Gintoki pointed out. “It’s not healthy for you to think it is, either.”

“It’s  _ fine _ !” Toshiro couldn’t help but snap. He crumpled in on himself, his chest heaving as he started sobbing heavily. “It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine!”

Toshiro couldn’t stop the breakdown. There was just no energy left for him to do so. He cried and he sobbed and he stayed curled up in Gintoki’s arms until the tears dried up, and he retreated to his new room, unable to bear for Gintoki to see him like that any longer. 

Toshiro hoped the tears in his eyes weren’t obvious as he opened the shoji and stepped into the room. 

“Sougo…?” Toshiro couldn’t stop the nervousness seeping into his tone; if Sougo were to start another fight, Toshiro wasn’t sure he would be able to cope. “I’m goin’ to put my stuff away. Do you want me to put yours away as well?” 

Sougo ignored Toshiro, and Toshiro couldn’t help but feel the stress climbing once more. 

“Sougo? Did you hear me?” 

“I heard you, stupid Hijikata-san. When are you going to drown yourself?” Toshiro wanted to cry at the loathing Sougo glared at him with. “I can do it for you if you need help.” 

Toshiro sighed. He didn’t retaliate; he wasn’t sure he even had the energy left to care about what Sougo was saying to him. “What side of the closet do you want? We’re goin’ to have to share it.” 

“All of it. Go away. Get your own room.” 

“You know I can’t.” Toshiro’s eyes settled on the burns that still hadn’t healed on Sougo’s hands. Nausea swum in his stomach. He had no heart to agitate Sougo further, so he murmured, “I’m takin’ the left side of it.” 

Sougo sighed. “Hijikata-san, why are you putting anything away? We have nothing left anyway. All you’re doing is reminding yourself of that when you open the closet door and get to decide from all four sets of clothing you own.” 

“If you didn’t -” Toshiro reigned in the anger and cut himself off. He shook his head. It wasn’t worth yelling at Sougo for something he already knew. “...” 

“I’m just leaving my stuff in my box. The two sets of clothing I have left and my - Hijikata-san?” 

Toshiro clawed at his throat desperately when the coughing fit had come on so fast, it had doubled him over onto his knees. He lowered one hand, clawing at his chest, suffocating on the hoarse coughs he was sure were ripping his lungs apart. Tears leaked past his eyelids that were scrunched tightly shut. He tried desperately to draw air into his lungs, but he couldn’t breathe past the thick phlegm he started coughing up onto the floorboards. He cracked one eyelid open to see what he was coughing up, but his vision was fading too rapidly for him to make out anything apart from the droplets of black by his knees. 

Toshiro could hear Sougo screaming. He didn’t care anymore; his head throbbed agonisingly, and his vision faded out completely. He stopped hearing past the ringing overwhelming his ears. He felt someone pull him into their arms, and just like that, he lost consciousness. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Break of Dawn Chapter 4

Toshiro wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so sick in his life. He tugged his uniform jacket tighter around his body to try and fight off the chills, but it was no good; even with the heater turned up, he still felt like he was in the Antarctic. 

“Vice-Commander, you really don’t look good.” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but glare at Harada, but he was so ill, there was nothing threatening about him at all. He reached out to take the report Harada was holding. “I had  _ no  _ idea, Harada.” 

“Why don’t you go home?” Harada frowned at how pale Toshiro was. “You look like death warmed up.” 

“No, ‘cause then I gotta put up with Sougo,” Toshiro muttered. “I’m fine here.” 

Harada caught sight of the bloodied tissues littering Toshiro’s desk. “If you’re coughing up blood and black phlegm, I really don’t think you’re well at all. Have you seen the doctor?” 

Toshiro shook his head. “It’s fine. It’s just bronchitis. It’ll go away.” 

Harada looked like he wanted to argue. Instead, he murmured, “Okita really did all that…” 

Toshiro tensed. He couldn’t help but be defensive. “What about it.” 

“The Commander really let Okita spiral to this point. And even now he’s  _ still  _ protecting him.” 

“I don’t think it’s anyone’s business but our own what’s goin’ on with Sougo,'' Toshiro growled. “It’s not  _ you  _ who’s sufferin’, Harada.”

“...”

Toshiro closed his eyes, unable to keep it to himself anymore. “...I told Kondo…  _ so many times _ … Sougo needed help. I know Kondo was tryin’ to be kind and not hurt him… But Kondo should have done somethin’ years ago…” 

“Do you resent them for what’s happened?” Harada wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer. 

“...I… No…” Toshiro sighed. He dropped his face into his hands. “Maybe I’m just as much an enabler as Kondo…” 

“You’re not,” Harada promised. “You’re the only one who  _ tries  _ to get him into line. But I gotta warn you, Vice-Commander… People here aren’t happy with Okita. There’s talk going around.”

“What kind of talk?” 

“The bad kind.” Harada weighed his words carefully. “Yamazaki‘s told us what he’s heard. I’d watch Okita if I were you. People might just try and take matters into their own hands.” 

Toshiro’s grip on his pen tightened so much, it snapped in two. “If  _ anyone  _ \- and I mean  _ anyone  _ \- lays one fuckin’ hand on Sougo, I’m dealin’ with ‘em personally.” 

“Keep your eyes peeled,” Harada warned. “Okita’s a bastard, but I wouldn’t want to see someone hurt him. He’s just a kid.” 

Toshiro coughed up a lung before he replied. “Thanks for tellin’ me. Sougo isn’t gonna be comin’ back to work for a long time. I’ll keep an eye on things here and see who says what.” 

Harada left Toshiro with the report. Toshiro returned to his paperwork, trying his best to pretend he didn’t feel like he was dying and he  _ really  _ should be going home. Toshiro wasn’t going to go home. Not with Sougo there. Not when Toshiro was already suffering from worsening bronchitis. All he wanted to do was stay in his office and catch up on his paperwork. He’d leave the fieldwork to the others; he could do that much. 

Toshiro finished up with the paperwork he was going over. He filed it and moved on to the report Yamazaki had given him that morning about his overnight stakeout on a suspected weapons dealer. He opened it, but he quickly shut it again when he was confronted with the usual essay that had somehow drifted off into obsessive words repeated over and over again for the remainder of the pages. He groaned in frustration and threw his report to the floor, trying not to entertain the idea of punching Yamazaki in the head for not handing in what he was supposed to  _ again _ .

Toshiro pinched the bridge of his nose and grimaced. His throat was really hurting, and he felt like he was going to vomit. Briefly, he weighed the pros and cons of going home and putting up with Sougo instead. A few stray tears rolled down his cheeks at just how bad he was feeling physically. He thought about taking more painkillers for his headache, but he’d already taken more than he was supposed to that morning, and they hadn’t worked at all. 

Toshiro rubbed at his face, wondering if he should send Yamazaki out to the pharmacy for anything that might help even in the slightest. But before he could make a decision on it, his office door was kicked open, and Toshiro almost fell off his chair in fright.

“Oi, stupid Hijikata.” Toshiro winced at Sougo’s voice. His heart started to race, and the familiar grips of panic took over him. Toshiro couldn’t help but yell when something was thrown at his head and hit him with a hard thud. “Give that to Kondo-san, will you?” 

Toshiro leant down to pick up the wallet that had been thrown at him. He glared, and when he replied, it was in a strained manner from just how restricted his chest felt. “He’s not here; he’s out on a call.” 

Sougo looked like he couldn’t have cared less. He sat down on the chair, looking like he owned the place as he threw out the usual demands. “Can you take me back to the Yorozuya’s? Sakata-san gave me a ride but now he probably won’t come back and get me and I don’t wanna have to walk or get a ride from anyone else.” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but display his hurt. He quickly hid it behind a look of disapproval, but it was too late; he knew Sougo had seen it. His mutter was quiet. “Is that all I’m good for, Sougo? Givin’ you whatever you ask for until - Never mind. Forget it.” 

But Toshiro should have known better, because once Sougo latched on, he didn’t let go. Sougo stared at the bloodied tissues on the desk and snarked. “You’re not meant to be getting yourself off in work hours, Hijikata; I could have walked in on you with your hand in your -” 

Toshiro hadn’t moved much since the fire. He  _ couldn’t _ . There was a never-ending agony in his body, and it slowed him down. But here and now, he moved the quickest he had since the fire, and he punched Sougo in the head. His mind raced with old memories he couldn’t stand to think about. He tried to yell, but the coughs overcame him. He reached for the box of tissues, but the damage had been done; Toshiro couldn’t stop shaking as he remembered all too vividly the ghostly touches that haunted his dreams at night. 

Sougo stood and waved casually, like Toshiro  _ wasn’t  _ dying in front of his eyes. “I’ll be outside. Either hurry up and die, or hurry up and take me back. I don’t care which.” 

Toshiro couldn’t have been more relieved for the door to close behind Sougo’s departure. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he crumpled in on himself. He’d never felt so bad in his life, and now that the memories were in his mind, he couldn’t get rid of them. He considered calling Gintoki, but Gintoki didn’t need to hear about his problems - they were pitiful, and no one else deserved to be burdened with such petty problems. 

But Toshiro couldn’t stop crying, not until his phone rang, and one of his subordinates called in with a report. He wiped the tears away and forced himself to calm down before he answered the call, giving a deceivingly good impression that everything was just fine as he gave his subordinate orders. 

Toshiro ended the call, and with a deep breath, he forced himself out of his office, knowing that the sooner he could take Sougo home, the better. 

The long walk down the corridor was draining, but still, Toshiro managed to make it out to the parking lot. He opened the door, just in time to be met with Sougo’s sneering face, and Yamazaki’s tear-filled eyes. 

“I should go…” Yamazaki whispered. Toshiro wasn’t sure he’d seen him look so distressed in a long time. “I’ll… I’ll be somewhere, Vice-Commander…” 

“Yamazaki?” Toshiro reached out for Yamazaki’s hand, but Yamazaki was gone, like he couldn’t have gotten away any quicker if he’d tried. Toshiro looked back at Sougo, distrusting; if Sougo had turned his vicious habits onto Yamazaki next, he’d…! “What were you two chatting about for Yamazaki of all people to look like a beaten dog?” 

“Nothing. Just another fool who thinks they know me.” Sougo moved towards the police cruisers, like he couldn’t wait to leave. “Which car have you got? Stupid Hijikata…” 

Toshiro sighed. He pulled the car fob from his pocket and unlocked one of the cruisers on the other side of the parking lot. He said nothing; not until they had gotten into the car and left the lot. 

“When are you goin’ to cut this shit out, Sougo…?” Toshiro was powerless to keep the exhaustion from his voice. 

“Cut what out?” Sougo locked his eyes on Toshiro. He was the very picture of innocence, and Toshiro wanted to hit him for it. 

Toshiro waved his hand in the air as he stopped the car for a red light. “This. That.  _ Everythin’ _ . Actin’ like your only purpose in life is to make everyone feel like you resent them.” 

“But I  _ do  _ resent you, Hijikata-san. I’m doing a good job if that’s how you feel.” Sougo held Toshiro’s eyes with a challenging glare. “I resent you with every fibre of my existence, and I won’t be happy until you die.” 

Toshiro would never have words to explain just how much that hurt him. He couldn’t speak past the lump in his throat; all his energy was spent on holding back tears. But when he finally replied, he could only murmur, “And despite it all, I’ve never once hated you, Sougo… Not once… But you can’t help some people.” 

“You’re a liar.” Sougo narrowed his eyes at Toshiro. 

Toshiro finally glanced back at Sougo. The haunted look in his eyes was becoming more and more prominent these days, but he couldn’t care; there was too much pain in his life to bother trying to hide it anymore. “Well, that’s what I’ll be sayin’ on your court date, Sougo. So take it however you will.” 

Sougo’s attention turned to the peeling burns that covered his knuckles. “And in my hearing, I’ll be sure everyone knows about  _ you  _ and the secrets you hide. They’ll all know why I can’t stand you, Hijikata. So say whatever you like about me; everyone’s going to know about your darkest secret.” 

Toshiro couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. He said nothing for the rest of the car ride, not even once he’d stopped the cruiser outside of Otose’s Snack Bar. He couldn’t have felt more relieved for the car door to have been slammed shut, because as soon as Sougo was gone, he drove down the road to pull off to the side and cry. 

Toshiro put the car into park and raised the handbrake before he pulled his phone from his pocket. He dialled for Yamazaki, waiting for the call to be answered before he sobbed, “Zaki, I can’t deal with this…! I-I  _ can’t _ …! It’s killin’ me!” 

Toshiro recognised Yamazaki to have been crying when he answered the call, but still, just like every time, he did his best to be there for Toshiro. “What happened?” 

“He’s threatenin’ to tell everyone about me - all ‘cause I told him I would stand up for him durin’ the hearin’!” Toshiro scratched at his face. “I can’t do this shit, Zaki…! I can’t! I can’t!” 

Yamazaki tried to be supportive, but it was hard when they were on the phone, and his emotional state had taken its own blow earlier. Toshiro cried to him, opening up to him, until all they could do was cry together until there was nothing left. 

***

Toshiro was hesitant to slide back the shoji and step into Gintoki’s apartment. He hoped it wasn’t obvious he had been crying, but he knew that just one look at him would tell tales. 

“Hijikata, are you okay?” Gintoki peered at Toshiro with concern. He’d been writing something into his diary at his desk, but he got up and approached Toshiro when Toshiro hiccupped. He put one hand on Toshiro’s shoulder and took his chin between two fingers to peer closely at him. “Did something happen?” 

Toshiro wished he could tell Gintoki. He wished he could ask for advice. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t supposed to tell people his problems. He shouldn’t tell Kondo. He shouldn’t tell Yamazaki. Toshiro was supposed to keep everything to himself, especially when it came to Gintoki, because Gintoki wouldn’t want to be burdened with his problems. Gintoki would leave him, yell at him, smack him around and maybe even rape him as punishment if he dared try to share his problems with Gintoki. 

Toshiro shook his head. He pulled away from Gintoki’s touch. His eyes lowered, and he was acutely aware of the way Gintoki’s eyes seemed to see through him. “M’fine…”

“No, you’re not.” Gintoki reached out to cup Toshiro’s face. “What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

“I said I’m fine!” Toshiro snapped. He jerked away from Gintoki’s touch as if it had burned him. “Fuck off!” 

Gintoki removed his hand, but he didn’t leave. When he spoke, it was in a firm voice that made Toshiro suddenly fear his own temper; had he just pissed Gintoki off…? “You’re not fine. If you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong, that’s okay, Hijikata. But I’m worried about you, and you need to understand that you can tell me anything that’s hurting you, Hijikata. I’m here to  _ help  _ you, but I’m not going to let you snap at me like that. You need to understand that it’s  _ okay  _ to open up, Hijikata. You’re  _ safe _ . I’m not going to  _ hurt you  _ for feeling emotion. It’s  _ okay _ .”

Toshiro shook his head. His eyes welled with fresh tears. His lip quivered, and his throat felt too tight to speak. “Gintoki… I-I  _ can’t _ …!” 

Gintoki put his hand in Toshiro’s hair. He offered a smile. “Well, I’m always here if you change your mind. I  _ do  _ love you, Hijikata.” 

Toshiro choked on a sob. He shook his head and grit his teeth. He could feel his shoulders shaking with the effort of trying to stay calm. “Stop it! Stop sayin’ such stupid things!” 

“I  _ won’t  _ stop,” Gintoki murmured. He reached out slowly for Toshiro, gauging his reactions, until finally, he’d pulled him into his arms and held him tight. “I  _ love  _ you, Hijikata. I get why you’re struggling, and that’s okay; I  _ love  _ you.” 

“Shut up!” Toshiro yelled weakly. He reached up to slap his hands over his ears and shake his head. “Shut up!”

Gintoki carefully peeled Toshiro’s hands away from his ears. He offered a sad smile. “You really  _ don’t  _ know what to do with kindness, do you, Hijikata? You don’t know how to accept it… You  _ can’t  _ accept it. Because the idea of someone actually loving you… You just don’t understand you  _ do  _ deserve to be loved.”

“Fuck you…!” Toshiro sobbed. “Fuck you…!” 

“Hijikata…” Gintoki cupped Toshiro’s face and smiled at him. “You  _ do  _ deserve to be loved. You  _ do  _ deserve kindness and affection. If you could just trust me… I could help you understand what it feels like to be loved.” 

Toshiro shook his head. He pushed weakly at Gintoki’s chest to get him away. Rivers streamed down his cheeks as he resorted to begging. “Stop it! Stop it! Just please,  _ stop it _ !” 

Gintoki wrapped Toshiro up in his arms and held him tight. For the last time, he whispered, “I love you” to Toshiro before he fell silent and just held Toshiro through his tears. And when Toshiro finally stopped crying, he couldn’t help but curl into Gintoki’s chest and soak in his warmth as exhaustion took over him. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twilight - Unique Chapter

“Toshi, I’m going out for a while. I’m going to take Sougo with me.” Kondo smiled at Toshiro as Toshiro closed the book he had been reading and placed it on his lap. “Do you need me to get anything for you while we’re out?” 

“Painkillers.” Toshiro pushed back the blankets of the futon so he could stand and stretch his sore muscles. “How long are you gonna be, Kondo-san?”

“Few hours. Sougo’s going to help me with some errands.” Kondo offered a smile. “We’ll be back soon, okay? Call me if you need anything.” 

Toshiro winced as one of his burns on his hip pulled with his stretch. He closed his eyes and nodded, hoping Kondo hadn’t noticed. He waited for the shoji to slide shut before he laid down on the futon again and hissed in pain. 

Gintoki appeared almost immediately after the front shoji had slid closed behind Kondo and Sougo, and Toshiro didn’t know why that sent a jolt of panic through him. 

“Mind if I join you? Been waiting forever for them to leave.” Gintoki stayed by the shoji, waiting for permission before moving forward. 

Toshiro wanted to say no. He didn’t know why the idea of Gintoki coming closer to him while he was on the futon was so frightening, especially since he had been sharing with Sougo for the nights. He shuddered again at the thought - but he was _supposed_ to make Gintoki happy… 

“Okay…” Toshiro felt his heart race faster and faster with every step Gintoki took. He did his best to appear calm, but as soon as Gintoki lowered himself down onto the futon, he recoiled with a whine. Gintoki stayed where he was, watching Toshiro carefully. 

But Toshiro couldn’t calm down, and every second Gintoki spent so close to him made his heart race uncontrollably until he had fallen into a panic attack. Toshiro rolled away, taking the blankets with him to protect himself from Gintoki as memories flashed through his mind. His palms felt sweaty, his teeth clattered deafeningly in his own ears, and his body trembled so violently, he wondered if he were in the midst of a seizure. 

“Hijikata.” Gintoki didn’t reach for Toshiro. He kept his hands to himself, trying to bring him back with his voice. “Hijikata. It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re safe.” 

Gintoki’s words didn’t penetrate Toshiro’s mind until he felt like he was going to pass out from lightheadedness. Slowly, Toshiro calmed down, left only with sweat-soaked skin and soft hiccups as he watched Gintoki warily. Gintoki held his gaze, murmuring softly to him. 

“You’re safe,” Gintoki promised. “You’re safe, Hijikata. I love you. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re safe, and I love you.” 

Toshiro was the one to move closer, closer, until he was warily curling up against Gintoki’s chest and squeezing his eyes shut tight. He let out a single sob as he whispered, “Can I… have a hug…?” 

Gintoki didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Toshiro and hold him tight. He buried his face in Toshiro’s soft hair, admiring how soft and silky it was. He kissed the top of Toshiro’s head. “I love you, Hijikata. I love you, and you’re safe. You’re safe with me. I’ll never let anyone ever hurt you again. You’re safe, and I love you.” 

Toshiro relaxed. No matter how long it took, he relaxed. He closed his eyes, getting used to Gintoki’s warmth until finally, he felt comfortable enough to reach out and grip Gintoki’s yukata in a gentle grip. His body slowly relaxed, unfurling, until he was wrapped securely in Gintoki’s arms and pressed safely against his body. 

Toshiro opened his eyes and tilted his head back slightly to look up at Gintoki. “Gintoki…?” 

“Hmm?” Gintoki kissed Toshiro’s forehead. 

Toshiro’s cheeks reddened. He lowered his gaze. “...Can… I have a kiss…?” 

Gintoki cupped Toshiro’s cheek and pulled him into a soft, warm kiss. Toshiro hesitated to return the kiss, but when he did, he parted his lips slightly and let Gintoki’s tongue lap at his lips. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and trembled when a hand moved to cup his face. 

Toshiro broke the kiss and pulled away. He looked past Gintoki and wrapped his arms around himself before he murmured, “How do I… trust you to not hurt me…?” 

Gintoki cocked his head to the side. “I can’t give you an answer to that, Hijikata. You just have to learn to trust me at your own pace.” 

Toshiro hummed. He looked at his lap for a few moments, chewing at his lip before he whispered, “Can you touch me…?”

Gintoki nodded. He pulled Toshiro onto his lap and held him by the hips, smiling at him. “I love you.” 

Toshiro squeezed his eyes shut again. He whimpered and tensed when he felt a warm hand part his yukata and slip inside to caress his hip. He whined at the contact. Instinctively, he tried to back away and escape the touch. He shook his head. “...” 

Gintoki pulled his hand away as he leaned in to kiss Toshiro’s lips again. “It’s okay… It’s okay…” 

Toshiro took a deep breath when Gintoki replaced his hand on his hip. He nibbled at his lip, trying to force himself to relax into the touch. “Gintoki…” 

“Hmm?” Gintoki nuzzled Toshiro’s face. 

Toshiro hesitated before he reached down to push Gintoki’s hand away. “That’s enough…” 

Gintoki complied. He pulled away from Toshiro immediately, putting distance between them. Toshiro wondered if Gintoki knew how stressed he was, because he murmured, “I’ll make lunch.” 

Toshiro watched Gintoki go. He laid back down on the futon and returned his attention to his book, but he couldn’t read it for long as his phone beeped from beside him, and his attention was grabbed. He opened the text, finding that Yamazaki had asked if he could come over. 

_I will ask Gintoki,_ Toshiro typed back. He put his phone into his pocket and stood up from the futon. He thought it was strange that Yamazaki had asked for permission as he’d always just showed up on their doorstep whenever he’d felt like it. But still, Toshiro sought out Gintoki in the kitchen. 

Toshiro stood uncomfortably beside Gintoki, not sure if he was allowed to ask or not. He frowned and shifted uncomfortably as Gintoki fiddled with a stupid amount of cooking utensils. He cleared his throat and tried to pretend he wasn’t so nervous. “Zaki wants to come around…”

Gintoki hummed. “That’s nice.” 

“...” Toshiro’s frown grew. He shifted his weight between his feet. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so awkward. “...I… He can… right…?”

“Huh?” Gintoki turned to give Toshiro his full attention. 

Toshiro looked to his feet. “...I told him I’d ask you if it was okay…” 

“Hijikata…” Gintoki reached out to cup Toshiro’s face. He shook his head. “Hijikata, you don’t need to ask my permission for friends to visit you. You’re allowed to see your friends as much as you want to.” 

Toshiro bit his lip. He refused to raise his head. “...I wasn’t sure… Zaki never asked before either, and I…” 

“Hijikata, under no circumstances do you _or_ your friends need my permission to come here.” Gintoki smiled. He raised Toshiro’s head to kiss his forehead. “I just want you to be happy, okay? Your friends are always welcome.” 

Toshiro let out a sigh of relief. He nodded. He couldn’t make eye contact as he murmured, “I’ll let Zaki know…” 

Gintoki nodded. “I’ll make extra for him.” 

“Thanks…” Toshiro left the kitchen and sat on the sofa. He returned Yamazaki’s text, but no matter how long he sat and tried to wrap his head around it, he couldn’t even _begin_ to comprehend how it could possibly be okay for no permission to be needed for Yamazaki to visit. 

***

“What’s so good about To Love Ru anyway?” Gintoki waved his copy of Gintaman around in the air. “It’s just sexy girls and no real plotline. If I wanted sexy girls, I’d pull out my porn collection.”

Toshiro elbowed Gintoki in the ribs. “Shut up. To Love Ru is fuckin’ fantastic. ‘Least the art design is nice and doesn’t make me want to rip my eyes out like Gintaman does.” 

“But Gintaman is full of plot and action and are you forgetting about _dondake?”_ Gintoki pointed to the manga in Yamazaki’s hands. He sighed dramatically. “To Love Ru just doesn’t cut it for me. What’s so great about it, Jimmy-kun? Besides naked chicks.” 

Yamazaki’s cheeks went red. He shuffled nervously on the sofa, moving closer to Toshiro until their sides were pressed together. He ducked his head, staring at his lap as he gave a hesitant answer. “I like it because… I think it’s really interesting to see how their relationship plays out, and -” 

“- You just want a naked chick to fall in your lap, too, don’t you, Jimmy-kun?” 

Yamazaki’s entire face went red. He hid against Toshiro, giving no response. Toshiro rolled his eyes. “Don’t get him turned on, Gintoki; that’s the _last_ thing I want to deal with.” 

Gintoki chuckled. “I think he does a good enough job of that on his own.” 

Toshiro narrowed his eyes. He didn’t like the idea of standing up to Gintoki, but he also didn’t want Yamazaki being bullied - not when Yamazaki got bullied enough at work. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?!” 

Gintoki didn’t reply; he only kept his eyes locked on Yamazaki, nuzzling in close to Toshiro like a child seeking its mother’s comfort after a nightmare. Yamazaki felt the glare, and he dared peek at Gintoki. He swallowed thickly at the look on Gintoki’s face, looking away and slowly untangling himself from Toshiro. “S-sorry…” 

Toshiro noticed the sudden tension in the room. He looked between Yamazaki and Gintoki, noticing the look of possessiveness on his boyfriend’s face, and just how nervous and uncomfortable Yamazaki looked. He grabbed Yamazaki’s wrist and tugged him back close. He didn’t want to upset Gintoki, but he knew how vulnerable Yamazaki could be, and just how unable to advocate for himself he was. Even if it meant being smacked around a little, he would stand up to Gintoki for Yamazaki. “Oi, what are you doin’? It’s fine.” 

Yamazaki shook his head. He didn’t meet anyone’s eyes as he murmured, “No, it’s - I’m sorry - I forget and - I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes…” 

“Don’t be stupid; you’re not steppin’ on anyone’s toes.” Toshiro was confused by the sudden resistance he was met with when he tried pulling Yamazaki back against him. “C’mon; I’m used to you bein’ a fuckin’ octopus. It’s fine.” 

Yamazaki gave Gintoki another nervous look. “H-hijikata-san, I-I don’t think I should…” 

But Toshiro persisted in pulling at Yamazaki until Yamazaki burst into tears. Toshiro let go of him. “Zaki?” 

Yamazaki moved away from Toshiro, putting as much space between them as he could. He shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself uncomfortably. “Hijikata-san, I…” 

“Spit it out!” Toshiro snapped impatiently. 

Yamazaki took a deep breath before he whispered uncertainly. “I… don’t think Danna likes me cuddling with you…” 

“We aren’t fuckin’ doin’ anythin’ wrong!” Toshiro snapped. “‘Sides, you’re _straight_! What’s he gonna think you’ll do to me?” 

Gintoki grit his teeth. He moved closer to them so he could wrap his arms around Toshiro and pull him onto his lap. He glared at Yamazaki, squeezing his arms around Toshiro protectively. Yamazaki dropped his head and stared at his lap, wishing that he was a strong enough person to not need to always be so close to Toshiro, because he’d known as soon as Toshiro had told him Gintoki had said yes that Yamazaki’s insecure nature would cause problems. 

“I’m sorry, Danna…” Yamazaki whispered. “I won’t do it again… Please don’t be mad at Hijikata-san…” 

Gintoki leant across Toshiro to whisper into Yamazaki’s ear. Toshiro couldn’t hear what had been said, but the way Yamazaki’s eyes widened before filling with tears said enough. Toshiro elbowed at Gintoki again. “Oi! What’d you say to him, bastard?!” 

“It’s okay, Hijikata-san,” Yamazaki whispered, pleading. “Really. It’s okay. I didn’t mean to cause a problem. Really, I didn’t. I’m sorry.” 

“Why the fuck are _you_ apologisin’?!” Toshiro’s anger was quickly reaching boiling point. “Gintoki! What the _fuck_ did you say to him?!” 

“I told him I don’t appreciate him trying to get close to my boyfriend physically,” Gintoki deadpanned. “Which is true. I don’t.” 

“Don’t fuckin’ bully my friend, Gintoki! He wasn’t doin’ anything wrong!” Toshiro’s own eyes filled with tears. He’d always been short-tempered, but now, with everything happening, he just felt out of control. “It’s _fine_ that he cuddles with me! It’s just what he does!” 

“Hijikata, I don’t care if you hang around with him. I don’t care how close you two are emotionally. But I draw the line at letting someone who wants to fuck my boyfriend being physically intimate like that!” Gintoki snapped. 

“He does _not_ want to fuck me!” Toshiro yelled. He turned to Yamazaki. His cold eyes made Yamazaki flinch. “Do you, Zaki?!” 

Yamazaki stuttered nervously. His tears fell harder as panic consumed him. He shook his head, too scared to give any other response. 

Toshiro turned back to Gintoki. “See?! He’s just my _friend_ ! Bein’ a pain in my ass is just what he _does_! He just likes bein’ close to people!” 

“He only does it to you!” Gintoki snapped. 

“So fuckin’ what?! I’m his _friend_ ! He _trusts_ me!” 

Yamazaki slid off the sofa. His stutter was violent, barely able to get a word out. “I’m sorry I caused a fight. I’ll go home now. I’m sorry. Please don’t fight because of me…” 

“We’re not! Stop blamin’ yourself for every fuckin’ thing, Zaki!” Toshiro wasn’t even conscious of the way his hand shot out and punched Yamazaki in the head. Yamazaki yelped and backed away, but Toshiro could only stare at his hand in horror once he realised what he had done. 

“Why would you hit him?!” Gintoki shouted. “I said I don’t like him touching you - not that I don’t like him at all!” 

Toshiro felt his breath catch in his throat. He started to shake, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop the memories from plaguing his mind. He stood up and rushed from the living area, locking himself in the bedroom he shared with Sougo and trying to stop the imminent panic attack clawing at his throat. 

No one came to the shoji door, and Toshiro didn’t know if he loved or hated it. He pulled the blankets up to his chin, blinking past the never-ending stream of tears from his eyes as he tried so hard to remind himself that he was safe, and he would never have to relive his past again. 

Toshiro listened to Yamazaki and Gintoki talking. Their voices had a small muffle, but Toshiro still mostly understood what they were saying. 

“It’s not swelling. I’ll get you some painkillers for the headache.” It was Gintoki. Toshiro couldn’t explain how relieved he was to know that Gintoki wasn’t being an asshole to Yamazaki without him there to protect him. There was silence for a few moments, presumably so Gintoki could fetch the painkillers. When he spoke again, Toshiro recognised concern in his voice. “Does he always hit you, Jimmy-kun?” 

There was hesitation in Yamazaki to reply. Toshiro didn’t know if he were scared or just taking the painkillers. “It’s… It’s not… Yes, but it’s because he gets mad.” 

“That’s not an excuse, Jimmy-kun. That’s actually pathetic.” Toshiro flinched at how sternly Gintoki spoke - but the problem was, Toshiro knew just how right Gintoki was. He knew how wrong it was of him to lay his hand on Yamazaki - he knew it really was no different to the way Sougo was to him - but the problem was, Toshiro had little to no awareness he would lash out physically until he had already hit Yamazaki. 

“I don’t mind,” Yamazaki defended. “He doesn’t do it for the sake of hurting me, Danna. He does it because he doesn’t know any better.” 

“So you put up with him hitting you.” Gintoki deadpanned. 

“Yes…” 

“That’s so… _incredibly_ unhealthy, Jimmy-kun. Would you let _anyone_ hit you?” 

“No… Just… I just… I understand why Hijikata-san hits me.” 

“He has _no_ excuse to be hitting you, Jimmy-kun. I don’t _care_ what he’s gone through; it’s _no_ excuse for him to be putting his hands on you!” 

“I’m sorry… I keep causing problems…” Toshiro could recognise the tears in Yamazaki’s voice, and it was there he pulled the blanket over his head and stopped listening. He knew just how right Gintoki was, and it made him all the more acutely aware of just how many problems he himself had. 

***

When Toshiro emerged from the bedroom a few hours later, Kondo and Sougo were home, and Yamazaki was gone. Kondo was calm in his interactions with Toshiro, so Toshiro had to wonder if he knew what had happened earlier. 

“Kondo, where’s Gintoki?” Toshiro was glad that Sougo was leaving him alone for once; he wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle him if Sougo were to come at him. 

“He’s downstairs with Sadaharu.” Kondo was putting groceries away, and Sougo was nowhere to be seen. “He was heading to the park when we were talking to him.” 

Toshiro nodded. He tiptoed through the apartment so he didn’t draw Sougo’s attention, and once he was out outside, he headed straight to the park just around the corner. Sure enough, Gintoki was at the park, sitting on a lonely swing set while Sadaharu romped around the park happily. 

“Gintoki…” Toshiro came to stand beside the swing set. He hesitated, before he murmured, “Are you still mad at me…?” 

Gintoki reached out for Toshiro’s wrist. He tugged him onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him. He nuzzled into the back of Toshiro’s head. “Hmm? I was never mad at you.” 

“You sure seemed mad.” Toshiro sighed.

“Not at you,” Gintoki reaffirmed. “I was mad at Jimmy-kun touching you.”

“You know he’s my friend, right?” Toshiro drawled. “Being overly touchy is what he _does_ . Honestly, I don’t think he got hugged enough as a kid and now he _has_ to be all over me to make up for it.” 

Gintoki had learnt long ago just how stubborn Toshiro could be. He gave up on trying to get Toshiro to see the truth, and instead, he murmured, “Why do you hit him, Hijikata? Out of everyone, he’s the only person you do it to.” 

Toshiro shrugged. He ducked his head, hesitating to give a response. “...’Cause if I get too mad, I don’t even mean to hit him. I just do. I guess it’s ‘cause I know he’ll put up with it.” 

Gintoki took both of Toshiro’s hands into his own and squeezed. He shook his head. “Stop doing that. Stop hitting him. If you’re getting too mad, then we’ll work on that together. He’s your friend, and he really does love you. He doesn’t deserve to be hit.” 

Toshiro looked up at the sky. “I know… Gintoki, I _know_. I love him, too. But I just - I lash out at him before I even know what I’m doin’. I don’t even know why he lets me do it, Gintoki.” 

“If you’re getting too angry, maybe we need to work on that,” Gintoki suggested. “If your emotions are running high, just talk to me, okay? We can go into my room, or we can come out here again, or we’ll find somewhere in the corner of the old hag’s bar and drink our problems away. But stop hitting him, Hijikata. You’d never let Souichiro-kun hurt him, so you have no right, either.” 

Toshiro nodded. He reached up to rub at his eyes. “I hate that I do it, Gintoki… I just - I don’t know how to _stop_.” 

“We’ll work on it,” Gintoki promised. He kissed at Toshiro’s neck, holding him tight. “We’ll work on it.” 

They fell silent for a while, content with where they were, until Toshiro broke the silence with a whisper. “Can we stop fightin’ ‘bout Zaki, too…? He’s my friend, Gintoki; I’m not gonna tell him to stop touchin’ me just ‘cause you don’t like it. He’s got his own issues; that’s why he does it.” 

“You’re _my_ boyfriend, though,” Gintoki reminded. 

Toshiro sighed. “He _knows_ that, Gintoki. I… The only reason… I was able to ask you out… was ‘cause I told Zaki. He _helped_ me ask you out. He almost had a mental breakdown over it ‘cause he thought I was gonna abandon him. But still, he _helped_ me, Gintoki. Don’t have it out for him ‘cause you think he’s gonna… I don’t know; _do somethin’_ or whatever. He’s not. He’s not like that. So please. Don’t feel threatened by him. He’s not a bad person, Gintoki. But he still needs me to be there for him, too. I don’t want him goin’ back down a bad road.” 

Gintoki took a few moments to reply. “...Alright. I’ll trust you.” 

Toshiro let out a sigh of relief. “...” 

Gintoki chuckled and squeezed Toshiro briefly. “You sure are standing up for him when you told me you’d get rid of him because you thought I didn’t want you having friends.” 

Toshiro’s cheeks flushed. “Shut up! I thought…! I don’t know _what_ I was thinkin’.” 

Gintoki laughed. He kissed Toshiro’s temple. “I would _never_ tell you to get rid of anyone just to make me happy. And if I ever tell you to do that, dump me.” 

Toshiro tilted his head to the side so he could draw Gintoki in for a kiss. His lips parted slightly, giving Gintoki access to his mouth. Toshiro stayed pliant beneath Gintoki’s hands, letting him kiss, touch, until finally, he pulled away quickly at the sound of approaching voices. 

Toshiro was up and out of Gintoki’s lap like he’d been shocked by electricity. He cleared his throat and fixed his hair, his uniform, making sure he didn’t look anything out of the ordinary. He refused to meet Gintoki’s eyes, and his cheeks felt like they were on fire.

“I’m… gonna go back to the apartment…” Toshiro whispered. “I’ll see you later.” 

Gintoki could only smirk from amusement as he watched Toshiro leave. He’d never had such a shy lover before, and Toshiro was _especially_ cute when he was so flustered from nervousness.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Break of Dawn - Chapter 7

“Hijikata, don’t you think you’d feel better if you didn’t stress so much?” 

Toshiro scowled at his phone as he ended what felt like his hundredth unanswered call. He didn’t dare make eye contact with Gintoki as he mumbled, “Jeez, Gintoki, I would  _ never  _ have  _ thought  _ of that.” 

Gintoki scratched at his nose as he kept his eyes on Toshiro. He was sprawled lazily across the sofa with his head propped up by his elbow, and Toshiro couldn’t help but feel a sliver of envy at just how carefree Gintoki always seemed to be. “I’m just saying, they’re both adults.” 

Toshiro pressed the call button once more as he finally turned to face Gintoki. He sat straighter in his chair as he mustered up the bravery to talk back to Gintoki. “Sougo’s a  _ minor,  _ Gintoki. And Yamazaki can barely look after himself and keep out of trouble.” 

Gintoki hummed. “Sougo’s seventeen. He’s old enough to take care of himself. And I don’t think you should coddle Jimmy-kun as much as you do, either. He’s an adult, and you need to take care of yourself, too.” 

“I  _ don’t  _ coddle him, Gintoki; he never fuckin’ leaves me alone!” Toshiro snapped. “And now he’s not answerin’ my calls when he’s s’posed to be at work and hasn’t shown up!” 

Gintoki cocked his head. “Hijikata. I understand he’s your friend, and I understand you two are close. But don’t you think it’s a  _ little  _ unfair to our relationship when you show him more attention?” 

“I’m not, Gintoki! I’m tryin’ to find out why the fuck he hasn’t gone into work, and if he’s heard from Sougo!” Toshiro didn’t know why he felt so frustrated at trying to explain himself to Gintoki. 

Gintoki raised his eyebrow. “I’m sure they’re both fine. You need to stop worrying so much, Hijikata.” 

“Gintoki, did you not  _ see  _ what Sougo was like when he stormed out yesterday?!” Toshiro was unaware of the way he started scratching at his wrist. “He was in a foul mood, he hasn’t come back, no one’s heard from him, and now Zaki is MIA!  _ Stop tellin’ me to stop worrying! _ ” 

“Toshi!” Kondo poked his head past the kitchen shoji and into the living room. “Stop yelling. I heard from Sougo last night; he spent the night with Zaki. I’m sure they’re fine. You know how distracted Zaki gets, and how obsessive he can be at times. I’ll bet you money that he’s gotten distracted with Sougo, forgotten he has work, and left his phone in his room. He doesn’t focus on different things at once, so Gintoki is right, Toshi; don’t worry so much. I’m sure they’re both fine. Zaki hasn’t been eating again, so he’s probably sick, if anything at all.” 

Toshiro’s scowl grew. “Why isn’t anyone else worryin’ that Sougo’s done somethin’?! After what he did to  _ me?! _ ” 

Kondo frowned. He shook his head and murmured sadly. “Toshi, what Sougo did… I’m sorry, Toshi… I just don’t think that Sougo would do anything to Zaki. Zaki’s always been good to him, and he was the one who… Sougo wouldn’t do anything to him, Toshi. Please don’t worry so much.” 

Toshiro jumped to his feet and stormed towards his bedroom. He couldn’t keep the bitterness from his tone. “And once upon a time I used to defend Sougo to everyone sayin’ he’d never actually do somethin’ to  _ me -  _ and look how that turned out! Every  _ fuckin’  _ day is agony for me!” 

“Toshi!” Kondo called after Toshiro, but Toshiro ignored him as he stomped away. 

Toshiro slammed the shoji shut behind him. He grumbled to himself as he moved about the room in search of the book he was reading, hoping to distract himself for a while; if no one else was listening to his concerns, he… 

Toshiro didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t lessen the anxiety consuming him. 

“Hijikata…?” The shoji slid open again, and Gintoki stepped into the room. He closed the shoji behind him. “Can we talk?” 

Toshiro nodded. He found his book, buried beneath the blankets he’d kicked off him throughout the night as he tossed and turned from nightmares. “...” 

Gintoki took a few moments to begin before he murmured, “I understand you’re close with Jimmy-kun, Hijikata, and I’m not asking you to get rid of him or anything like that. But I think it would be nice if we were able to share the same kind of closeness you share with him.” 

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout? We  _ do  _ get close!” Toshiro couldn’t help but feel his hair raise as he got defensive, but it only added to his stress, knowing he was standing up  _ too much _ to Gintoki now. 

“It’s just…” Gintoki frowned as he struggled to find the right words. “It’s… Sometimes I feel like even though we have this relationship, I don’t matter much to you.” 

“You  _ do  _ matter to me! Why would you think that you don’t?!” Toshiro’s eyes filled with tears, and he couldn’t work out if it was from fear or hurt. 

“Hijikata.” Gintoki took a few steps towards Toshiro, and Toshiro matched his stride by moving backwards. He stopped and smiled sadly. “This is what I’m talking about. I love you - and I know Jimmy-kun loves you, too; I’m not saying he doesn’t - but we’re in a  _ relationship,  _ Hijikata, and I feel like I can’t get  _ close  _ to you. I  _ understand  _ why it’s hard for you to let me close, but every time I see you with Jimmy-kun, I… It hurts, Hijikata.” 

Toshiro felt his defensiveness vanish. He frowned. “Gintoki…” 

“I know he’s your friend… But I feel like I have to compete with him. I won’t ever tell you to get rid of him, or stop spending so much time with him, but… I think you need to understand that he’s also an adult who is capable of fending for himself, too. You two are very co-dependent on each other, Hijikata. Have you noticed?” 

Toshiro’s frown grew. “Co-dependent?” 

Gintoki nodded. “I feel like you two are very unhealthy with each other. I’m not saying I don’t like Jimmy-kun spending time here, but he  _ does  _ spend a lot of time here. He’s here in time where  _ we  _ could be together, working on our relationship. He always needs rescuing from something, Hijikata. But he’s an adult, and I’m sure he can solve his own problems if he tries. But he’s dependent on  _ you  _ to solve them for him. You need to understand that  _ you  _ need to take care of  _ yourself  _ before anyone else.” 

“Gintoki, he’s my  _ friend _ …!” 

“I  _ know  _ he is, but it’s not  _ healthy,  _ Hijikata.” Gintoki sighed. “Worrying about him all the time like he’s a child incapable of looking after himself isn’t healthy. You need to stop being so concerned with everybody else and just focus on  _ you,  _ Hijikata. It isn’t  _ healthy _ .” 

Toshiro chewed at his lip. “Gintoki, if something happens to him, I won’t be able to cope.” 

“This is  _ codependency,  _ Hijikata. It’s not  _ good _ .” 

Toshiro wiped at his wet eyes. “He’s my  _ friend _ . If it wasn’t for him, I - Neither of us were in a good place, Gintoki. We helped  _ each other  _ get better. Kondo and I even got him off all the hard drugs he was doin’, Gintoki! He’s a completely different person than he used to be - because we  _ helped  _ him, and  _ he  _ helped _ me _ !” 

“Hijikata.” Gintoki closed the distance between them to take Toshiro’s face into his hands. “I  _ appreciate  _ that he helped you. I  _ appreciate  _ that he’s a good friend to you. But you need to put in effort into  _ us,  _ too. Or else we can’t work. I love you. I’m being patient with you. I  _ understand  _ you. But the effort in this relationship has to go both ways. I can’t be in this if I’m always feeling hurt, and second-best to Jimmy-kun. He’s your friend. I will never tell you to get rid of him. But I need you to put in effort into us, too, Hijikata. Do you understand?” 

Toshiro closed his eyes. He nodded. His tense body loosened as he let himself fall into Gintoki’s arms. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Gintoki… I didn’t… I didn’t realise I was makin’ you feel like Zaki is more important to me. I love him, but he’s just my friend. I just… I think that’s why he doesn’t scare me. Because I’ve seen him at his worst, and I know this is his best, and I  _ know  _ he doesn’t think of me sexually. I know he doesn’t have bad intentions towards me - but it… It’s harder for me with you ‘cause I know you  _ do  _ want to have sex with me one day, but… I’m scared of it…” 

Gintoki let go of Toshiro’s face and instead moved to embrace him. “And that’s why we don’t have sex, Hijikata. So please, don’t be scared of me. I’ve promised you before, and I’ll promise you again; I will never harm you, Hijikata. All I want from you is to feel like you’re giving back in this relationship. I don’t want anything else from you.” 

Toshiro nodded. He hesitated before he whispered, “Sorry… I’ll… I’ll try harder, Gintoki. I didn’t… I didn’t realise how unhealthy I was bein’ with Zaki… I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologise; just be aware of it,” Gintoki reassured. He kissed Toshiro’s forehead and took his hand into his own. “Let’s go out now before the gorilla gets suspicious.” 

Toshiro nodded. He held onto his book and let his hand remain in Gintoki’s until the shoji was opened. He pulled his hand away and let Gintoki go first, keeping distance between them. He returned to the chair he had been in earlier, opening his book and doing his best not to worry about Sougo and Yamazaki. 

Toshiro almost had forgotten his stress and immersed himself almost completely in his book, but he was pulled back into reality by the car doors closing from outside, and two sets of footsteps ascending the rickety staircase. Toshiro couldn't help but feel his anxiety spike at the idea of Sougo’s torment resuming. 

The shoji door to the balcony opened. Toshiro’s breath caught in his throat as he worried about what Sougo had in store for him today. But all concern for his own safety left his mind when he caught sight of Yamazaki, being dragged into the living room by the sleeve of his uniform. His eyes widened, and he felt like he was going to throw up when he saw  _ exactly  _ what had kept Yamazaki from going into work; his deathly pale, sweaty face and puffy jaw that looked like it had almost been broken had  _ nothing  _ on the bruising all over his neck, finger marks identical to the strangulation cases Toshiro had dealt with so many times in his line of work. The dried blood on his ears and the tip of his nose alerted Toshiro to the fact that he had been strangled long enough to have been asphyxiated, and Toshiro felt like he had failed once again. 

Toshiro didn’t want to believe what he was seeing. He didn’t want to believe that Sougo was capable of harming other people - especially like this - but when he watched Sougo get behind Yamazaki and shove him at their feet, he wanted to cry; what had happened to that sweet little boy he had first met Sougo as…? 

“Sorry I’m late; I was busy having lots of sex with my boyfriend.” Sougo was glaring, and Toshiro knew he wasn’t the only one in the room lost for words. 

But finally, Toshiro found himself snapping out of the shock, and all he could do was sneer angrily. “Zaki? Fuckin’  _ you,  _ Sougo? Yeah, I’ll believe it when you tell me you love me.” 

Toshiro felt his trauma trigger violently at the way Sougo threw himself onto Yamazaki, who was still trying to push himself up from where he had fallen. The way Sougo held him down and forced him into an aggressive kiss was all too familiar to Toshiro, and Toshiro wished he could find the strength to get up and get Sougo away from Yamazaki - but he couldn’t; not when the memories locked his entire body down in fear. 

The world seemed to drift away from Toshiro’s ears, becoming nothing but static as he tried to shake away the intrusive memories that made him want to hide. But it was Yamazaki’s pained yelp that broke through his trauma and brought him back to reality. 

Toshiro wanted to punch Sougo. He was restraining Yamazaki so tightly in his arms, Yamazaki’s eyes welled with tears from the pressure it was putting on his body. But Sougo didn’t care; he only closed his mouth around Yamazaki’s again while giving that same challenging glare to Toshiro and Gintoki. 

Toshiro had to stop this before he lost his temper. He jumped to his feet, trying his best to keep his tone as calm as possible. “Yamazaki. I’m ridin’ with you. Let’s go.” 

Yamazaki couldn’t have looked happier to have escaped Sougo’s arms and scrambled to the safety Toshiro always provided him with. Sougo was yelling, his expression looking almost wild. “Butt out, Hijikata; you’re not even working today! You just want him for yourself!” 

“Sorry, Sougo; I’m not into leavin’ bruises on people.” Toshiro wrapped his arm around Yamazaki’s shoulders and moved him quicker through the apartment, trying to get him away from Sougo before anything else happened. “You’d do well to learn that, too.” 

Toshiro didn’t stop moving until he had guided Yamazaki into the passenger seat of the police cruiser and taken the driver’s seat for himself. He turned the engine on and rolled the vehicle down the road, stopping just around the corner in case Sougo were to notice them still there and come out after them. 

Toshiro put the vehicle into park and pulled the handbrake up before he leant across the car to take Yamazaki’s chin in hand. He turned Yamazaki’s head side-to-side, taking note of the damage. His tone was hard. “What happened, Yamazaki.” 

Yamazaki sniffed and pulled his knees up to his chest. He shook his head. His whisper sounded strained, hoarse, and Toshiro could only wonder how much damage Sougo had done. “Please, I don’t want to talk about it, Vice-Commander…” 

“Zaki, if you don’t tell me, I can’t fix it,” Toshiro gruffed. He frowned when Yamazaki reached up to pull at his hair and curl in on himself. “Zaki. Zaki, talk to me.” 

“No…” Yamazaki couldn’t stop himself from crying. “Vice-Comman - Hijikata-san, please, I-I don’t wanna talk about it just now! Please!” 

“Zaki, I can’t help if I don’t know what’s goin’ on!” 

“My throat really hurts!” Yamazaki pleaded. “Hijikata-san,  _ please _ ! It hurts so much to talk!” 

Toshiro knew that it wasn’t a lie; he could  _ hear  _ the damage with every ragged breath Yamazaki sucked in. He’d known strangulation victims who had lived to tell the tale and barely been able to speak at all from the crushing their throat had undergone. 

But Toshiro  _ needed  _ to know what had happened, because he was going to  _ kill  _ Sougo when he got home. “You’re tellin’ me what’s happened as soon as we get to the station. I  _ mean  _ it.” 

Yamazaki didn’t speak for the rest of the car ride; he just sat, curled in on himself, rubbing at his throat and sobbing quietly. He couldn’t even thank Toshiro when he stopped the car at a cafe and bought him a hot mug of tea with honey in it to help his throat; all he could do was dread the conversation that Toshiro was never going to let go of until he got answers. 

And sure enough, even after Toshiro parked the car at the station and escorted Yamazaki into the building, Yamazaki found himself too frightened by the sudden attention fixed on him by everyone to do anything more than freeze in place and start to tremble. 

Todo was one of the many who was staring in shock, but unlike anyone else, he approached Yamazaki and bent down to ghost his fingers against the bruising. “Yamazaki, who did this to you…?” 

Yamazaki flinched away from Todo’s touch. He was wary of all the others, well aware of the fact that he tended to get ignored or forgotten about unless someone decided they wanted to bully him - for Todo to have suddenly shown concern for him, Yamazaki couldn’t help but feel frightened of an ulterior motive. 

Toshiro sensed Yamazaki’s distress. He grabbed Todo by the shoulder and pulled him back. “It’s okay; I’ve got him. He’s not gonna talk to anyone else.” 

Todo nodded in understanding. He backed away from Yamazaki, and instead, he worked with Harada to try and clear the onslaught of observers. 

Toshiro tried to get Yamazaki moving again, but he was still frozen in place. “Yamazaki, tell me right now what the hell happened.” 

Yamazaki shook his head. He was crying again, shaking violently, and Toshiro wished he had been there to protect him from Sougo. He stuttered out his response fearfully. “It was just a bit of sex, Hijikata-san! I promise!” 

“Zaki, you’re  _ straight _ ,” Toshiro reminded. “And Sougo is - well, I don’t know what the fuck he is, but he doesn’t  _ have  _ sex. So tell me the truth.” 

“No, it’s true!” Yamazaki wailed. There was true panic in him now, but it only made it harder for Toshiro to believe what he was telling him. “Sougo and I are boyfriends, and it was just some sex!” 

“You’re  _ straight _ .” 

“I’m not!” Yamazaki started to hyperventilate now. He backed away from Toshiro and into the wall. For the first time since the conversation started, Toshiro believed what he was saying. “I’m not! I never told you because I didn’t want you to hate me, but I’m  _ not _ , Hijikata-san!” 

“Well, okay… But why the hell did he asphyxiate you?” 

“It’s fine, Hijikata-san! It was an accident! He didn’t mean to so please don’t be mad at him! Leave him alone about it,  _ please _ !” Yamazaki begged. “ _ Please,  _ Hijikata-san! It was just  _ sex _ !” 

Toshiro knew Yamazaki well. He knew when he could force the truth out of Yamazaki, and when Yamazaki would take the truth to his grave. There was no point distressing him when he was adamant in keeping his silence. 

Toshiro sighed. He turned to look at everyone who had continued to stick their beak in and stay to watch instead of leaving. He raised his voice, trying to hide just how much it strained his health to do so. He bit back the ragged coughs as best he could. “The fuck are you all standin’ around for?! Mind your own business!” 

Yamazaki kept his head ducked as he reached out to tug at Toshiro’s sleeve. He waited for Toshiro to turn his attention back to him before he whispered, “Can I please go home, Hijikata-san…?”

Toshiro didn’t tend to give his subordinates time off easily, and Yamazaki wasn’t an exception, no matter how close they were. But Toshiro knew him well enough to know that forcing him to stay today would do nothing but damage his already-fragile mental health. 

“Get in the car. I’ll be there in a minute.” Toshiro watched Yamazaki leave before he turned his attention to one subordinate in particular. His eyes narrowed at the phone that was quickly pocketed. “You. What were you doing with that phone?” 

“Nothing, Vice-Commander.” The subordinate was calm, but there was something about him that Toshiro didn’t like; a bad vibe that made him worried. 

Toshiro grit his teeth. He wanted to take the phone and go through it, but he knew he couldn’t; just because it had been pointed at them didn’t mean he had the right to go through it. “I know you’re a new transfer here, but if I find  _ anything  _ distributed among my officers or the internet, I’m going to be dealin’ with you personally. We do  _ not  _ point cameras at each other here, and if anything - anything at all - pops up that causes my friend any distress, I know  _ exactly  _ where it came from.”

With that, Toshiro left to join Yamazaki in the cruiser and drive him home. 

***

Sleep wasn’t coming easily to Toshiro. He didn’t know how long he’d laid on the futon for, with his back to Sougo as he tried so hard to force himself into sleep. But Toshiro was restless, his mind wouldn’t stop replaying the day’s events, and as soon as he was sure Sougo had fallen asleep, he got out of the futon and tiptoed into Gintoki’s room. 

Gintoki was still awake, his hands behind his head as he stared up at the roof. He turned his head to the side to smile at Toshiro. “Hey, babe. Can’t sleep? Me neither.” 

“I’m pissed off.” Toshiro hesitated by the door, almost paralysed by the fear of joining Gintoki on the futon. But he remembered their talk earlier, and he knew he had promised to try harder and to  _ trust  _ Gintoki. He took a deep breath before he joined Gintoki beneath the blankets, and somehow, to his own surprise, he allowed Gintoki to wrap him up in his arms and hold him tight. “Zaki wouldn’t stop cryin’. He was so embarrassed to be seen at the station. I ended up sendin’ him home and stayin’ with him for a while there.”

“I’m sure he’ll be okay.” Gintoki patted Toshiro’s hair. “The bruises will fade eventually.”

“I don’t believe them.” Toshiro tried to hold back the tears, but he failed. “Either of them. Sougo did something to Zaki, and Zaki is scared of him and coverin’ for him.”

“Hmm? No, I don’t think so, Hijikata-kun.” Gintoki pulled Toshiro in for a few deep kisses. Their tongues danced together for a few moments before Gintoki pulled away so as to not overwhelm Toshiro. “I believe them both. I don’t think Souichiro-kun is a liar, and Yamazaki has no reason to cover for him. I’m sure Souichiro-kun just needs to learn to be gentler when he’s having sex.”

Toshiro shuddered, but he still lay motionless as Gintoki moved to lay on top of him. He took a deep breath to centre himself, wincing slightly at the pain it put on his burns. He raised his arms to wrap around Gintoki’s neck, realising now just how comforting it was to have Gintoki this close to him. His shaking started to cease. “Hn… Thought Zaki was straight anyway…” 

Gintoki smirked. He pulled Toshiro’s sleeping yukata down from one shoulder so he could circle his tongue around Toshiro’s nipple. “He’s a cherry boy.” 

“Hey. Leave him alone, bastard.” Toshiro gasped slightly at the small surge of pleasure he felt at Gintoki’s lips wrapping around his nipple. “...But yeah. He is.” 

Gin gave a muffled laugh before he sucked slightly on the nub. Toshiro moaned. “Is this okay?”

Toshiro moved one hand up into Gintoki’s hair to hold on tight. He nodded, feeling his cheeks redden. “Just… no sex…” 

“Hmm?” Gintoki moved his hand to caress Toshiro’s other nipple. “No sex? You gotta be specific, Oogushi-kun. Technically what we’re doing now is sex.” 

Toshiro groaned. “Don’t call me that… And no  _ sex _ .” 

“No sex?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You gotta use your words, Oogushi-kun.” 

Toshiro thumped Gintoki on the back in frustration. “Don’t bring your dick anywhere near me, damnit!” 

Gintoki laughed. He slid down Toshiro’s torso, whispering, “But it’s okay for me to play with yours, right?” 

Toshiro flinched. He wanted to say no, but the part of him that had been conditioned from a child to never fight back was fighting to break out. 

...But Gintoki  _ wanted  _ him to say no… 

Toshiro dragged Gintoki by the hair back to his face to kiss him. When they broke apart, he whispered, “Can you just play with my nipples for a bit instead?” 

“Your wish is my command,” Gintoki whispered back. He leant in for another deep kiss before he moved down Toshiro’s torso once more to return his attention to his chest. Toshiro held onto his hair, and for the first time in his life, he found himself enjoying sexual attention. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Break of Dawn Chapter 8

“Toshi, I’ve got a bit of a strange request for you.” 

Toshiro groaned. He looked up at Kondo with tired eyes, wondering what the hell Kondo wanted from him now. He pushed his paperwork on top of the mess of bloodied tissues he’d left on his work desk, hoping it wasn’t too late to hide them. “What is it…?” 

“You know the Sasaki family?” Kondo pulled out the chair on the other side of Toshiro’s desk. He knew what Toshiro was trying to hide, but he didn’t draw attention to it. He continued when Toshiro nodded. “Well… Something strange happened, and they’ve asked for us to take on the younger son.” 

“There’s a younger son?” Toshiro couldn’t recall any younger sons from the Sasaki family; really, the only person from said family he’d ever properly met was the “elitist” himself, Isaburo. 

“Well, he’s a half-child, but he isn’t treated very well by Isaburo.” Kondo looked sad at the thought. “Tetsu’s a bit off the deep end at the moment, and everywhere else they’ve abandoned him to has shipped him straight back. So I thought it might be good if he follows you around for a bit; you’re pretty good at bringing out the best in people.” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but snort. He shook his head. He glanced at the office door to make sure it was still shut before he hissed, “That’s why Sougo’s done everythin’ he has, Kondo-san. Don’t subject another person to me to fail.” 

“You won’t fail him, Toshi,” Kondo promised. “I’ve met him, and I’m confident you’ll be good for him. He’s nothing like Sougo, Toshi.  _ Nothing  _ like Sougo. He’s just a lost soul who needs some guidance.” 

Toshiro sniffed. “Give him to Yamazaki. He’s the one who’s good with people.” 

“Zaki’s preoccupied with Sougo, and I don’t want to put that kind of pressure onto him right now when he hasn’t been doing okay.” Kondo dropped his chin into his palm so he could lean his elbow on the desk. “You’ll be  _ great  _ with Tetsu. Just please at least meet him? I wouldn’t ask this of you if I didn’t think you could handle it.” 

Toshiro sighed. He threw his pen to the side so he could mutter, “Fine… But if I fuck him up, too, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

Kondo smiled. “Thank you, Toshi.” 

Toshiro hummed. While they were alone, he asked the question that had been plaguing him for a while now. “Did you know that Zaki isn’t straight?” 

“Yes, he told me years ago.” Kondo smiled gently. “He’s not quite gay but he’s not quite straight, either.”

“How the fuck’s  _ that  _ supposed to work?” Toshiro raised his eyebrow. “Maybe he’s confused.” 

“No, he’s not confused. He says he’s open to being with both genders, but he can’t fall in love with someone he isn’t close to emotionally.” 

“Ah, yes, so he  _ is  _ confused ‘cause he can’t tell if he loves someone or just likes bein’ their friend.” Toshiro rolled his eyes. 

Kondo frowned. “What’s wrong with how he feels about people? I think it’s great that he won’t settle for someone he’s just met or isn't close to.” 

“If that’s true, then why the fuck is he apparently dating  _ Sougo _ ? Sougo’s been an asshole to him for years now. He’s not that cute little kid who liked playin’ hide and seek with Zaki anymore. Sougo’s just an asshole, and Zaki deserves so much better than him.”

“Zaki loved  _ you _ , Toshi.” Kondo rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “We talked about this, years ago - when he finished with his drug rehab. This entire time, he’s loved you.”

Toshiro frowned. “Why does everyone keep tellin’ me this?! It  _ can’t  _ be true! If it were, he would have said something about it! I even asked him in front of Gintoki!” 

“He never said anything because he knows you’ve been through hell, Toshi,” Kondo murmured.

“What’s that got to do with not bein’ able to tell me?!” Toshiro snapped. He didn’t know what he was even angry about; just that, for some reason, the conversation was quickly building agitation in him.

“He  _ wanted  _ to tell you,” Kondo promised. “He did. We sat down for almost an entire  _ night  _ talking about it. He  _ wanted  _ to ask you out, more than  _ anything else  _ in his  _ life _ . And he almost did, until the night he had planned to ask you out, you told him about your family. He decided he would never tell you he loves you because he was terrified that you would hate him or he would accidentally hurt you.”

Toshiro rolled his eyes once more. His hand clenched into a fist as he tried to work through his frustrations. “No, I wouldn’t hate him if he told me. But he’s my  _ friend _ . That’s all we’d ever be. I don’t have any feelings for him in that way, Kondo. And neither would Sougo. Sougo’s doin’ somethin’, Kondo.” 

“It’s fine, Toshi; I’ve already spoken to Zaki about it and everything’s fine,” Kondo promised. “It’s a new relationship, and Zaki is willing to give Sougo a chance, but he isn’t going to be letting any sexual contact occur between them until he can be sure he loves Sougo, and Sougo can be comfortable with him. He won’t lay a hand on Sougo sexually until he’s certain Sougo is ready for him.”

Toshiro pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Out of  _ all people _ , why did he choose  _ Sougo _ ? The only one in that relationship who’ll be treated right is Sougo.” 

“I say let them go, Toshi,” Kondo said softly. “Zaki’s lonely, and he hasn’t been with anyone in years. But he’s also an adult, and he can look after himself. I’m  _ glad  _ Sougo chose him; anyone else would just take advantage of Sougo for sex and wouldn’t treat him well at all. But Zaki’s not like that. He’s the only one who would treat Sougo well.”

Toshiro frowned. “Zaki’s almost twice Sougo’s age. Doesn’t that bother you?” 

“No. If it were anyone else, it would… I wouldn’t let anyone else near Sougo. But I know we can trust Zaki with Sougo. And I’ll be watching them closely, Toshi. Don’t worry. I’m not going to let either of them get hurt.” 

Toshiro sighed. He dropped his head into his hands as he tried to process everything. “...That idiot really thought he couldn’t tell me he likes me…” 

Kondo chuckled. “That’s our Zaki. Silly, but well-meaning.”

“ _ Too  _ well-meaning.”

Kondo stood up from the desk and stretched. “I’m going out to get some lunch. Do you want me to get you anything?” 

“No, I’m good. I’m not hungry.” It was true; Toshiro’s body was hurting too much to be able to feel any hunger. 

Kondo held a brief look of concern on his face before it vanished, and he gave a gentle smile. “Okay, Toshi. Call me if you change your mind.” 

Toshiro nodded. He waited until Kondo had left his office before he crumpled over and clutched at his chest. He felt sweat cling to his forehead as his breathing became strained. His chest felt like it was being crushed from the inside out, and the burns on his body that still had yet to start scabbing over and healing made his body throb. 

Toshiro considered finally taking sick leave, but he decided against it; he’d never needed to take sick leave for anything else, and he wasn’t going to start now for such a petty problem. 

***

Toshiro could understand why Tetsu hadn’t fit in with his family’s elite status. If it weren’t the way Tetsu dressed himself like a New York gangster and kept challenging everyone he saw to a rap battle, it was the way he and his friends kept causing disturbances between the other officers. Toshiro was quickly losing what little patience he already had with all the complaints he’d been receiving; he’d finally gotten a break from the complaints with Sougo off on stress leave, but now…

“Vice-Commander, Tetsu and his friends held me up at knifepoint for my plate of rice, put curry in my pocket, and then called me a cherry boy…” 

Toshiro gaped at Yamazaki in disbelief for a few moments before he grabbed his paperwork, ripped it to shreds, and stormed out of his office in frustration. He gathered up Tetsu and his friends, shepherding them out of the station and into his police cruiser to accompany them on a patrol. He tossed the keys to Tetsu and took the passenger seat, seating himself comfortably so he could  _ try  _ and ignore all the pain in his body. 

Toshiro felt his migraine return with a vengeance when Tetsu turned the radio onto a rap station and blasted the volume. He winced, biting through his lip as he tried to contain his whimper of discomfort. 

“Tetsu…” Toshiro reached up to rub at his temples. He was trying to be nice; he knew what it was like to not fit in anywhere, no matter how hard he tried, and if he were to have a hope of helping Tetsu, he had to be someone Tetsu could trust. “Can you turn it down a bit…?” 

Tetsu ignored Toshiro’s request. He kept driving, rapping along to the radio. Toshiro couldn’t take it, as patient as he tried to be; his head felt like it was splitting in half, and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to turn the radio down. Tetsu frowned at him, and for a few moments, Toshiro couldn’t help but fear that he was going to yell and scream like Sougo. 

But Tetsu didn’t react badly at all. Toshiro found courage to talk to him like he’d always wanted to be able to talk to Sougo. “Tetsu, don’t you think it’s time to move on from whatever you’re doin’? You can’t keep doin’ it forever, you know? This is your last chance. Surely you’ve realised that you’ll never get anywhere in society like this?” 

Tetsu frowned. He gripped the steering wheel tightly. “Shit. I don’t need another lecture… You can’t boss me around. This is how I choose to live.”

Toshiro’s chest hurt at the words. He was reminded so much of Sougo, and the last thing Toshiro wanted to see was for Tetsu to end up like Sougo. “If you run into a wall and pretend it doesn’t exist, you’ll never make any progress. The wall will never change. So you’re the one who has to change. Right now, you’re just rattling off excuses at the wall. You’re nothin’ more than a kid.” 

Toshiro wasn’t oblivious to the pain in Tetsu’s eyes, but Tetsu gave no response. 

Toshiro took a deep breath before he continued on. “You see these burns all over my hands and my face, Tetsu? The person responsible for them… You really remind me of them. It wasn’t just him who rattled off excuses; it was everyone around him as well. If someone had just stopped makin’ excuses and just  _ helped  _ him, maybe we’d still have our home. Maybe we’d actually have a relationship that isn’t built on one-sided resentment. But no one helped him, and he dwindled so far... he burnt down our house trying to set me on fire. To think you might end up going down a path similar to him… I’d rather cut you down myself then to see you in the same mental state as him.” 

Toshiro wondered if he was imagining the tear that cling to the bottom of Tetsu’s sunglasses. Tetsu shook his head. “Then cut me down… I can  _ never  _ be like my brother. I don’t belong with the Sasaki family, and I don’t belong here. I was born a failure. So I’ll live as I please and die as I please!” 

Toshiro hated to admit that he understood Tetsu’s pain. He hated that, just like Sougo, Tetsu didn’t want any help. 

Most of all, Toshiro hated how powerless he was to protect the people around him. 

Toshiro ducked his head, wondering how else he could get through to Tetsu. But before he could come up with an answer, Toshiro was startled from his thoughts by the car trying to screech to a halt before it smashed into the rear of the car ahead, stopped at a red light. 

“Tetsu!” Toshiro felt like he was about to black out from the pain of his migraine, but still, he reached across to touch Tetsu’s shoulder. He looked at Tetsu’s friends in the back, glad to see them moving. “Is everyone okay?” 

Toshiro unbuckled his seatbelt when everyone nodded. He flicked on the lights of the siren and instructed Tetsu to move the car off the road and into a safe place before he opened the door and stepped out to check on the vehicle they had hit. 

To Toshiro’s panic, he found himself face to face with the very same brother Tetsu had just been talking about. Toshiro wondered if this was all just some bad dream he would soon wake up from. 

“Hijikata-kun, what a surprise.” Isaburo’s cold eyes were locked on Toshiro’s. “What useless officer of yours was it that drove into my car? I would hazard a guess, but most of your men are useless.” 

“And you’re a bastard,” Toshiro growled. He stepped back out of the way to let Isaburo exit the car. He hoped with everything he had that Tetsu would stay put in the car, but of course, life hated Toshiro, and Tetsu and his friends came trotting over. Toshiro wanted to cry, and he wasn’t sure it was purely because of how much his body was hurting. 

Isaburo’s eyes widened slightly when he caught sight of Tetsu. “Ah, so I was right. Useless officer - the  _ most  _ useless. Hijikata-kun, do everyone a favour and just get rid of him before he disappoints you. Nobody needs such a worthless waste of space around.” 

Toshiro’s jaw dropped. He could see how hurt and upset Tetsu was. Toshiro knew he could understand Tetsu’s feelings on an intimate level; he’d endured the same kind of taunting from his family before his brother had died, too. 

Toshiro grit his teeth. He forced the pain into the back of his mind so he could step in front of Tetsu. He put on his best game face and forced a smirk onto his face. “Tetsu is great, actually! I don’t know what I would have done without him. He’s been such a great help to me, especially now that my hands don’t work well anymore. I’ve been stuck on paperwork duty and even that is difficult. But Tetsu sits there without complaint and helps me for hours. You’re wrong about him, Isaburo.” 

Isaburo sneered. He nodded his head at his car. “Be that as it may, what do you intend on doing about my car, Hijikata-kun? Give me your phone; let’s exchange numbers so I can ensure the matter is dealt with elitely.” 

Toshiro ignored the way Tetsu stared at him in disbelief. He pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jacket and looked at it ponderingly. “...” 

“Why is it pink?” Isaburo’s lips curled into a smirk once more. 

“S-shut up!” Toshiro’s cheeks flushed. “It was given to me after I lost my phone in the fire! I can’t help what colour it is!”

Isaburo cocked his head to the side. His smirk remained in place. “Well? Are we going to exchange numbers or not, Hijikata-kun?” 

Toshiro grit his teeth. He returned his phone to its resting place. “No. I don’t need a bastard like you knowing my personal number. If you need me, you know to reach me at the station. I’ll put a claim in through our insurance; they can sort it out. But I don’t need to save anyone’s number if they’re an asshole to their brother.” 

“You’re standing up for him, Hijikata-kun? Against an elite like myself? He’s no Sasaki; he’s the lowest.” 

Toshiro sneered. “I don’t care. Sougo treats me like shit, but I still don’t think badly of him. I would  _ never  _ treat him like you treat Tetsu. As for him bein’ low… Think what you want about him, but I think he’s the only good assistant I’ve had.” 

Toshiro grabbed Tetsu by the shoulder and pushed him along so they could leave. Tetsu couldn’t help but keep staring at Toshiro in disbelief. But Toshiro knew he’d made some sort of impact on Tetsu, because for the rest of the day, Tetsu ran around obediently after him, living true to the claims Toshiro had made to Isaburo. 

Toshiro just wished he could find a way to get through to Sougo, too. 

***

Toshiro was glad Sougo didn’t take too long to fall asleep that night, because more than anything, he wanted to talk to Gintoki. Toshiro slipped out from beneath the blankets and tiptoed to Gintoki’s room. He slid the shoji shut as quietly as he could so he didn’t wake Kondo, fast asleep on the sofa with the TV playing on mute. 

“Gintoki…” Toshiro smiled as he came to join Gintoki on the futon. The fear that usually accompanied him at night was gone, and instead, he felt rather light to be wrapped in Gintoki’s arms as the blanket was dragged over him. “Did I wake you?” 

“No.” Gintoki kissed Toshiro’s forehead and reached his hand up to ruffle at his hair. “I was waiting for you.” 

Toshiro’s cheeks reddened. He hesitated to kiss Gintoki’s chin, but he accomplished it, a small peck that made him curl in tighter on himself. He kept his head on the pillow, staring at Gintoki’s face and trying to pretend his heart wasn’t beating so fast at Gintoki’s warmth.

“Sougo was good today.” Gintoki caressed Toshiro’s cheek tenderly. “I took him with me to get a parfait. I bought him some dango and we had a little talk. He’s getting better, Hijikata. He’s doing well.” 

Toshiro hummed. He closed his eyes and leant into Gintoki’s touch. “That’s good.” 

“I had a few jobs today. Dog walking, and a couple handyman jobs. I found this really nice park I didn’t know about. I’ll take you there one day and show you.” Gintoki held Toshiro close against him, stroking him so gently, Toshiro couldn’t help but purr. “Old guy who wanted me to fix his roof forgot he had to have money to pay me. But otherwise it was a good day.” 

Toshiro smiled. He slowly uncurled a fist and reached warily for Gintoki’s side. He clasped Gintoki’s t-shirt loosely, but still, he felt himself relaxing with every moment. “I’m glad.” 

“What about you? How was your day, Hijikata?” Gintoki nuzzled the top of Toshiro’s head. Toshiro couldn’t help but sigh happily. 

“Okay…” Toshiro snuggled closer.

“Just okay?” 

“Mm…” Toshiro hesitated again, not sure if Gintoki wanted him to tell him about his day, or if his answer was acceptable as is. “...I… It was okay.” 

“Anything exciting happen?” Gintoki seemed to know Toshiro’s reluctance to share his day, Toshiro felt. 

Toshiro licked his lips. “...I… have a new assistant. Tetsu. He’s… He reminds me of Sougo a bit. But he’s a good kid. He’s helpin’ me with office jobs at the moment.” 

Gintoki brushed Toshiro’s hair out of his eyes. “That’s nice. You like him?” 

“Yeah. He… I… His brother is a dickhead. I defended Tetsu when his brother called him worthless, and the way Tetsu was surprised ‘bout it... Guess I was the only person who’s ever really seen his worth.” 

“You’ve got a good heart,” Gintoki murmured. “I like it about you. I know you care a lot about other people - you just have trouble showing it. But really, you do care.” 

Toshiro felt more confident talking to Gintoki now. He felt encouraged to share his thoughts and feelings, and he couldn’t help but murmur, “I talked to Tetsu the way I’ve always wanted to talk to Sougo. It was… strange. But not in a bad way. I wish I could sit down and talk to Sougo, but… I can’t. It only ever ends in him screamin’. But Tetsu… He was good. I felt a bit better bein’ able to talk to him.” 

“It’s good to talk to people, Hijikata. And I’m always here to talk to, too. Anything you want to talk to me about, my ear is always open.” 

Toshiro’s fingers twitched before he let go of Gintoki’s t-shirt to instead ghost his fingers through Gintoki’s hair. “I’m sorry… About not believin’ you ‘bout Zaki.” 

“Oh?” Gintoki pulled Toshiro’s hand from his hair and kissed his knuckles. 

“I didn’t see it. I always just thought he was clingin’ to me ‘cause of… ‘Cause we’re close. I’m sorry. I get now why you were uncomfortable. Kondo told me everythin’. But please don’t be worried ‘bout us together ‘cause I don’t have any romantic interest in him. He’s… He’s just my friend. So don’t feel threatened by him, okay? He’s got Sougo now anyway.” 

Gintoki kissed up Toshiro’s arm, his shoulder, his neck, and all the way to his lips. “I was more concerned about Jimmy-kun. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would pass up a chance to feel you up if he thought he could get away with it.” 

“Zaki? No way.” Toshiro adjusted himself so that he was laying on Gintoki’s chest. “He’s harmless. It’s why we’re so close, ‘cause I needed someone like him in my life. I met him through Kondo, not long after Kondo gave me a home with him. It was… strange. Kondo-san took me in when he found me on the streets. He gave me a home, and safety, and… a  _ life _ . And I love and appreciate him for it, ‘cause if it weren’t for him, I was gonna… kill myself…” 

“I’m glad he found you, Hijikata,” Gintoki promised. He kissed Toshiro’s forehead. 

Toshiro nodded, not knowing how to respond. He moved his hand to scratch at his wrist as he tried to sort through his thoughts. “Kondo-san… came across Sougo when his school made a report to child services. Sougo wasn’t fittin’ in with the other kids, and his teacher was worried he was bein’ abused at home. Teacher wasn’t wrong, but… No one figured it out for years.” 

Gintoki clenched his hands in anger. “I’ve seen all the scars on his body…” 

Toshiro nodded. “He was tortured. His sister loved him, but her boyfriend… He was a sick fuck. He actually got out on bail, not long before the fire… When I heard that, I felt like gettin’ him myself and hidin’ the body. He should  _ never  _ have been let out.” 

“I’ll help you get rid of him,” Gintoki promised. “Anyone who can do that shit… They deserve it.” 

Toshiro snuggled closer, comforted by Gintoki’s support. “Yeah, well… Zaki gave him a good beatin’. Won’t stand up for himself but Sougo said he lost it when he found the bruises.”

“Jimmy-kun worked it out?” 

Toshiro nodded. “Zaki used to live near us - that was how Kondo found him. He was… across the street, I think. He had a welfare house until we helped him save his money and buy his own home. And Kondo… Kondo knew he was on something, so he approached him and offered help, ‘cause Kondo doesn’t like not givin’ people chances. I guess Zaki was just so majorly depressed from all the shit he was doin’, he didn’t even have energy to fight Kondo’s offer. He was on so much heavy shit, Gintoki… But once we got him clean, he was just… We introduced him to Sougo, and he just  _ adored  _ him. It was like he finally had somethin’ to live for. I guess when I look back at it, it’s no surprise he almost killed the fucker for what he was doin’ to Sougo.”

“Jimmy-kun doesn’t do drugs anymore, does he?” Gintoki murmured. 

“No, he’s been clean ever since. I don’t know what happened to his family, but he doesn’t have any. We gave him somethin’ to live for. He was the same with me. We both had nothin’ until we found each other.” 

Gintoki smiled. He cupped Toshiro’s face and whispered, “I appreciate he’s helped you so much, Hijikata. I’ll have to remember to thank him the next time I see him.” 

Toshiro returned the smile. “He’s a good guy, Gintoki. He’s not perfect, but it’d… I’d really like it if you accepted him. He gets bullied a lot, and he doesn’t have any other friends. I’d… I’d like for him to make another friend…” 

“Well, if it would make you happy.” Gintoki wrapped Toshiro up tight in his arms. “I love you, Hijikata. You make me so happy, too.” 

Toshiro’s cheeks reddened exquisitely with a blush that burned to his ears from overwhelming emotion he couldn’t even begin to process. He didn’t know why those words made him cry; all he knew was that Gintoki was whispering to him, promising him that everything was okay. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prelude to Break of Dawn Chapter 9

“Here’s the report you wanted on that robbery yesterday.” Harada passed Toshiro a pile of documents. Todo handed over a folder containing photos of the incident. “Is Yamazaki okay? He doesn’t seem himself today.” 

“Why, what’s he doin’?” Toshiro accepted the documents and dropped them onto his desk. 

“He’s just… more withdrawn than usual,” Todo murmured. “I said hi to him and he left in a hurry.” 

Toshiro hummed. “I haven’t seen him today. I’m sure he’s fine. But lay off him a bit, will yas? He’s been gettin’ bullied a lot lately.”

Todo frowned. “We never meant him any harm, Vice-Commander. I’m sorry if he feels like we’ve been bullying him. We weren’t. We like him.”

“Tell that to him. He’s the one who feels like no one likes him.” 

Todo and Harada shared a look. Harada opened his mouth to respond, but he was silenced by a loud crash from outside the door, and yelling that accompanied it. Toshiro was the first to rush out of his office to see what was going on. 

“Oi!” Toshiro hurried to break up the fist-fight happening just a few offices down from his own. “Cut it out! You bastards want a suspension?!” 

Todo and Harada came to help Toshiro put an end to the conflict, but none of them could believe it when Toshiro was yanking Yamazaki off of one of the newer recruits he’d managed to pin to the floor, and Todo had to restrain him from going back for more. 

“Yamazaki!” Toshiro knew it was no easy feat to anger Yamazaki, and even harder to provoke him into violence; Yamazaki’s go-to reaction for conflict was fear, tears, and hiding if possible. He couldn’t hazard a guess as to what had happened, but he did know that it was worrisome to see that Yamazaki had just attacked that same officer who had had his phone out the day Yamazaki had bruising all over his neck. “What the fuck’s goin’ on?!” 

Yamazaki’s narrowed eyes watered. He wiped at his bloodied mouth and nose with the back of his hand as he cried, “He was talking badly about Sougo! I told him to stop and he wouldn’t!” 

“I did not speak badly about anyone, Vice-Commander,” the recruit spat. “Yamazaki’s just mentally unstable and shouldn’t be here. He’s a danger to himself and everyone else.”

“Hey!” Todo dragged his fingers through Yamazaki’s hair as he glared. “Yamazaki’s  _ lovely _ ! He wouldn’t hurt  _ anyone _ !” 

Toshiro fixed his gaze on Yamazaki, waiting for him to defend himself against the recruit, but Yamazaki didn’t; he only watched with grit teeth and harsh breathing. Toshiro opened his mouth to defend him, just as he always did, before he remembered what Gintoki had told him about doing so; Yamazaki had to learn to fight his own battles, and Toshiro couldn’t always do it for him. “Zaki, say somethin’. Stick up for yourself for once.” 

“ _ No. _ ”

“Yamazaki, you need to stand up for yourself!” Harada barked. “Don’t let people treat you so badly all the time!”

“You and Todo bully me, just like everyone else does!” Yamazaki snapped. 

“What’s going on?” Kondo had arrived, parting through the sea of onlookers. 

“He said Sougo  _ deserves  _ for me to rape him!” Yamazaki spat. “He said Sougo deserves to die, and I’d be doing everyone a favour if I beat him to death!” 

“See how unstable he is, Vice-Commander?!” The recruit shouted. “I would  _ never  _ say such things! I don’t even  _ know  _ Captain Okita! He was already on stress leave when I started! This is what happens when people get a dodgy psych evaluation! Yamazaki needs hospitalisation; he’s delusional!”

“He knows I’m with Sougo!” Yamazaki spat. “I told him to stop talking about Sougo and then he said the only good sex I’d have with Sougo is if I raped him! I told him to stop but he didn’t! He made me  _ angry!”  _

“If you said that to Yamazaki, that’s disgusting,” Harada snarled. “Captain Okita  _ doesn’t  _ deserve any of that, and Yamazaki’s too gentle to ever hurt him. You’re disgusting, and I’m  _ glad  _ Yamazaki smacked you around for saying it.”

“If you don’t do something about Yamazaki’s instability, I’m reporting him,” the recruit threatened. “He’s spouting lies about me. It’s only a matter of time before he snaps. Bipolar people are the most dangerous -“

“- How do  _ you  _ know he has bipolar?” Todo snapped. “You been looking up his records or something? You know how  _ illegal  _ that is?!”

“Yamazaki is medicated and  _ has been  _ for years,” Toshiro defended. “He  _ does  _ have moments of instability, but this isn’t one of them. This is you bein’ a fuckin’ asshole to him ‘cause he’s vulnerable. If you’d said that shit about Sougo to me, you wouldn’t live to regret those words.” 

“Your force is  _ shit _ ,” the recruit spat. “You let in psychopaths and drug addicts and you aren’t -“

Yamazaki lunged, almost pulling Todo over with strength he very rarely utilised. His eyes were wide and furious as he snarled and shouted. “Don’t talk to Hijikata like that! Let go of me, Todo! Let go of me!” 

Toshiro leant down and grabbed the recruit by his jacket. He yanked him up, getting his face in close. “What was that, you little shit? You got a problem with Sougo and Zaki? Why don’t you fuckin’ say it to my face?!”

“Toshi!” Kondo grabbed Toshiro by the shoulder and tried to pull him away. 

“No! You don’t even  _ know  _ Sougo! You wanna talk about him like that?! You wanna wish harm on him when he’s  _ already  _ been through so much?! No, Sougo isn’t fuckin’ perfect, but  _ anyone  _ who can say that shit about him  _ deserves  _ to have their head knocked in! And you wanna talk about Zaki, too?! When he’s done  _ nothin’  _ to  _ no one _ ?! Zaki, stand up for yourself! Tell him to go fuck himself and it’s none of his business what you used to do!” 

Yamazaki shook his head. The fight seemed to have left him now, and he looked nothing but uncomfortable again as everyone tried to encourage him to defend himself. Todo nudged Yamazaki. “Yamazaki, stand up to him! He’s throwing up your past like it still matters today!” 

“If he won’t stand up for himself, he has us to do it for him!” Harada spat. “You like picking on the vulnerable?!” 

“Everybody, stop!” Kondo shouted. He waited for a few moments of silence before he spoke, much more calmly, “Toshi, I’ll deal with this one. Harada and Todo,  _ thank you  _ for standing up for Zaki. But Toshi and Zaki… Why don’t you two go home early?”

“I’m fine, Kondo-san,” Toshiro murmured. 

Kondo frowned when Yamazaki broke free of Todo’s arms and stormed away. “I don’t think Zaki is, Toshi… Can you keep an eye on him? I’m worried about him.” 

Toshiro understood the unspoken request, but before he could chase after Yamazaki, Tetsu called him over. “Hijikata-san, that guy was really bullying the cherry boy… He  _ was  _ talking badly about Captain Okita. I was listening to it all. The cherry boy was crying and begging him to stop, but… Hijikata-san, he was trying to talk the cherry boy into harming Captain Okita, like some sort of… gang initiation or something.”

Toshiro didn’t know what to say. “Thanks, Tetsu…” 

“Hijikata-san…?” Tetsu frowned. “Just… I think you should be careful who you trust here… I’ve been listening. There’s… a lot being said about Captain Okita and the cherry boy.”

But Toshiro dismissed Tetsu’s warning, and the fact that Harada had once told him something similar didn’t even cross his mind. “Tetsu, they  _ always  _ talk about Sougo, and Zaki  _ always  _ gets bullied.” 

Tetsu looked like he didn’t know how else to convey what he wanted to say. “Hijikata-san… Just… Watch out.”

But Toshiro didn’t take Tetsu’s warning seriously, because it was normal for everyone to hate Sougo, and it was normal for everyone to bully Yamazaki. Toshiro just wished things were different, but he didn’t have much faith in that ever happening. 

***

Toshiro was glad to see Yamazaki slowly emerging from the depressed state he’d been in since they’d left work. Toshiro knew he’d made the right choice suggesting to him to go out to the badminton courts for a while - the only issue with that was, Yamazaki was hard to encourage to  _ leave  _ once Toshiro had had enough of sitting around watching him. 

Toshiro hoped Yamazaki had had his fill once he pocketed his birdie and approached the bench Toshiro was sitting on. He was mumbling to himself as he inspected his racquet carefully before he went to his bag by Toshiro’s feet and rummaged through it. 

“Harada and Todo have invited you out for drinks with them tomorrow night,” Toshiro murmured. 

Yamazaki flinched. He hesitated with his hand in his bag, his shoulders bunching up beneath his ears as he murmured, “Maybe it’s a trick, Hijikata-san… They don’t like me, either…” 

“They do,” Toshiro promised. “They ask about you a lot. They just tease people. They don’t mean any harm; they’re just playin’.” 

Yamazaki frowned. He shook his head before he murmured sadly, “I think they’re the ones who were spreading stuff about me around the station… Saying that I like yo - It doesn’t matter, Hijikata-san… But I don’t think I want to go out with them tomorrow.”

“I think you should. You need to make friends.” Toshiro dragged his fingers through his hair tiredly. “I’ll go with you if you want. I’ll pull them up if you feel like they’re bullyin’ you.” 

“Thanks, but… I-I really don’t want to…” Toshiro didn’t miss the exhaustion in Yamazaki’s eyes. He wasn’t oblivious to the pain reflecting in them, nor the way he suddenly looked every bit his age and  _ older  _ as depression overwhelmed him. 

Toshiro sighed. He changed the subject. “Why didn’t you ever say anythin’ to me?” 

“Eh?” Yamazaki paused in what he was doing so he could peer up at Toshiro. “About what?” 

“Kondo-san said you told him you like me.” Toshiro didn’t miss the fearful flinch Yamazaki made in response. He waved a dismissive hand. “I’m not angry or anythin’. Just wonderin’ why you thought you couldn’t tell me.” 

Yamazaki frowned. He came to sit on the bench beside Toshiro, wrapping his racquet slowly as he tried to find the right words. “...I… I can’t love easily, Hijikata-san… Making friends is really hard for me, and keeping friends long enough to fall in love is even harder. You and Kondo-san are the only friends I’ve ever had who haven’t left me. You guys are the only friends I still  _ have _ . I don’t have anyone else anymore. Everyone else… got bored of me, or they found people more interesting than me. ...But when I look back at it, you and Kondo-san and Sougo are the only people who’ve ever really accepted me for who I am.”

“Oi, I asked you a question. Stop ramblin’ and get to the point.” Toshiro was uncomfortable, hating to imagine how badly Yamazaki’s self-confidence must have been damaged; no wonder he had been so scared Toshiro would leave him for Gintoki. 

...And Toshiro had actually been prepared to throw Yamazaki away… 

Yamazaki gave a soft smile. He placed his racquet onto his lap and leant back with his palms outstretched behind him so he could stare up at the sky. “It’s just… Promise not to be mad at me, or hate me, or be disgusted with me, or -” 

“- Zaki. If I was gonna run away from you, I think I would have done that long ago when I walked in on you with a syringe in your arm and passed out from an overdose.” Toshiro reached into his pocket for his carton of cigarettes. “Just tell me.” 

Yamazaki took a deep breath. His eyes sparkled, looking suspiciously wet in the growing darkness engulfing them. “It’s just… I fell so madly in love with you, I know I’m  _ always  _ going to be in love with you. Even if Sougo and I… make a future together, I just… Sometimes I don’t think it’s fair to Sougo for me to feel this way. You were just… I fell so in love with you, and all I ever wanted to be able to do was to hold your hand…” 

Toshiro frowned. “Zaki… You know we can’t be anythin’ more than friends, right? Maybe not ever. I’ve never had feelings for you like that, and I don’t know if I ever would. I love you… But just as my friend. We can’t be anythin’ more. I have Gintoki, and I… I want to be with him forever - as long as I can. We can’t be what Gintoki and I are.” 

Yamazaki wiped hastily at his eyes with the back of his hand. He offered a smile, but Toshiro could see the pain behind it. He nodded. “I know… I didn’t… I didn’t think you would ever be able to love me in return. But I was happy just being your friend. All I wanted from you was your attention, Hijikata-san. It was enough for me. Even when I would have given everything I had just to be able to hold your hand for one second… I was happy being your friend.” 

“Is that why you never told me?” 

Yamazaki nodded. “I was afraid I’d drive you away from me. I used to think that one day I would be able to tell you my feelings - but then you told me about… About what your family used to do to you, and I… I kept my feelings to myself because I would  _ never  _ want to hurt you, Hijikata-san.  _ Never _ . I was scared you might hate me if you knew, and it might scare you. I thought you might start to think of me as no different to your family, and you would stop trusting me. I couldn’t have stood for you to think that I would do something to you, too, Hijikata-san. It would have pushed me over the edge to know I had hurt you like that.”

“I don’t think you could hurt me any more than your damn essays already have,” Toshiro joked. “You know you can tell me  _ anythin’,  _ Zaki.  _ Anythin’ _ . Havin’ feelings for me is  _ part  _ of that  _ anythin’ _ . I would never have thought you would do anythin’ to me, Zaki. I’ve seen how gentle you are. I know just how loving you are.” 

Yamazaki sniffed, and his shoulders started to heave at the words. “H-hijikata-san…” 

Toshiro reached out to pull Yamazaki’s baseball cap off and stroke his hair. “Sougo is very lucky to have you, Zaki. I know you would be very good to him. I know you would have been very good to  _ me  _ if I… You’d be such a good boyfriend, and if things don’t work out with Sougo,  _ anyone  _ would be lucky to have you, Zaki. I always tell you to have more confidence in yourself. I just wish you did.” 

Yamazaki nodded again. He wiped at his eyes with his arm. “I want to have a future with someone, Hijikata-san… I want someone I can hold hands with, and cuddle with, and kiss, and make love to… I want to do all those things and more with Sougo, but… Hijikata-san, I don’t think he’s very interested in me.” 

“What makes you think that?” 

“He’s…  _ stoic,  _ whenever I try to be intimate with him.” Yamazaki frowned. “He doesn’t kiss back most of the time, and when I touch him under his shirt, he just…  _ stares _ . But I understand Sougo has trauma, so I’m trying to take it real slow with him and just get him used to me, but… I don’t… Sometimes I feel like Sougo doesn’t actually want me…” 

“Do  _ you  _ want him?” Toshiro brushed hair out of Yamazaki’s eyes. 

“Yes…” Yamazaki’s whisper was sad. “I do love him, but… I’m afraid to tell him. I don’t think he loves me back.” 

“Why don’t you tell him that?” Toshiro suggested softly. “Tell him how much you love him and he might open up to you a bit more. He might be feelin’ the same as you; not sure you’re sincere to him or not. He’s weird like that. He never takes anythin’ at face value.” 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea…” Yamazaki whispered sadly. 

“Tell him, Zaki,” Toshiro murmured. “You deserve to feel loved, too. You deserve a good relationship. I just want you to be happy in life.” 

Yamazaki’s frown grew. “I think… I need to change my medication again, Hijikata-san. I haven’t been feeling very happy lately… Can I maybe have some time off work…?” 

Toshiro frowned. He wrapped his arm around Yamazaki’s shoulders, pulling him in close. He moved the topic away, hoping it would help Yamazaki. “If your doctor thinks you need time off, you can. But if you want somethin’ to love, why don’t you get a pet?” 

Yamazaki shook his head. “I’d love to have a kitten or a puppy, but… I don’t want to subject an animal to me.”

“Zaki.” Toshiro was firm. “Stop bein’ hard on yourself. You’d be so  _ good _ havin’ a pet. You’d have somethin’ to love.”

Yamazaki smiled sadly. “I wouldn’t have time, though, Hijikata-san…”

“Go find yourself a puppy and you can bring it with you to work,” Toshiro promised. “Instead of slackin’ off playin’ badminton all the time, you can slack off and train it to be the Shinsengumi’s first police dog.”

Yamazaki’s eyes sparkled. “You’d really let me bring a puppy to work…?” 

Toshiro nodded. “Start lookin’ for one you like. And maybe then you won’t be so lonely at home, too.” 

Yamazaki wrapped his arms around Toshiro so tightly, Toshiro couldn’t help but keen in pain from unhealed damage. “Thank you, Hijikata-san! I’ve always wanted to have a pet! I love you!” 

Toshiro frowned. He pulled away before Yamazaki could hurt him more. “It’s fine. But you can bring a puppy to work on the condition that you look after yourself more, and work on your confidence.”

“I will!” Yamazaki promised. “I’m gonna pick the cutest puppy, Hijikata-san!”

Toshiro reached for another cigarette. “You’re such a strange guy.” 

Yamazaki smiled brightly, and even his eyes reflected his happiness. “But you love me anyway!”

Toshiro closed his eyes. He couldn’t help but smile. “I guess so.” 

“Hijikata-san?” Yamazaki was donning his shy smile again as he peered up at Toshiro. His cheeks reddened slightly. His fingertips brushed against Toshiro’s hand, but as quickly as the touch came, it vanished. “There’s a festival coming up… Do you think Sougo would come with me if I asked? Or should I get Kondo-san to ask him for me?” 

“I’ll tell Kondo to tell him.” Toshiro finally took notice of just how pale Yamazaki’s face was. “Are you feelin’ okay?” 

Yamazaki disregarded the question so he could lower his gaze and murmur, “I know Hijikata-san doesn’t like festivals… But if Danna comes, will you come, too…? I don’t like doing things by myself.” 

“If Gintoki will go,” Toshiro murmured. He grunted as Yamazaki dropped himself onto Toshiro’s lap and wrapped himself around him so tightly, Toshiro felt like he was the only thing anchoring Yamazaki to life. He frowned as he realised just how light Yamazaki was, and touching his side and feeling a significant drop in his weight only made him more concerned. “Are you eating?” 

Yamazaki nodded in response, and that was how Toshiro knew he was crying; he could feel the wetness spread against the skin of his shoulder and neck. “...” 

“Do you promise?” 

“...” Slowly, Yamazaki shook his head. 

Toshiro closed his eyes and held the back of Yamazaki’s head. “You can have tomorrow off if you promise to go to the doctor and change your medication. ...And eat somethin’.” 

Yamazaki nodded once more. Toshiro didn’t tell him to get off; he only waited patiently until Yamazaki had cried out whatever it was he was feeling and moved himself away of his own volition. 

But Toshiro was worried, and all he wanted to do was be able to help.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Break of Dawn - Chapter 9

Toshiro hated festivals. He hated the idea of being trapped in a crowd full of people too absorbed in their own matters to notice where they were going. He hated being jostled by daydreamers, hassled by workers, and more than anything, he hated having attention on him for more than just a passing glance. 

But Gintoki was going, and Toshiro wanted so badly to be with him, no matter where they would be. 

“I guess we can go…” Toshiro really didn’t want to. He wanted to stay under the kotatsu where it was warm, and he could watch mindless television for however long it took his racing mind to settle. 

Tetsu cheered. His eyes sparkled, no longer hidden behind sunglasses. He raced out from the kotatsu to get himself ready. Toshiro’s shoulders slumped, and he looked to Kondo with a heavy sigh. 

Kondo abandoned his paperwork on top of the kotatsu to give Toshiro his full attention. “Toshi? What’s wrong?” 

Toshiro sighed again. “I just… I don’t know. Maybe I’m bein’ stupid.” 

Kondo smiled. “You’ll have fun, Toshi. Take Gintoki’s kids with you; Gintoki’s going to take Sougo once I can get him out of bed.” 

Toshiro didn’t have the energy to argue, so with a heavy heart, he departed the kotatsu to shower and get dressed. But Toshiro’s mind wouldn’t stop racing, and his body seemed to have decided that it was a perfect day for it to ache more aggressively than usual. His head was pounding again, and his chest held that now-familiar tightness to it that made it painful to breathe. 

But Toshiro wasn’t a complainer. He didn’t want people to feel sorry for him. He locked the pain and suffering into a corner of his mind, pretending none of the bad had ever happened as he fetched Tetsu and escorted him down to the police cruiser. 

But Toshiro must not have been hiding it as well as he thought he was, because halfway through the drive to Shinpachi’s family dojo, Tetsu murmured, “Are you okay, Vice-Commander?”

Toshiro nodded. “I’m fine.” 

“You look like you’re not feeling well. Do you have a cold or something? Do you need painkillers?” 

“Tetsu, I’m fine.” But Toshiro didn’t feel like he was convincing anybody with his weak comment. “Just… Just a bit sore today… But I’m fine.” 

Tetsu frowned. “Vice-Commander, are you ever going to see a doctor? I would have thought you’d stop hurting by now.” 

Toshiro shrugged. “It’s fine. It’ll stop hurtin’ eventually, Tetsu. Just… It’s fine.”

Tetsu held a deep frown on his face that told Toshiro he knew it was a lie, but Tetsu didn’t argue. Instead, he turned his attention to the outside world, letting Toshiro have his space. Toshiro was grateful; he could think of nothing worse than admitting just how much pain he was living in on a daily basis. 

The drive was quiet, and Toshiro appreciated it. He stopped the cruiser outside the dojo and sent a text to Shinpachi, letting him know they were there. Shinpachi and Kagura came out quickly, and while Kagura turned her nose up at Toshiro, Shinpachi greeted him warmly. 

“Hello, Hijikata-san!” Shinpachi was smiling brightly, warm and accepting and wearing every bit the expression Toshiro wished Sougo could learn to don whenever he was around. “Hello, Tetsu-san. Is Gin coming?” 

“He’s bringin’ Sougo.” Toshiro put the cruiser back into gear and headed off. He didn’t draw attention to Kagura’s dislike of him; at least, unlike Sougo, she didn’t go out of her way to make him feel like shit. Toshiro pulled his phone out of his pocket and passed it to Shinpachi. “Can you send Zaki a text and let him know we’ll be there soon?”

Shinpachi did so. He said nothing about the emptiness that was Toshiro’s text screen; it wasn’t his place to question why he only had a handful of people he seemed to text, nor was it any of his business to ask about the message preview he saw on Gintoki’s thread that clearly said, _I love you, Oogushi-kun,_ complete with a love heart. 

Shinpachi couldn’t help but smile as he pieced together a puzzle he’d started having suspicions on. He opened Yamazaki’s thread instead, trying not to read their messages together and keep their privacy, but he was unable to ignore the short exchange sent a little more than a week ago that had Yamazaki asking Toshiro to meet him at the hospital as he’d taken himself there for “bad thoughts”. Shinpachi let out a sigh of relief as Toshiro’s only correspondence had been a simple, _I’m on my way_. 

Shinpachi didn’t want to invade Yamazaki’s privacy by asking about the text. He didn’t want to ask if Yamazaki had been intending on killing himself. Instead, he asked, “How’s Yamazaki-san doing, Hijikata-san? Is he okay?” 

Toshiro nodded. He accepted his phone when Shinpachi returned it to him. “He’s doin’ better. He’s comin’ back to work tomorrow. He says he’s startin’ to feel better; just needed to change his medication, I guess. Thanks for goin’ out and seein’ him; I know he really appreciated it.”

“I’m just glad he’s okay,” Shinpachi murmured sincerely. 

The drive was quiet once again until they’d reached their destination. Toshiro felt surprisingly better than he had thought he would when they arrived at the festival. Sure, it was crowded, and it was loud, everything that Toshiro hated, but he found himself loving to watch the way Gintoki’s kids rushed from stall to stall, full of excitement, with Tetsu eventually joining them like he belonged naturally with the Yorozuya. Toshiro tried not to feel the disappointment at knowing he would probably never be able to see Sougo reach that same level of enjoyment. Yamazaki met up with them soon enough, bubbly and excitable as he talked Toshiro’s ear off for the first time in what had felt like an eternity. Toshiro loved Yamazaki, and he was glad he was feeling better, but he couldn’ help but be relieved when Gintoki arrived with Sougo and Yamazaki’s attention fixated on Sougo instead; Toshiro couldn’t put up with being patient with Yamazaki and enduring the stress of being at the festival at the same time. 

They all split up in the end, Yamazaki and Sougo wandering off together - well, Yamazaki dragging an unwilling Sougo around by the hand while Sougo glared murder into him. Tetsu disappeared with Kagura and Shinpachi, which Toshiro didn’t mind too much; it was good to see Tetsu was starting to make friends and find places he was fitting into. Toshiro was left with Gintoki, and while Gintoki stopped them at a stall every now and then out of curiosity, Toshiro found himself enjoying just wandering aimlessly with him. 

“You know, the gorilla said he won’t be home tonight.” Gintoki eyed off the showbags in one stall curiously before he continued walking. He turned to look sideways at Toshiro, smirking slightly. “If we get home before everyone else, we could have some _fun_ ~” 

Toshiro sniffed. He rolled his eyes. “Not fuckin’ likely.” 

Gintoki chuckled. He moved closer to Toshiro, just enough for their arms to brush together, but knowing how uncomfortable Toshiro was in public, he whispered, “Are you still sore from my fingers last night?” 

Toshiro’s cheeks flushed. “Shut up! People will hear!” 

Toshiro moved away from Gintoki to avoid people’s suspicions. He cleared his throat. Gintoki laughed and closed the distance again. He wrapped his arm around Toshiro’s shoulders and pulled him in close, ignoring the way Toshiro hissed at him to get off. “Oogushi-kun, will you watch the fireworks with me?” 

“They’re not for _hours_ yet, Gintoki! Get _off_!” Toshiro hissed. 

Gintoki obeyed Toshiro’s wishes. He released him, but still, he leant in close and whispered, “If we find somewhere private, may I… Under the fireworks…” 

Toshiro’s suspicion grew. “If you’re plannin’ on fondlin’ me with all these people around, forget it.” 

“I mean, that’d be nice, but…” Gintoki smiled longingly at whatever he was thinking about, “I’d rather make out with you instead. We can save the rest for tonight.” 

Toshiro hummed. He shuddered slightly at the thought of being out in public before finally, he decided. “If we find somewhere private enough… I _mean_ it. If not, there’s no makin’ out.” 

“You’re such a buzzkill,” Gintoki teased. “We’ve been together how long now? Three months? Surely it’s okay for people to know about us.” 

Toshiro’s jaw clenched. He shook his head. “Absolutely _not_! I’m surprised Yamazaki hasn’t gone runnin’ his mouth by now; it’s bad enough him knowin’!” 

“What are people going to do if they know?” Gintoki asked gently. 

“They -!” Toshiro cut himself off as he realised he didn’t _have_ an answer. He’d always felt that he could confide in Kondo his sexual orientation if he’d ever felt the need, and Kondo would only support him. Yamazaki seemed somewhat detached from sexual matters as he’d never taken up advances from anyone on a night out, and fell silent and uncomfortable if a conversation from his work colleagues turned to sex and porn, so Toshiro had always assumed he wouldn’t like for Toshiro to approach him with a sexual conversation in mind. Sougo was the one that _really_ worried Toshiro, assuming that if anyone was going to react negatively to the news, it would be him - but perhaps his judgement had been wrong in Sougo since he was now going out with Yamazaki. 

Toshiro nibbled at his lip before he whispered, “I… don’t know anymore, Gintoki…” 

Gintoki smiled. “I understand why you’re uncomfortable, Hijikata-kun. But please remember that the only people who matter to you would be _fine_ if they knew - and if any of these strangers turn their nose up? You’ll probably never see them again, and you have _me_ here to say something.” 

Toshiro ducked his head. He knew that Gintoki was right, but still… 

He couldn’t help but feel shameful for his attraction to Gintoki. 

Gintoki brushed his fingertips against the back of Toshiro’s hand. “Will you let me hold your hand? I promise I’ll let go if you get too uncomfortable.” 

Toshiro couldn’t help but nod. His cheeks were flushed as Gintoki’s hand closed around his own, but the comforting warmth was worth more than any look sent their way. He let Gintoki keep holding his hand, growing more and more confident in his boyfriend’s presence until he stopped walking behind him and closed the distance beside him. Gintoki smiled at him, and Toshiro couldn’t help but smile back. 

They stopped for a quick snack, a few dango sticks each, before they continued wandering around the festival together, just enjoying each other’s company more than anything else. Just as the sun started to dip, and the skies turned a soft red, Toshiro tugged Gintoki in closer. 

Gintoki smiled at how red Toshiro’s face was. He reached up to cup Toshiro’s cheek before he whispered, “Would you mind if I were to kiss you right now?” 

Toshiro shook his head. His cheeks burned as Gintoki leaned in, but just before their lips could press together, they were startled apart by Yamazaki screaming for him. 

“Hijikata-san!” Yamazaki wrapped himself around Toshiro desperately as he cried. “Hijikata-san, it’s Sougo!” 

Toshiro grabbed Yamazaki by the shoulders, alert at Yamazaki’s hysteria. “Calm down. What’s happened?” 

“Sougo’s going to kill himself, Hijikata-san!” Yamazaki cried. His tears flowed heavily, and Toshiro could see the panic in him. 

“Where is he.” Toshiro felt his own stress rise now. 

“I-I don’t know!” Yamazaki sobbed. “He left me because I accidentally upset him!” 

“How do you know he’s going to kill himself?” Gintoki was calm. He grabbed Yamazaki’s shoulder and spun him around to face him. 

“He said no one was ever going to see him again!” Yamazaki rubbed at his eyes desperately. “I-it’s my fault, Hijikata-san!”

“What did you do?” Toshiro brushed hair out of Yamazaki’s eyes as he tried to calm him. 

Yamazaki shook his head. “I told him how much I love him and that I wanted to make love to him and it’s my fault because I knew how badly everyone else always took me admitting feelings to them!” 

Toshiro squeezed Yamazaki’s shoulder. “Zaki, stay with Gintoki for me, okay? I’m going to look for Sougo, but I’m sure he’s fine. He makes stupid threats all the time. Just… I’m sure he’s fine.” 

Toshiro didn’t waste any time in leaving to go find Sougo. He checked the surrounding areas of the festival, but it wasn’t until he’d arrived at a park just a few blocks away did he find a familiar figure on a park bench, bathed by the setting sun and sheltering under a single sheet of newspaper. 

Toshiro sighed. He approached slowly, trying to think of the right words, but none came to mind. He sat on the bench by Sougo’s head, opening and closing his cigarette lighter in contemplation. 

Sougo was the one to break the silence, even though he didn’t so much as move. “The doctor said if you don’t stop smoking, your lungs are going to fail…”

“Ah, well. I had a good run.” Toshiro couldn’t help but smile, despite the cough that followed his words. “What are you doin’ all the way out here? It’s meant to be a rainy night. Wouldn’t you rather be under the blankets?”

Sougo shifted slightly, but still, he didn’t look at Toshiro. “I’m never coming home.” 

“Y’know, if you’re plannin’ on making yourself homeless, as someone who’s been homeless before, I can promise you it’s not very fun.”

“We were _all_ homeless, stupid.”

“No. I mean before that.” Toshiro took a puff of his cigarette before he reached out to ruffle Sougo’s hair. “Back when Kondo took me in. I was homeless then.” 

Finally, Sougo cracked open an eyelid to peer up at Toshiro. Toshiro couldn’t help but wonder if he was finally gaining trust. “...” 

“It’s… Not somethin’ I like talkin’ about… But from what Zaki was crying about earlier, it’d probably do you some good to hear it from me.” Toshiro couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotion. On one hand, it hurt to think about how upset Yamazaki had been. On the other hand, it was terrifying to think that he was about to divulge information to the person insistent on harming him the most that only three people in his life were privy to. 

“Zaki was crying…?” Toshiro really hoped that was guilt he was hearing in Sougo’s tone. 

“Of course he was, you little shit. You really think he _wouldn’t_ blame himself thinking he did somethin’ wrong?” Toshiro offered a small smile. “He was sure he accidentally drove you to suicide because apparently his love confessions have that effect on people.” 

Sougo didn’t respond. Toshiro hoped so badly it meant that Sougo was reflecting for the better. 

“Sougo, take it from me…” Toshiro put his cigarette out so he could focus his full attention on Sougo. “Come home. Living on the streets when you have a home won’t do you any good.” 

“I don’t want to come home,” Sougo repeated. 

“You know, when I was on the streets, I would have given anything to have a home to go to.” Toshiro sighed at the memories that threatened to overwhelm him. He battled back tears, and he wasn’t sure how he won the fight. “I was always cold, always hungry… And when you live on the streets, no one cares if you… If you don’t want to have sex… They force you into it regardless. Sometimes it was all I could do to _survive_. I know you couldn’t do that, Sougo. Not after… I’ve been abused, too…” 

“I bet you had it easy compared to me.” Sougo rolled over so he could rest his head in Toshiro’s lap. Toshiro couldn’t help but stroke Sougo’s hair affectionately. “You’re not as good looking as me; I understand people would be too disgusted to touch you.” 

Toshiro pretended not to hear the last comment. He did his best to keep control of his emotions as he remembered all too clearly what he had gone through. “Well… Yes and no. After my brother went blind, my family… I guess they couldn’t stand to touch me themselves, so they rented me out to strangers to do it for them…” 

Sougo sneered. “Let me guess. Your brother didn’t give a fuck.” 

“...” Toshiro looked at his lap as he battled the overwhelming sadness. “...I never… told him… And now he’s dead.” 

Sougo didn’t respond. 

Toshiro frowned at the silence. He took a deep breath, trying to find the courage to say the words he had wanted so badly to speak to Sougo for so many years. “If… If you ever needed someone to talk to… You know I’m always here for you, Sougo. I can understand.” 

Sougo scoffed. “You clearly don’t understand since you’re out getting laid by the Yorozuya bastard.” 

Toshiro went tense at the accusation; here was the very thing he had been terrified of... “We aren’t… having sex. We’re not.” 

“I hear you two - I’ve _seen_ you two.” 

“Sougo… If you believe just _one_ thing I tell you, please believe that I’m not having sex - with _anyone_ .” Toshiro’s frown grew. “I haven’t… had sex since… not long after Kondo took me in. The last time was… when I… when I was still whoring myself out… When I didn’t know any better. But I haven’t done that in a long time, Sougo. And I’m not whoring myself out to the Yorozuya, either. I’m _not_.” 

“Then why do I hear you two at night when you sneak out thinking I’m asleep?” Sougo accused. 

Toshiro’s cheeks went red, but he didn’t hesitate in his answer. He didn’t want to lie about Gintoki - he loved him too much for that - and if showing vulnerability to Sougo by telling him a truth Toshiro _really_ didn’t want him knowing… Could it show Sougo that Toshiro only ever wanted to be sincere to him? “We’re _seeing_ each other, yes… And we have been for quite a while. But we aren’t havin’ sex - I couldn’t stomach having it again, to be honest. We’re just… He’s takin’ care of me with his hands. He’s not makin’ me return the favour. That’s all it is; he’s makin’ me feel good without wantin’ anything in return ‘cause he likes takin’ care of me, and I like bein’ taken care of.” 

“You watch porn.” 

“And you _steal_ my porn for _yourself_ , yet I _know_ you don’t masturbate.” Toshiro teased. 

“I do, too.” Sougo glared at Toshiro. “And so do you.”

Toshiro chuckled. “All I’m askin’... Is for you to come home. Kondo’s worried sick, and Zaki couldn’t stop crying when he told us what happened.” 

“You don’t want me. You replaced me with Tetsu.” 

“If I didn’t want you, I wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of findin’ you out here, would I? Please, Sougo? I’ll sort everything out with Zaki; just tell me exactly what’s happened and I’ll talk to him.” 

“He said he loves me…” Sougo struggled to swallow thickly around the lump in his throat. “He said he loves me, but I know it’s a lie…” 

“Zaki is a lot of things, but he would never lie about something like that,” Toshiro promised. “He _does_ love you; I see it every day with my own two eyes. But I don’t… understand _you_. You treat him like shit. You always hit him. And completely out of the blue you bring him home to us like we were supposed to be jealous or somethin’... I don’t understand you, Sougo. I’m trying my best, but I just…”

“I thought he wanted to hurt me, but he wasn’t even hard…” Sougo whispered. 

“Why would…” Toshiro sighed. “Sougo… As someone who’s been abused also, I… I completely understand how hard it can be to trust people… But you’ve known Zaki for how long. For years. He’s never hurt you before. He’s never done anything but love and support you. If there was just one person I thought you trusted, it was Zaki.” 

A tear slipped from Sougo’s eye. “I’m not strong like you, Hijikata… Everyone keeps talking to me about trust, but… But no one’s bothered telling me _how_ to trust…” 

Toshiro was silent for so long, Sougo gave up on getting a response. But finally, Toshiro shifted, and that was to tug at Sougo’s shoulder as he whispered, “Please… Let’s just go home…” 

Sougo didn’t protest, and Toshiro couldn’t help but find a strange sense of comfort in knowing that he wasn’t the only person who felt exhausted to their bones.

***

Toshiro didn’t understand what exactly had gone wrong for Sougo to recluse more than ever, refusing to leave the futon or even speak to anyone. He didn’t know if it were just Sougo, being dragged to a festival he didn’t want to attend in the first place, or if Yamazaki admitting how much he loved him had been the catalyst. If it were Yamazaki’s confession, Toshiro couldn’t help but feel responsible for encouraging Yamazaki to tell him in the first place.

But for whatever reason, Toshiro couldn’t find it in him to give up on trying to help Sougo.

“I don’t think he wants to see me, Hijikata-san,” Yamazaki whispered sadly as he stood in the living area of Gintoki’s apartment. “He isn’t responding to my texts…” 

“Please try, Zaki,” Toshiro murmured. “No one else has gotten him out. But he might listen to you.” 

“Well… Alright, then…” Yamazaki hesitated before he left for Sougo’s bedroom. Toshiro watched him disappear inside before he leant back into Gintoki’s arms and sighed. 

Everything seemed fine until, without warning, Yamazaki started screaming bloody murder. Toshiro and Gintoki rushed in, but what they found made Toshiro stop dead in his tracks. 

“Yamazaki…?” Toshiro’s eyes widened at the blood all over the futon, the tatami mats, and most of all, splashed over Sougo’s hands and face, and soaking Yamazaki’s uniform red. 

Toshiro snapped back into action as Yamazaki screamed for him, wailing as he tried desperately to get away from the knife Sougo kept stabbing all over his body. 

“Sougo, get off him!” Toshiro was trying to pull Yamazaki from Sougo’s grip, punching Sougo in the head as hard as he could to try and get him to relinquish his hold on him, but no matter what Toshiro did, Sougo only clung to Yamazaki harder. “Sougo!” 

“Hijikata-san, I’m calling the Commander!” Tetsu was staying back, with Toshiro’s phone in hand as he searched desperately for Kondo’s number.

Gin was behind Sougo, trying to pull him away. Blood dripped down his face from where the blade had cut him above his eye, but Sougo was strong, and even stronger when he was in a panic. They’d managed to move the fray from the bedroom and out into the living area, trails of blood on the floor and splashes on the walls making it look like a murder scene. Yamazaki was still screaming, his uniform stained in blood as the blade went back to his body again and again. 

Toshiro couldn’t help but feel his eyes overflow with tears. He sobbed desperately as he tried to stop the violent attack, but his mind was racing so fast, he had no idea how he was supposed to save his friend. The way Yamazaki screamed was horrifying, but when strange gurgling sounds started to mix with his screams and cries for Toshiro to help him, Toshiro knew his nightmares were going to make him relive this horror.

“Fuckin’ Sougo!” Toshiro dragged them out onto the balcony, desperate to separate them any way he could. He wished Kondo was home because they might have been strong enough to break it up if he were. 

It didn’t play out any differently on the balcony than it had inside; the only difference was now they had a swarm of onlookers who were more concerned about staring than helping. Kondo’s police car was coming down the road, Toshiro could see, and he felt immense relief at the knowledge. 

But Gin, who had almost broken Sougo’s hold on Yamazaki, was unprepared for the way Sougo threw himself forward into Yamazaki, knocking him into Toshiro who fell backwards and through the balustrade, dragging Yamazaki with him. Yamazaki reached out by instinct, grabbing Sougo to try and stop himself falling, and like a chain reaction, Gin fell as well. 

The last thing Toshiro remembered before he was knocked out was the crushing weight of three bodies falling on top of him.


End file.
